# Joke of the day.



## Homie

As a child my sister watched Mary Poppins so many times she suffered from a condition with her sight. She was diagnosed with .....................

Wait for it ........................................

Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye."


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## Roller Skate

.


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## Homie

Roller Skate said:


> .


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## Homie

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


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## Roller Skate

Homie said:


> I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


Much better.


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## Homie

I just had a bird-proof lawn laid in my garden, ...............

It's impeccable


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## j8keith

Homie said:


> I just had a bird-proof lawn laid in my garden, ...............
> 
> It's impeccable


 :roll: :roll: :lol: :roll: :roll:


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## Homie

I visited my local RSPCA today. It's tiny.................

you couldn't swing a cat in there.


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## Stiff

On Saturday my pal went through the painful procedure of having his spine and both testicles removed....
Still, he got some great wedding presents though.


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## Homie

My budgie broke his leg today so i made him a little splint out of a couple of matches...........

when he tried to walk his little face just lit up!


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## David Wheeler

:lol:


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## Hoggy

Homie said:


> My budgie broke his leg today so i made him a little splint out of a couple of matches...........
> 
> when he tried to walk his little face just lit up!


 :lol: :lol: 
Hoggy.


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## YELLOW_TT

:lol: :lol:


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## mlfox

Confucius say:

"Crowded elevator smell different to midget."


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## j8keith

mlfox said:


> Confucius say:
> 
> "Crowded elevator smell different to midget."


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Stiff

Confucius say:

"Man who go to bed with hard problem, wake up with solution on stomach"


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## SPECSMAN

Confucius says:

He who walks through airport turnstile sideways, is going to Bangkok.


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## mlfox

Confucius say:

"Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house..."


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## j8keith

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Stiff

A 75 year old man Gary was having his yearly checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!"Gary boasted.

"I've got a 20 year old wife who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an insatiable hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor asked.

Dumbfounded, Gary replied, "No, what?"

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."

"That cannot be true!" screamed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear!"

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.


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## SLine_Tom

Stiff said:


> A 75 year old man Gary was having his yearly checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
> 
> "I've never been better!"Gary boasted.
> 
> "I've got a 20 year old wife who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
> 
> The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an insatiable hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
> 
> The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor asked.
> 
> Dumbfounded, Gary replied, "No, what?"
> 
> The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
> 
> "That cannot be true!" screamed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear!"
> 
> "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.


That's genius  :lol:  :lol:


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## Stiff

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."

The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."

"Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.
> 
> All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."
> 
> The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."
> 
> The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."
> 
> The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."
> 
> "Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....


Paddy got the job when I heard it (50 years ago  ) but that was before racism was invented!


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## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham, another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London.
> 
> All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."
> 
> The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me."
> 
> The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."
> 
> The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job."
> 
> "Done!" replies the government official..... And that is how Carillion was born.....


Brilliant and probably true. :lol:


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## Stiff

My wife just rang me at work. She said, 
"Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 4 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."
I said, "You'll be f****** lucky....I only ordered one controller."


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## MClaine55

In memory of the passing of Ken Dodd, piers Morgan quoted one of Ken's un-pc jokes that made me smile. Something along the lines of (sorry about the mis quote)

the lady was a topless ventriloquist and nobody saw her lips move


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## fertooos

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


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## ZephyR2

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. "Who's he?" asked the man.

"That's the Memory Man." said the barman. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out." So the man goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1980 FA Cup Final?"

"West Ham," replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Arsenal," was the reply.

"And the score?"

"1-0," he said.

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Trevor Brooking," was the old man's reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA on holiday and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory Man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box!!


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