# Funny Courtroom Quotes



## kojak (Oct 16, 2013)

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July fifteenth. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident? 
A: Approximately milepost 499. 
Q: And where is milepost 499? 
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? 
A: Yes. 
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? 
A: Yes, sir. 
Q: What did she say? 
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No. 
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? 
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? 
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show? 
WITNESS: There were traces of semen. 
LAWYER: Male semen? 
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York? 
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. 
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago? 
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. 
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami? 
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? 
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. 
LAWYER: It was covered? 
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged. 
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see? 
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..." 
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God." 
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." 
WITNESS: That's right. 
CLERK: Repeat it. 
WITNESS: "Repeat it". 
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said. 
WITNESS: What you said when? 
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." 
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give." 
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! 
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. 
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." 
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." 
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...". 
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.) 
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say:"Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: Yes. 
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
CLERK: Well? Do so. 
WITNESS: You're confusing me. 
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...". 
CLERK: Yes. 
WITNESS: Okay. I understand. 
CLERK: Then say it. 
WITNESS: What? 
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it. 
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..." 
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! 
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth". 
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now? 
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words. 
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth." 
CLERK: Thank you. 
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed? 
WITNESS: I did. 
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond? 
WITNESS: I did. 
LAWYER: And did you observe anything? 
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.) 
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw? 
WITNESS: I saw George. 
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing? 
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.) 
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so? 
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks. 
LAWYER: His "thing"? 
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis. 
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him? 
WITNESS: Of course I did! 
LAWYER: What did you say to him? 
WITNESS: "Morning, George"


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## SPECSMAN (Oct 11, 2016)

LOL LOL LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## ZephyR2 (Feb 20, 2013)

Some great ones there but .... "Morning George" takes the biscuit. :lol: :lol:


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## j8keith (Jun 26, 2009)

:lol: :lol: :lol: some real classics


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## MarksBlackTT (Nov 29, 2016)

Absolutely brilliant. Laughed my a**e off


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## John-H (Jul 13, 2005)

I loved the brain in a jar one - would have been so funny to be there. :lol:


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## Von Twinzig (Feb 10, 2014)

Just brilliant. Made me laugh. :lol:

VT


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