# Airport security



## ScoobyTT (Aug 24, 2009)

What a load of old fucking shit! Wasn't the whole punchline that Dubya and Fony Blair gave about terrorists that they were intent on destroying our freedoms?

Haven't they already won? Now you only have to waste 3 hours of your life checking in for a flight, being photographed, bum-scanned, frisked, X-rayed, justifying your packing choices, all so you can sit on a plane full of recirculated putrescent myasma next to the pox-laden twat in 14D.

Some stupid fucking prick tries to set fire to a shoe, a fucking shoe, and now millions of people have to hold up millions of other people removing their shoes just to make sure that no other dumbfuck tries to combust some footwear on a flight.

No belts. What the fuck is that about? An inch-wide leather belt is hardly a fucking garotte is it? It doesn't exactly turn you into an onboard Indiana Jones :lol: What could someone do with the buckle? Stand back lads, he's got a 1.5" long piece of blunt metal! Does anyone even think about whether their security job actually involves common sense? Are they paid to think? And what's the probability that some overweight chair-jockey could actually take down a real terrorist anyway?

Since it's no longer possible to get into the cockpit, what exactly do they think someone is capable of with a pair of fucking nail clippers? Manicure a stewardess? Gnaw at the door over the course of a 16 hour flight without anyone noticing? When I fly business class I get given fucking stainless steel knives and forks. Which is more deadly you regulation-monkeys?! :lol:

Some half-arsed mountain boy plots to blow up a plane with some liquid explosives and now millions of people can't take liquids on the plane. Now you can buy overpriced drinks on the plane instead, suckers. Who set the arbitrary limit of 100ml? But it's not the volume of the liquid, it's the volume of the container that matters. Try and get through with a *half*-full bottle of aftershave that FULL would be 125ml, and some jobsworth fucking security monkey confiscates it.

The bottle can't even be opened you fool! I would have to break it to get to the liquid, and then the glass would be more dangerous than the liquid. Sharp, unlike all the blunt things I'd have to hand over. What's the worst that could be done, spray the plane and make it smell nice? Tempting given the putrid stench of some of the proles who get on board. So no container bigger than 100ml? Fine, Joe Terrorist will just take on some other arbitrary container - like the utterly pointless plastic bag we're required to use - and mix liquids with the passenger in 22C. Didn't think of that? Predicting a limit on the size of plastic bags to further enhance your safety on board!

Next step in the useless terrorist's arsenal: The pants bomber. What a fucking joke. But who gets the last laugh? Mr Terrorist again. Now no-one can stand up during the last hour of a flight. Another winner for common sense there then. That's ok, Joe Mountain Boy will just go and mix his liquids in the toilet in the middle of the flight, when blowing it up would do more damage anyway. No citizen, you can't take a leak. I'll hold then, but the incontinent guy in 19F is going to shit himself before the flight ends thanks to your pointless fucking restriction. What is this, Con Air? Oh that's right, you're protecting our freedom even though 19F over there isn't free to take a dump. I feel safer already. :roll:

Roll in, with almost suspicious speed, full body scanners that wouldn't have caught the pants bomber anyway. Ever notice how the publicity shots show some guy carrying a massive concealed knife or weapon? The kind of thing that, say, the fucking metal detectors, hand-held swipes, or quick frisks that have been in place for 30 years would find. It hardly takes a rocket scientist to work out where the next place to conceal stuff is, instantly rendering full body perv scanners utterly pointless. Bend over please citizen! If you've got nothing to hide you have nothing to fear! It's for your own safety... oh, and to make this queue move even slower, before you proceed to duty-free-yet-still-vastly-overpriced where you can buy enough flammable liquids to make the 100ml limit and your confiscated aftershave look as deadly as pool of ant piss.

Look at the reality of the terror threat: underpants, shoes, and some pillocks loading a jeep with gas tanks and driving into a terminal. That's as sophisticated as it gets. It's hardly the next series of 24 is it? More like Mickey Mouse and a Homebase shopping cart. But no, you need more security, citizen! We didn't have to put up with this shit when the Irish were blowing things up on a regular basis. And what's all the aiport crap for? Wasn't the only recent lethal terrorist attack on Britain on tube trains and a bus? But hang on, we can still get on busses with bags full of anything we like and no-one wants to X-ray my shoes or unpack your laptop. At least you don't get treated like suicidal cattle on other forms of transport.

So what is airport security really for? To waste your time, tax money, money and make you compliant to any ridiculous jobsworth crap you're asked to endure just so you can get from A to B?

In the words of "nan": What a fucking liberty. :lol: :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

Hope you have a good hoilday mate :lol:


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## triplefan (Sep 3, 2008)

Quality, just pure class


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## ecko2702 (Jan 26, 2009)

The airport security here is insane. I am actually dreading my trip to the UK as the airport bit is going to suck. At least I will get sort of laid on my trip as you practically get molested in the security check point. :lol:


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## Charlie (Dec 15, 2006)

I always enjoy your rants buddy - thoroughly entertaining and humerous as usual 

Charlie


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## Hilly10 (Feb 4, 2004)

Charlie said:


> I always enjoy your rants buddy - thoroughly entertaining and humerous as usual
> 
> Charlie


Humerous yes but bloody right


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## Matt B (Apr 8, 2007)

Nice rant :lol: and very true.

I had a 3" pair of blunt scissors taken from me (they had to get me to open a first aid kit to get them out) but then they let me take a full size steam iron in my hand luggage.

Seriously I could do a lot more terrorising swinging a couple of kilos of steam iron around my head on a cord.....but know playschool round ended scissors were the risk item :roll:


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## hooting_owl (Sep 3, 2008)

this would be all the more amusing if it were not true. your observations are right on the money.

in march i will be flying for the first time since they introduced the insane security measures.
must remember to take a supply of empty plastic bags to piss into....apologies in advance if you happen to be sitting in the adjacent seat. and i think i may have to get myself a 12" strap-on dildo so that i can hold my head high when i go through the body scanner.


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## ScoobyTT (Aug 24, 2009)

Did anyone see "How Safe are our Skies?" on Thursday? Two things struck me: The amount of explosives on board, even when detonated in a professional manner, was not enough to compromise the aircraft structure. Conclusion: existing security measures were sufficient. And secondly, the perv scanners showed considerably more detail than we've been lead to believe with the press images of a the chubby Blue Tack man carrying a knife that Crocodile Dundee would be proud of. I didn't really want to see a 3D rendering of some guy's genitals, like he's made of grey shiny wax, but that's exactly what you see. None of which helps keep anyone safe from some schmucks with compounds concealed inside their bodies, and if this program was to be believed, they'd have a hell of a job creating sufficient blast pressure to take out a plane anyway. That lightning storm over yonder on the other hand..... :roll:


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## T3RBO (Dec 9, 2003)

Excellent read... Butlins at Minehead is looking better everyday :lol:


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## hooting_owl (Sep 3, 2008)

ScoobyTT said:


> D.... That lightning storm over yonder on the other hand..... :roll:


yes, that and the cut-price maintenance procedures - plus dodgy used / fake parts that are out there being fitted to airliners.

the security staff at bristol airport make the stasi look like rank amateurs. why does my toothpaste need to be in a clear plastic bag ffs?


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## Smeds (Oct 28, 2009)

Charlie said:


> I always enjoy your rants buddy


Rants? They're bloody genius!


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## TurboTTS (Sep 11, 2009)

i have the same issue with the 100ml thing..

if i were a baddie:

"hmm, let me not take a 100ml container. but what should be do?"

few minutes later, after much praying and pondering

"ah, the gods have shown me... i shall take 10 x 50ml containers and conceal them as perfume"

duh! fuckers, its not the size that counts... its the way you use it. :lol: :roll:

and my point exactly, is that they can buy all the flammable liquids and gels and hairspray and lighters on the other side.

i travel a shed load, so im used to it.. but i did witness the security guys make a mother take her shoes off, and jacket.... and then guess what the attention was drawn to next of the highly skilled worker in a blue uniform, the children. the children must have been about 2 yrs old, and they made the mother take the children's shoes and jackets off.
this was a normal suburban looking mother, with a husband. im sure they lived in a decent home and drove a volvo, and had a white labrador. not your a-typical terrorist mongers.

i just shook my head.

oh, on the subject... why do people fucking wait till they get to the conveyor belt and plastic buckets to disrobe and take out there laptops, and then looked shocked when they are told to do it, as if its something new!... it holds everyone else up fuckers, just disrobe and dump. easy!

and to the stupid men with tons of gold jewelery on... take the fucking shit off you wanker-moron-bonehead-c*unt-fuck, BEFORE you go through the scanner.. catch a wake up you fucking dumb idiot.

if only i had my way... and ran the country! 8)


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## ScoobyTT (Aug 24, 2009)

TurboTTS said:


> i travel a shed load, so im used to it.. but i did witness the security guys make a mother take her shoes off, and jacket.... and then guess what the attention was drawn to next of the highly skilled worker in a blue uniform, the children. the children must have been about 2 yrs old, and they made the mother take the children's shoes and jackets off.


Children are practically made of explosives; didn't you know? :lol: Of course since children will not be subjected to the 3D nudity perv-scans to avoid the public hysteria about paedo-weirdos that lurk behind every shrub, kids are the perfect place to hide anything nefarious. Well, almost... "mummy, my explosives belt is itching." "Not now sweetheart."


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## TurboTTS (Sep 11, 2009)

ScoobyTT said:


> TurboTTS said:
> 
> 
> > i travel a shed load, so im used to it.. but i did witness the security guys make a mother take her shoes off, and jacket.... and then guess what the attention was drawn to next of the highly skilled worker in a blue uniform, the children. the children must have been about 2 yrs old, and they made the mother take the children's shoes and jackets off.
> ...


i can defo see a lovely middle class white family with a volvo, labrador, 2.5 children, parents been happily married since they left school, church going and supporters of all known charities under the sun rigging the children up to the hilt with C4 explosives :roll:


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## Wallsendmag (Feb 12, 2004)

Would you rather they just took the chance ?????


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## TurboTTS (Sep 11, 2009)

wallsendmag said:


> Would you rather they just took the chance ?????


+1

i suppose not... and i imagine its fun the little ones to run through the metal detectors. the one took a run, and didnt stop.. was quite funny. :lol:


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## Dash (Oct 5, 2008)

The problem is we are scared of offending people due to stereotypes.

There is always a risk of somebody blowing up a plane. Whether it's a terrorist or just a nutter. All these things are about risk mitigation. Using statistics (stereotypes) to target that risk mitigation seems fair enough to me.

Can you imagine the uproar if the middle-classed mother with two kids didn't get searched and then the middle-eastern guy with the puffer jacket and nervous look about him did? That's prejudice.

There is no reason to believe the latter guy is going to do anything untoward purely from his appearance - apart from the videos we all (including the security staff) see on the TV of people looking like this trying to blow themselves up... I can't remember the last time I saw the middle-classed lady with two kids blow herself up; but then I don't spend much time reviewing terrorists attacks (why fill my mind with fear?).


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## TurboTTS (Sep 11, 2009)

true.. i know.

another instance i have been witness to and experienced myself is:

i travel with a laptop, pentax 600 scanner, a optical mouse with its usb dongle, another presentation mouse (which looks like a hand held weapon) and its dongle, and TONS of cables, pens, mobiles and chargers. im always braced for them to search my bag, and yet they never have.
one day (a few weeks ago) i was going through security in germany, and it wasnt very busy, did the usual of undressing and packing the laptop in the bucket... through the scanner the stuff went, i looked at the screen and thought to myself, if anyones bag looks suspect its mine.. the man didnt even blink an eye, and said "do you have a scanner in your bag", "yes" i replied. and that was that.

so i sat and had some lunch watching the same security people.... low and behold, who did they search?? they searched anyone, with a beard and a slight tan, and a women in a burka and her luggage, not one white person.

i have been searched many many many times, even if i have a first class or business class ticket, ive been searched. they are just doing there job, but the point is they should be doing it with a little respect i think... not everyone is the same, and they should take that into account... if i have taken all of my shit and put it down, dont command to see if i have a belt on, or to show my feet to you! and also the way they look at you! but then again, i suppose they deal with more stupid, ignorant morons than people who actually know what they doing.....

so in the end, is it going to change?? no... is it going to get worse.... well, yes!


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## Bikerz (Aug 23, 2008)

I dont understand why thing havea thing about belts and shoes yet will let you take god know what else on? [smiley=argue.gif] I took a pair of sissors on before with them scaning I said sorry totaly forgot take it and put in your box, my fault. Bloke said dont worry about it and gave me them back :roll: I nearly fainted in shock :lol:


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## ScoobyTT (Aug 24, 2009)

News just in on the government's successful plan to remove any remaining liberties you may have felt you had with its perv-scanner technology, otherwise known as the least effective security measure since "Fat Al" got a job as a security guard:

A BAA employee is being investigated after commenting on a colleague's tits. Obviously the key to avoiding landing yourself in it is to simply not make the comment in the first place and select only the nicest-looking women to walk through your scanner. :roll:

What we already knew was that the costly scanners which will add nothing to security, produce full-body "nude" images of passengers to locate hidden weapons or explosives. Unless of course you're smart enough to consider hiding them inside your body, as any terrorist who hasn't been labotomized might consider doing to simply bypass the infringement the rest of society has to endure.

What the public wasn't told, during the initial spindoctoring and images of fuzzy blue people carrying Crocodile Dundee weaponry is that the scanner show "clear outlines of genitalia". Weren't we told they'd be blurry? Who in their right mind would agree to stand naked in front of a security drone? So how come we're expected to think it's ok because Fat Al gets to cop an eyeful on a screen instead? Meanwhile we still wait for news as to how these machines which won't stop any terrorists aren't an invasion of privacy, when the head of Interpol himself has questioned the rollout of them and their cost.

If the gubberment thinks they're so fantastic and harmless, I propose that they publicize scans of themselves to show how they do not impinge anyone's privacy or right to exist without some fat chair jockey ogling your norks.

A quick guide for security droids. Terrorists don't look like this:








*Scan Hard 2: Scan Harder*

They tend to look like this:








*David Blaine, seen earlier today performing magic involving shoes and a lighter.*


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## ScoobyTT (Aug 24, 2009)

Yay! Airport Security Droids in no-bran no-train bunkum confiscation nonsense!

Canadian tourist to Britain, Ken Lloyd, had a three-inch long plastic model of an SA-80 confiscated by Gatwick Security Droids...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2011/01/28/gatwick_gun/

The enlarging ray being carried by his wife to re-size the miniature non-functional firearm to true proportions was allowed through. "According to the regulations, a firearm is a firearm and cannot pass."

It's not a firearm!!

"The rifle could not travel."

It's *not *a rifle!! Can we see the ammunition? :roll: The best bit is they wouldn't allow the "firearm" on the plane, but were happy to post it to the owner in Canada. :lol:

Where do these goons get their training when they allow a miniature disarmed soldier on board to continue his terrorist outrage using the concealed half-inch plastic knife he was also carrying? Some other gems from the comments on the story:



> While waiting for checking with Ryanair to open, I bought my 4 year old son the fireman sam magazine. attached to the front was a very cheap plastic water pistol.
> 
> while he passed through security, the officers informed us that we could not take a replica firearm into the flight - even though it was still attached to the fireman sam magazine!





> I remember about 9 years ago flying out of Bristol airport on holiday when we'd let out the 5year-old son pack his own bag of toys to discover at security that he put in all the toy planes he had - this prompted a reaction of "thats a lot of planes" from the securty staff followed by a discussion on whether the large number of model fighter jets with pretty sharp pointed ends were allowed or constitured a potential weapon ... fortunately they decided that they were "safe"!





> One sleepy morning going through the Schengan line one mother with her child are stopped at the X-Ray machine. The child has a plastic flint-lock pirate pistol. The security guy explains that even if it's a toy gun it could still be real and the proceeds to pull the trigger several times whilst pointing the offensive toy in random directions!





> Couple of years ago coming back out of Edmonton Alberta, the security guards took a Keyring in the shape of a pair of handcuffs off of me.
> 
> Now in his favour the cuffs did work, did open, did click closed..... However on the other hand the cuffs were about 2 cm across and the lock holes had little release pins sticking out of them....
> 
> I did point out that unless they had really really really small pilots and air hostesses it probably wouldnt be a problem, but I guess the risk of me temporarily (i.e. until they pushed the little pins) cuffing a pilots little fingers together was just to high a threat to the safety of the plane.





> Travelling back from Euro Disney some seven or eight years ago we had a 'replica' knife confiscated by French customs.
> 
> I say 'replica'. It was a four inch green plastic Peter Pan 'replica' dagger, complete with 'replica' plastic saphires and rubies on the 'gold' hilt. The 'blade' was at least 5mm wide and criss crossed with plastic webs to reinforce it so that it didn't snap... You would have had a job pushing it through a piece of wet paper let alone anything else. But, to the French officers, it was still a knife and had to go in the bin alongside the white plastic (with bobble end) Captain Hook 'replica' sword that they had no doubt confiscated off some other four year old terrorist earlier in the day...
> 
> Now, if I had bought the seven inch 'replica' solid alloy cast of the Eiffel Tower complete with pointy end that all the gift shops in the airport were selling then I could have taken it on without issue... That of course couldn't do any damage at all.





> I go through Gatwick Security every week and after a few months they managed to spot something in my wallet that I could have used to take over the plane: http://www.dremel-direct.com/acatalog/spanner.jpg. Yes a 3cm spanner for the Dremmel collet nut.


..and my "favourite":


> My wife and I were taking the kids to Disney Land last year and to keep our kids happy we had made them up play packs to keep them occupied and to stop them bugging us on the flight. Now the youngest decided to fire into his on the car trip to the airport and had came across the lego and made what every boy would - a crappy looking gun to shoot passing cars with.
> 
> During the pass through security this "firearm" was discovered and said he could not pass through with it. Now being the logical person, I simply broke up the lego gun back to its original pieces thinking the problem is solved.....nope my son now had a disassembled firearm according to the security. Where the hell do they find these guys!!!!!!
> 
> Thank you BAA for the pleasure of trying to explain to a 4 year old why his lego was taken off him....bunch of arseholes.


I feel safer already now that kids with with disassembled Lego firearms, plastic Disney swords and miniature handcuffs have been prevented from taking over the plane.


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## BLinky (Jul 3, 2009)

ouu I better post myself my finger nails just in case I use them to poke someone's eye out.


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## Dash (Oct 5, 2008)

Idiots everywhere. Is there nothing we can do?

Tell you what, anybody who has a decent plan to sort out education in this country gets my vote.


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## BLinky (Jul 3, 2009)

Dash said:


> Idiots everywhere. Is there nothing we can do?
> 
> Tell you what, anybody who has a decent plan to sort out education in this country gets my vote.


education takes more than a term in the office tho, takes at least 2 generations' time to get right and can't be done over night


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## ScoobyTT (Aug 24, 2009)

Dash said:


> Idiots everywhere. Is there nothing we can do?


I've got a few ideas. And a 3cm Dremel spanner. And I'm not afraid to use either of them! :x 

Oh look, some Lego...


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## Gazzer (Jun 12, 2010)

read start to finish............ROFLMAO, scoob ya right m8 and i think cameron is in need of a new communications director if u fancy the job. not sure they cud take the truth tho


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## SalsredTT (Jan 8, 2011)

Cooor Scooby - you would make a FANTASTIC newspaper correspondent ( think Liz whats her name on the daily mail femail colum) Inspired writing!!!


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## Charlie (Dec 15, 2006)

ScoobyTT said:


> During the pass through security this "firearm" was discovered and said he could not pass through with it. Now being the logical person, I simply broke up the lego gun back to its original pieces thinking the problem is solved.....nope my son now had a disassembled firearm according to the security. Where the hell do they find these guys!!!!!!


That is just fucking CLOWN SHOES :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Charlie


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## denTTed (Feb 21, 2007)

We flew the other week, after frisking and body scanners and removing our shoes to be rescanned we got re dressed in front of every body, we walked away and then I glanced at my wife who was still holding the litre of water she had walked into the airport with.

That was £30 saved on refreshments!!


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## pas_55 (May 9, 2002)

Last year the girl in front was told to remove her shoes before going through the scanner

She had flip-flops on!!


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## Gazzer (Jun 12, 2010)

pas_55 said:


> Last year the girl in front was told to remove her shoes before going through the scanner
> 
> She had flip-flops on!!


toe inserted bombs bud............they now putting 2kilo in per toe to bomb the uk :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## SteviedTT (Apr 10, 2009)

Have you seen how much skin coloured plastic explosive you can get into a raised arch :lol:


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## CamV6 (Oct 26, 2003)

All of this is why last summer the wife and I spent a very enjoyable fortinight in South of France and we travelled by car. Amazing how much stuff you can get in TTC! We plan to do the same this year. The joy of not having all that grief and not being molested, not subjected to humiliation, not perved at, not be used to gratify some loser's power trip, and not generally harassed was invalable. When we started to think of holidays I was recuctant and it took me some time to realise the major issue for me was all the airport bollo. It just ruins it all for me cos I cant help but feel so aggrieved not just by the restrictions, but in most part by the way it is administered.

Will be doing the same again this year cos I just cant cope with all that crap.

And its all to create a sense of fear and 'seige' so that various authorities can serve their political or economic ends.

One example of the excellent nonsense of all this........In the course of my work I go to Magistrates' Courts every day. There is a scanner and a security check at every Court, you have to remove all items from all pockets, and allow your briefcase to be pysically searched. If you cause the scanner to 'beep' the security man waves a handhelld scanner over you front and back until they find the metal item and its removed.

Not only doe this cause a huge bottle-neck at the front door every morning, but...

1. If the staff recognise you as a solicitor they mostly just wave you in

2. Mostly however,they insist on going through the motions with solicitors, but only just because someone is watching the security guard's actions on concealed CCTV!!!!!!!!

3. I always remove my car key and phone to go through the scanner. The scanner always then beeps. Mostly I'm never further checked, but even if the handheld one is waved at me and then beeps, if i just say '"pen" or "belt" or whatever, they say "oh ok" and that's that.

4. You may then say "aah but its about checking the punters, I bet they get thoroughly checked out and rightly so!" but that is incorrect too. Often corners are cut with the public too (especially when there's a queue and I'm creating merry hell at the back of it :twisted: ) and the search system becomes compromised so that anyone could easily smuggle anything they wanted in.

5. In effect all it does is provide a paid job to a mid-fifties fat geezer who would otherwise be unemployed, who doesnt want to do the job anyway, does it badly and only does it to the extent he wont get sacked for not doing it 'properly', it certainly doesnt provide any sort of genuine security from attack or threat. Actual security is at the bottom of the list of his pillock's priorities. I mean if someone ran in with a knofe of bomb, would he stand in the way and be a hero. Like feck he would!


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