# Tommy Cooper



## Terri_TT (Nov 18, 2004)

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"


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## TeeTees (Mar 9, 2006)

:lol: :lol: FLMAO.....the more stoopid, the better !! :lol:


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## CH_Peter (May 16, 2002)

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Some classics there!


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## GoingTTooFast (Apr 4, 2006)

I took my dogs to the vet today because he's cross eyed.

The vet picked him up, looked at his eyes, then said 'Im sorry I've got to put your dog down'

'Why, because he's cross eyed?'

'No, because he's heavy.'

Tommy Cooper is my hero! Although a few of those jokes are actually from Tim Vine! :wink:


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## TeeTees (Mar 9, 2006)

I actually didn't like Tommy Cooper when I was a toddler.....basically, I think it's cuz I didn't understand the quick-thinking jokes. But boy, do they crack me up now !! :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

:lol: :lol:


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## ObiWan (Sep 25, 2005)

Timeless :lol:


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## stevo2006 (May 8, 2006)

Tommy Cooper...LEGEND

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

love it

[smiley=clown.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=party2.gif]


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## The Silver Surfer (May 14, 2002)

:lol: Some good ones there.


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## Bravo (Nov 5, 2006)

Sorry to interrupt the thread.

But I can't bare to see these jokes being credited to Tommy Cooper, when they were actually made up by a British Comedian named 'Tim Vine'. A lot of their jokes often get muddled up.

But yes, some of them are hilarious.

His Wikipedia page can be found here; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine

And his Website; http://www.timvine.com/

He's currently touring at the moment, so if you get the chance to see them then please do. I saw him a couple of days ago, and he was just hilarious.

It's just a shame, as he aspires to Mr. Cooper, but often gets discredited for some of his superb one-liners.


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## GoingTTooFast (Apr 4, 2006)

Bravo said:


> Sorry to interrupt the thread.
> 
> But I can't bare to see these jokes being credited to Tommy Cooper, when they were actually made up by a British Comedian named 'Tim Vine'. A lot of their jokes often get muddled up.
> 
> ...


See my post above mate :wink:


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## Bravo (Nov 5, 2006)

Ah right, hadn't seen that. 

Well, the topic title should be Tommy Cooper & Tim Vine!


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