# Chilli Anybody?



## essexalan (Feb 7, 2008)

Hope this is not a repost...

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention 
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better 
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this 
is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo 
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at 
the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed 
doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER 
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was 
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to 
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person 
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing 
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, 
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native 
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, 
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I 
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: 
__________________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. 
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could 
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers 
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These 
Texans are crazy. 
__________________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. 
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be 
taken seriously. 
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure 
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They 
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. 
__________________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. 
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. 
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels 
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by 
now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on 
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm 
getting shit-faced from all the beer. 
____________________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for 
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable 
to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the 
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb 
Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm 
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? 
_______________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, 
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. 
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. 
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead 
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people 
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended 
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, 
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly 
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? 
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to 
stop screaming. Screw those ********! 
________________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good 
balance of spice and peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, 
and garlic. Superb. 
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with 
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and 
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems 
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must 
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need 
to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 
___________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned 
peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in 
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take 
note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be 
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and 
I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and 
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is 
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My 
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At 
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've 
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not 
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it 
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. 
____________________________________________________ 
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI 
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, 
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare 
it's existence. 
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. 
Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was 
lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled 
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's 
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted 
to a really hot chili?


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## spumanti (Jan 31, 2008)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
Was laughing out loud here in the office!! (oops!)


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## Wallsendmag (Feb 12, 2004)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Lock_Stock (May 22, 2007)

I'm actually crying at my desk. People must have thought I was having a siesure, as I convulsed while trying not to laugh out lound!... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## karenb (Jun 12, 2005)

Lock_Stock said:


> I'm actually crying at my desk. People must have thought I was having a siesure, as I convulsed while trying not to laugh out lound!... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Me too  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: 

Think they've sent for the men in white coats....


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