# SICK JOKES - Don't read if easily offended!



## SPECSMAN

I thought I would try to start a sick joke thread; in parallel to Stiffs Groan joke thread.

I'll kick off with this one, If no one else contributes, I get the message!

"Please give generously to this appeal; just £20 spent on mosquito nets, can save millions of
mosquitoes from contracting AIDS."

Credit (if that's the right word) to Jimmy Carr.

8)

EDITED: only for spelling mistake


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## Roller Skate

I'm a custodian of the sickest joke of all time ... I'd be banned from the forum for telling it. [smiley=argue.gif]


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## SPECSMAN

Roller Skate said:


> I'm a custodian of the sickest joke of all time ... I'd be banned from the forum for telling it. [smiley=argue.gif]


Oh, plllease! 

I haven't played my trump card yet!

We could both get kicked off

8)


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## Roller Skate

It's toxic chap ... the one time I told it was at a party and fists flew.


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## SPECSMAN

Roller Skate said:


> It's toxic chap ... the one time I told it was at a party and fists flew.


I have never been that offended by a joke, it's just that, a joke. (Even ones about bald, fat, spectacle wearers)

I know that some people have had a sense of humour bypass; or are out to be offended, but the warning is in the title.

Deal your toxic and I'll raise you with my nuclear !

It's only words (Bee Gees)

8)


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## barry_m2

Roller Skate said:


> It's toxic chap ... the one time I told it was at a party and fists flew.


Come on, you can't post a comment like that and not tell us! 

If someone is offended by it, that's their problem.


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## Roller Skate

barry_m2 said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's toxic chap ... the one time I told it was at a party and fists flew.
> 
> 
> 
> Come on, you can't post a comment like that and not tell us!
> 
> If someone is offended by it, that's their problem.
Click to expand...

Inboxed.


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## barry_m2

:lol:


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## Stiff

Damn, I'm itching to join in but I know full well it wouldn't be long before I would be removed. Or arrested. Or have death threats. Or all three.

Ok, I'll start with an old (mild) one...

Eta: In hindsight I'd better not. There's always someone that will shit their nappy at the first sign of twisted humour.


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Damn, I'm itching to join in but I know full well it wouldn't be long before I would be removed. Or arrested. Or have death threats. Or all three.
> 
> Ok, I'll start with an old (mild) one...
> 
> Eta: In hindsight I'd better not. There's always someone that will shit their nappy at the first sign of twisted humour.


Tease!


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Damn, I'm itching to join in but I know full well it wouldn't be long before I would be removed. Or arrested. Or have death threats. Or all three.
> 
> Ok, I'll start with an old (mild) one...
> 
> Eta: In hindsight I'd better not. There's always someone that will shit their nappy at the first sign of twisted humour.


Inboxed.


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## barry_m2

Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?


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## Roller Skate

barry_m2 said:


> Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?


What's 13 inches long and makes a woman scream?


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## SPECSMAN

barry_m2 said:


> Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?


OK

The kids are streetwise around these parts,

A nonce, doing a bit of kerb crawling, asked a young lad, "If I give you a sweetie, will you come in the car?"

................................................?

Your turn R/S


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## SPECSMAN

Roller Skate said:


> barry_m2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?
> 
> 
> 
> What's 13 inches long and makes a woman scream?
Click to expand...

That's a hard one!


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## SPECSMAN

Roller Skate said:


> What's 13 inches long and makes a woman scream?


I admit, I've Googled it!

Whilst understanding your reluctance to tell us, it wasn't too bad!

I can imagine, after a few jars, I may just tell that one. (and get my teeth kicked in for my trouble!)

Specsman 8)


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## YELLOW_TT

Roller Skate said:


> barry_m2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?
> 
> 
> 
> What's 13 inches long and makes a woman scream?
Click to expand...

I'm very offended by what I think the answer might be you will have to indox me the punch line so I know if I am correct in taking offence :wink:


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## Roller Skate

YELLOW_TT said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> barry_m2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?
> 
> 
> 
> What's 13 inches long and makes a woman scream?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I'm very offended by what I think the answer might be you will have to indox me the punch line so I know if I am correct in taking offence :wink:
Click to expand...

I'm going to let people guess for a while first Andy, might even see if the joke gets removed before the punchline. :lol:


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## MarksBlackTT

Well my last one was! I thought it funny but evidently moderators didn't. No worries though :?


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## NickG

Roller Skate said:


> barry_m2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe what you need to do is just post the first part of the joke, then let others post what they think the punchline is!?
> 
> 
> 
> What's 13 inches long and makes a woman scream?
Click to expand...

 :lol: There's much worse jokes out there...



> Whenever I was naughty as a kid, my dad would give me the slipper.
> 
> Which is what he called his cock when it was covered in baby oil


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## Stiff

I hate it when you walk into room and totally forget why you went in there.

Especially, when you're walking back downstairs and suddenly shit yourself.


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## Stiff

A teacher asks her pupils to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad people in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He went, "Urrrrgghh...arrrghh...and then shit himself...."


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> A teacher asks her pupils to discuss what their dads do for a living.
> 
> Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad people in jail."
> 
> Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
> 
> All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
> Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
> 
> "Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
> 
> "He went, "Urrrrgghh...arrrghh...and then shit himself...."


You should post mine. :lol:


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## Stiff

Roller Skate said:


> You should post mine. :lol:


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> You should post mine. :lol:
Click to expand...

Exactly right. :lol:


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## JulesB

Did you hear about the coachload of quadriplegics whose coach crashed and rolled down an embankment?
It took them 12 hours to retrieve the coach from the wreckage.


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## SPECSMAN

JulesB said:


> Did you hear about the coachload of quadriplegics whose coach crashed and rolled down an embankment?
> It took them 12 hours to retrieve the coach from the wreckage.


Would have been a blunderbus.


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## Stiff

Samantha had a lovely skirt,
with splits right up both sides,
and when she shimmied down the street,
the boys could see her thighs.

Samantha had another skirt,
with splits right up the front,
but she wasn't wearing that one today.


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Samantha had a lovely skirt,
> with splits right up both sides,
> and when she shimmied down the street,
> the boys could see her thighs.
> 
> Samantha had another skirt,
> with splits right up the front,
> but she wasn't wearing that one today.


Well, she should!


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## SPECSMAN

Little girl in class.......

"Miss, I've peed my pants!".

"well, you should have put your hand up!"

"I did, but it squirted through my fingers"


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## Stiff




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## Roller Skate

... by the way, before I disappear, the punchline to my joke?

Cot death.


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## Stiff

Roller Skate said:


> ... by the way, before I disappear, the punchline to my joke?
> 
> Cot death.


 :lol:


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## Stiff




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## Stiff

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


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## Stiff

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says "not yew tree again"


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## Stiff

I walked in the bedroom earlier to find the wife dead on the bed. Looking at her lifeless body I thought one more shag before I call the doctor. So there I am, bang at it when she opened her eyes and said "BOO".

honestly some people have a sick sense of humour.


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## Stiff

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.


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## Stiff

Newsflash:

Jonathan Ross has been arrested after saying Christmas is a good time to put wogs on the fire.


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## YELLOW_TT

Stiff said:


> Newsflash:
> 
> Jonathan Ross has been arrested after saying Christmas is a good time to put wogs on the fire.


 :lol: :lol:


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## MarksBlackTT

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## MarksBlackTT

"IRONMAN" is a super hero.
IRON WOMAN is just a simple, understandable instruction.


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## SPECSMAN

MarksBlackTT said:


> "IRONMAN" is a super hero.
> IRON WOMAN is just a simple, understandable instruction.


Excellent...can't wait to tell a few ladies that one!


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## Stiff

SPECSMAN said:


> Excellent...can't wait to tell a few ladies that one!


Excellent... can't wait to see how long your bruises last


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## SPECSMAN

What's going on, Keith Chegwin has been dead for 24 hours, and no sick jokes yet. So I've dusted off an old one.

Keith Chegwin has bravely announced that he has a problem with alcohol.

Who said "Cheggers can't be boozers"


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## fertooos

I'm a custodian of the sickest joke of all time ... I'd be banned from the forum for telling it.


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## SPECSMAN

fertooos said:


> I'm a custodian of the sickest joke of all time ... I'd be banned from the forum for telling it.


Deja Vu?


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## Taylortony

why do women not fart..
because they never keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.


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