# Oh no it's me... Remember me? lol



## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

Hey guys and girls... Just wanted to nip on here and steal some pics that i had posted on here and got reading some off the posts and realised how much i've missed this place... What a sad git i am 

Don't read if you find boring people going on about their problems boring.

Havn't been about much... Just had the worst run off luck i've ever had nearly two years off it... Got myself into a right rut, no matter what i did everything went wrong... Got to a point i couldn't even get to my knees before something else would put me flat on my back again... Always thought i was mentally strong to deal with anything. But i thought wrong, guess only so much shite that can be taken. I know i'm better off than alot off people but feel for anyone that got in my state... Went to the docs was just given pills and sent on my way... Once they kicked in was ok for a month or so then back down on my ass... Go to the docs again he would increase the doseage and sent me on my way again... Then having the same result. In the end i gave up on them... Took to taking something that you don't get prescribed... All the time i was on that i could live with myself... But the obvious problems then stemmed from that... Pretty much forgot what work was. Then ran out off savings then abused my credit cards and so on. Basically fucked up my whole life... Everything i've worked for... In the end it took my sister to finally kick me into shape... Still not out off the woods... Still avoiding taking calls from any company that wants there money back... But i'm back facing people... Off the drugs and back doing a few days work... Still not enough to make a decent living yet. but im getting there. TBH i've been to ashamed to show my face even on here. Would just spend my days stuck in a room feeling sorry for myself. Took my family and close friends to make me see sense. That i am so glad about... Dread to think where i would be now without them. Gave my sister the company, lock stock... Would have gone under anyway so gave it to her as she is a tenacious cow and is bringing it back from the brink.

So basically since the last time i was on here ive

1 Lost myself and my dignity and pushed friends and family away
2 Got into a mountain off debt
3 Became a scum off the earth druggy
4 Met and Wen't out with a scum chav druggy that just loved spending any money i had in my pocket and then fucked off back to her ex who keeps telling me he's gunna kill my mother while i'm out working one night. 
5 Became a loser that was worried about what was outside the frontdoor
6 hid away in a room for days on end

7 Got told plenty off home truths by my sister
8 Realised she was right
9 Got my friends and other members off my family turning up at all hours keeping an eye on me
10 started feeling better about myself
11 Completely layed off the drugs
12 Started going out again...No choice i get dragged out lol.
13 Started going back to work a couple off nights a week
14 Slight set back got arrested again for assault but cctv proved it was in self defence kinda. Was protecting a young girl passenger from a bigger nut job than me. No charges are being brought. Thank god. 
15 Starting to smile again.
16 Thought i'd best let my ex's boyfriend realise i'm not the timid down beaten guy he had only ever met. Think he's got the message. :twisted: 
17 Thinking about answering the phone to the debt collectors, but still to ashamed and embarressed.
18 Got a call out off the blue from my first and only ever love. 11 years weve been split up and weve both been honest to each other and realised we have only ever loved eachover and no one else... Things are looking up... However it's early days... Taking it slow as i aint 100% and i won't ever risk hurting her because off my problems.

Sorry bout that... Was just gunna say hello and it all just blurted out lol.

Make no mistake i ain't looking for sympathy or attention... Now i'm thinking straightish kind off. I realised there were people that cared about me that would have helped if i had only asked. So really i brought this on myself and blame can rest with me... Could have been so easily avoided. Just so glad i've not actually caused anyone harm over this... But have no excuse for putting my sister through this. Just glad i never ended up on the jeremy Kyle show...Would have been the last insult i think

Amazing what happens in such a short time.... So hows everyone on here? Is there anyone left here that i know? Or you all moved on? Have i missed much? 

Wow just been on a wander and see everyone is still posting the same questions as ever on the mk1 forum... But then i aint really that surprised.

And im also still the 28th higher poster lol...Oh dear. lol

oooooooo and Scotty has finally been taken off as a moderator...


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## renton72 (Feb 17, 2004)

Jamie,

Blimey, your right alot can happen in a short space of time.

Im sorry to hear of your troubles and glad that things are looking up. How is your mum doing at the moment? is she better than she was?

Your not forgotten at the leek meets you are always spoken about, you are a leek legend!!. We always wondered why you havent been down but your post has explained that.

If your up for a trip out on a Sunday then come down, we would love to see you.

Take care mate and keep on the right path. I hope i see you sometime soon .

Chris


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## BAMTT (Feb 22, 2004)

Jesus Jamie

You've had an bad run, sorry to hear of all your woes, Hopefully things are on the turn now especially with your first love (I married mine in the end !)

As Chris said come along to a few meets, theres an RR day in Surrey next weekend a few of us LEEK guys and a few old faces are going to.

Tony

p.s i never wore those trousers again :lol:


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## cuTTsy (Jan 31, 2003)

Welcome back, good you realised and have started to make changes. Best of luck and stick with it.


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## zedman (Jan 31, 2005)

onwards and upwards my man - it's all still to play for....


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## Wallsendmag (Feb 12, 2004)

Glad to hear you've turned the corner ,you just have to remember how bad it was at the lowest point.


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## thebears (Jan 14, 2006)

Welcome back Jamie,

Same people same faces around here and as you say say questions!

Just keep smiling and think of it as a learning experience 

Hope to catch up soon. 8)


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## Hev (Feb 26, 2005)

Hey Duckie 

Good to see you back...you'll always have friends around here :-*

Hev x


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## NaughTTy (Jul 9, 2003)

Well hellooooo stranger - Welcome back matey 

Glad to hear you're heading in the right direction now - hope it continues.

As the LEEK boys have said, would be great to see you at a meet if you're up to it - Kneesworth next Wednesday if you fancy it - you've been missed at these 

You've got my number if you feel like a chat 

Hope to catch up soon Jamie


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## pbarlow003 (Aug 11, 2005)

Blimey! I'm not one of the recognised "faces" on here, but i've been around a while, and i remember reading your postings about getting the RS4. A lot can happen in a short time, sorry to hear of the sh1t you've been through.

I'm just glad you're on the way up again, and it sounds like you're being very strong. Keep it up!!


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## mighTy Tee (Jul 10, 2002)

Blimey Jamie, I know things were not good, but hadnt realised things had gotten that bad for you. Keep looking upwards and forwards and things will continue to get better.


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## Love_iTT (Aug 18, 2002)

Right you, get yourself along to the next Kneesworth meet next Wednesday - that will be a good start back into the fold again, you know you'll be most welcome. I might even let you sit in my RS4 to bring back some good memories for you, even better - Tim *might* let you sit in his R8. :roll: :wink:

Good to see you back Jamie.

Graham


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## Hilly10 (Feb 4, 2004)

Hang on in there buddy sounds like you are turning the corner. You have lots of friends on here :wink:


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## Lisa. (May 7, 2002)

Hey Jamie

Glad to see you back, you have been missed. There was an empty chair reserved for you (between Mrs Coope and I) at the Kneesworth Christmas meet. We were expecting you and you didn't show. We had no idea that you had demons to deal with. Glad to hear you've now on the way back up again and we're glad we've got you back again.

See you Wednesday, no excuses


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## ronin (Sep 6, 2003)

What you just penned tooks guts.
You could have done the old been busy thing, but coming forward straight out the box with the truth takes some spine.
Sounds like you had a low point so it can only be high (metaphorically) from now on.
Keep smiling fella


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

Guys thanks so much... I knew i had friends from here just like my long time friends and family... But it's the strangest thing... Never been in that situation before... You know youve got a problem... But you ignore it in a way... Its like you just bury your head in the sand on purpose... Then think constantly tomorrow you will get yaself sorted, but tomorrow comes and then you think ok ill take some more today but def tomorrow i'll sort myself out... Then it just comtinues...To the point you then realise it's to late... And you then become a master of deception by making everything look ok. So then people just thought cause off my mum. I was just busy with looking after her... Wasnt till my sister stumbled across a bag she realised what i'd been doing... and basically kidnapped me. Luckily she is the only person that as ever been able to get through to me... Wasnt long before she started getting me to confront things... It is hard there isnt a minute that goes past when i want to get out of my face... But i think how upset my sister was and that pretty much stops me.. Just wish it would take the hunger away.



Lisa. said:


> Hey Jamie
> 
> Glad to see you back, you have been missed. There was an empty chair reserved for you (between Mrs Coope and I) at the Kneesworth Christmas meet. We were expecting you and you didn't show. We had no idea that you had demons to deal with. Glad to hear you've now on the way back up again and we're glad we've got you back again.
> 
> See you Wednesday, no excuses


I feel so bad about the Christmas party... I've got to apolagise to Norm. I had even got ready. Had every intention off coming went down to the car and then just sat in it for ages... Lost my bottle and went back hid away.

And to think i missed out on being sat between two lovely ladies... [smiley=bigcry.gif]

I will see how i feel Wednesday. I'll come up if i having a good day.


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

Good to hear from you again mate I remember some good banter we had on here sad to hear you have had such a bad time of it over the last few years glad you are comming out of the otherside now keep moving forward and dont look back best wishes


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## dave_uk (Feb 20, 2006)

Jammie,

Good to have you back mate, wondered where you had got to :?

Hope to see you soon.

dave


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## mde-tt (Aug 7, 2007)

ronin said:


> What you just penned tooks guts.
> You could have done the old been busy thing, but coming forward straight out the box with the truth takes some spine.
> Sounds like you had a low point so it can only be high (metaphorically) from now on.
> Keep smiling fella


Yep, I agree with that.
Never meet you, or posted on a thread with you before, but you sound like you've had a tough run and nobody deserves that. Let alone a fellow forum member.

You've got big gonads to post what you did and hopefully the support you've had since then from other members has helped you feel a bit of normality again.

Chin up fella, keep crashing at it


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## scoTTy (May 6, 2002)

Get your butt to Kneesworth!!

The big step was making this post. Catching up with some old buddies is nothing in comparison to the step you've already taken.

p.s. Yep and eventually I did get Jae to remove me as a mod .... and most of the others have since quit yet the site doesn't reflect that! :lol:


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

Love_iTT said:


> Right you, get yourself along to the next Kneesworth meet next Wednesday - that will be a good start back into the fold again, you know you'll be most welcome. I might even let you sit in my RS4 to bring back some good memories for you, even better - Tim *might* let you sit in his R8. :roll: :wink:
> 
> Good to see you back Jamie.
> 
> Graham


Cheers Graham.

Be nice to sit in a decent car again. The transit is fun when it's sideways but it's getting it up to speed thats the problem.

As for Tim. I redlined his S4 as a treat so he could hear what a wonderful sound it made the first time i met him. I've let him buy me dinner on his birthday. So as we are pretty much the bestest of friends infact almost brothers...I'll redline the R8 for him as another treat. He's knows he's gunna love it  Might take me an hour or so off jolly driving to get used to the car and it's abilities though


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

renton72 said:


> Jamie,
> 
> Blimey, your right alot can happen in a short space of time.
> 
> ...


Cheers chris me old mucker.

I should hope im not forgotten at the LEEK meets took me days to come up with material to keep yas all entertained. I honestly really at that goofy :?  Well ok i am. Well i was... Hope to be again  . My exploits havnt been anywhere as fun as they used to be. Unless getting kicked constantly in the bollox is anyones idea off fun. I'm actually tryin and not succeeding in thinking off a single entertaining thing ive done in the last year. But then don't remember much off it. Except how to blow a feck load off money in a short time. If i was Brewster....I could have got rid off that $30,000,000 in a day. and he got 30 days. (Movie - Brewsters Millions for those still in nappies).

As for my mum. Irony she disabled, can't talk, just the odd word and nods her head and says the word no at the same time to a yes or no question... Was the only person to actually cotton on that i had a major problem.

Erm tough really no different to a year ago as far as she still paralized and has problems talking. She is getting better with a few more words... But i mean just a few. Bit disturbing really she can say every swear word there is and she proves that constantly. The only other word she can say is my name. What does that tell ya? lol Never knew my name was to be held in the same vain a [email protected]#% [email protected]#% etc etc lol.

So anyway not great but the sad thing is there are hints that she is getting demensia. And as much as i hate and hurts to say it. Once that happens it's pretty much over. No hope she will ever recover.

She still living with me... Despite everything i've done i havnt let her down when it comes to making sure she is looked after. Just let her down with everything else.


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

ronin said:


> What you just penned tooks guts.
> You could have done the old been busy thing, but coming forward straight out the box with the truth takes some spine.
> Sounds like you had a low point so it can only be high (metaphorically) from now on.
> Keep smiling fella


Thanks

However i see what your saying. But having guts and spine would have stopped me from getting into this situation in the first place. It's because i lacked those qualities i lacked the courage to seek proper help in the first place. Help that i never really asked for rather than put on me in a tough love manner. So i didn't face up to my demons until i was forced to. Glad i was forced to in the end. But the addiction is over. been clean for around a month. But there is still alot to face. Overcoming the depression. Also deciding what i can do to sort out my finances. I could never hope to pay back what i owe anytime soon. For instance one company i owe Â£18,000. They are willing to accept Â£4,000 providing it's in a lump some and within 6 months. Ok as i dont need to worry about my credit rating now because it gone from perfect to alarms would sound if i ask anywhere. So i want to slap 4k in there hand right this second. But when 4k was at one point a case off hang on ill just get my debit card and wouldnt even need to check what i had in my account i knew it was there. Now it's a case off well i may have it if you give me 12 months. So there are still alot off hurdles for me to face.

Writing what i did on here was easy tbh. Easier than telling someone face to face. One thing i do know that despite i am embarressed and ashamed. The people on here that know me. Would know i wouldn't have got myself into this mess if i was in a right frame off mind. I may have always been a clown on the outside but i'd always been sensible on the inside. Depression without support is a very tough thing to live with. When it's hard for you to seek help. You need someone to help you do it. When you can't tell anyone youve got it because there are no obvious signs at first and in urself you don't know whats wrong. Until your told. But when your told and given medication it still doesnt go away. Then the problems become how to just get through the day. Suicide seems the best option. But you can't bring yaself to doing that. You look for ways out. I found a short term way out. But it has destroyed everything i ever was. Which has created more problems. But i believe i have been and got through my lowest point now. Feeling stronger day after day. But can't manage a week yet where i don't have a few days where i'm in a fragile state.

But i am glad i posted now. Already i've had a pm from someone that is also suffering from what i have been. Offering support and in away abit off group therapy. TBH i'm not surprised. Infact i'm more surprised it's only been one person. Depression is very common illness. I think it's actually classed as a disease. Not sure. Someone will look it up and let me know. But as i have said it is a common illness now. Everyone has it. Some not so severe, others like me or worse. It's very hard to pick up on. However it's hard to live with and to let others know your suffering from it. Not asking anyone to interrogate friends or family to see if they do suffer from Depression. But to be mindful somebody close to you could have it and you might not even know. But they are crying inside wanting help but can't ask. Heres a useful link

http://www.depressionalliance.org/


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

scoTTy said:


> Get your butt to Kneesworth!!
> 
> The big step was making this post. Catching up with some old buddies is nothing in comparison to the step you've already taken.
> 
> p.s. Yep and eventually I did get Jae to remove me as a mod .... and most of the others have since quit yet the site doesn't reflect that! :lol:


I'll be there... Well aim to be... Been txting Paul and like i said to him i won't actually know till im there. Still fragile quite often. So last thing i want you guys to see. Esp you ya piss taker :wink: is me having a moment when i break out in a flood off tears. :roll: ... Can handle most off it. But breaking into tears for no apparent reason is a right pain in the ass not to mention embarressing. But not so much that. I do not want to put a downer on the evening.

Can't believe you have still got that ugly coloured car. :lol:


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## renton72 (Feb 17, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


> As for my mum. Irony she disabled, can't talk, just the odd word and nods her head and says the word no at the same time to a yes or no question... Was the only person to actually cotton on that i had a major problem.


Im so sorry to hear that  , there is no one that know you better than your mother and although she is disabled she is looking after you, and you still looking after her even with the problems you have faced. You have each other.



genocidalduck said:


> She still living with me... Despite everything i've done i havnt let her down when it comes to making sure she is looked after. Just let her down with everything else.


You havent let her down as you are still caring for her, and your situation is getting better, so you are past you lowest point. Just keep taking those steps on the right path.

Hang in there.


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## jampott (Sep 6, 2003)

Hey Jamie,

I'm not on here that often these days, but Lisa said you'd been on, so I read your post...

I'm gutted for you, that things could get that way - but everyone has moments of weakness at some point. You might not have had the mental strength at the time to stop getting there in the first place, but it seems to have kicked in now. Better late than never, so make sure you grasp it and just keep holding on this time.

As for Wednesday, like everyone else says, get yourself there. You were missed at Xmas, but Xmas is long gone now... next week is different.

You know what we're like - it wouldn't be possible to put a downer on the evening, even if your eyes start watering. I don't think there's anyone coming who would laugh at you, take the piss, or turn their back. You're one of 'us'. Once you understand that coming along, even if you lose it a bit when you get here, is far more important than NOT coming, suddenly there's no reason not to.

There's a lot of things in life you can't do on your own, and when you start to feel strong enough to make use of the people around you, it gets easier. See you on Wed!


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## scoTTy (May 6, 2002)

genocidalduck said:


> scoTTy said:
> 
> 
> > Get your butt to Kneesworth!!
> ...


Just for you I might leave it at home for the meet and use something else 8)

Re depression : I've been fortunate not to be a sufferer but I've been thru it with Mrs Scotty when she had Post Natal Depression.

It's a horrid condition. It's slow but is does get better.


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

scoTTy said:


> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> > scoTTy said:
> ...


What toy you got? I know you don't even have to say it... Your gunna make sure i come to see for myself... I'm guessing a caterham or something similier. I'm not even gunna go search through other marques to find out.


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

jampott said:


> Hey Jamie,
> 
> I'm not on here that often these days, but Lisa said you'd been on, so I read your post...
> 
> ...


Cheers Tim

Don't know what else to say...But thanks. Also sorry people will see you've got a sensitive side.


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## robokn (Feb 21, 2006)

I have never met you but I can say It does get better believe me Suffered a bit with material problems and you do come out better and stronger you have done the hardest part and now you have the rest of your life to look forward to so reach out and grab it with both hands and don't let go EVER


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## garyc (May 7, 2002)

Ducky,

Sorry to read that you have been though the emotional mill of late. You will turn that corner. Do all you can to make it happen sooner rather than later.

But when you do, are you sure that you will want all your very personal stuff, aired here on a very public forum? Your candour is admirable as long as you are happy for _anyone_ to see it now or later.

Sounds like you are taking control of your life. Try and keep in the Half Full Club.


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## R6B TT (Feb 25, 2003)

Hey Jamie,

Sorry you've been through it, but well done for posting. And glad things are on the up.

You have PM


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## aidb (Mar 19, 2003)

Glad things are looking better for you. Take care.


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## A3DFU (May 7, 2002)

Hi Jamie,

that took some courage to post what you did. By the sound of it you managed to wade out of the mud into the day light. Keep on walking; it's getting brighter and better the further you walk


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

garyc said:


> Ducky,
> 
> Sorry to read that you have been though the emotional mill of late. You will turn that corner. Do all you can to make it happen sooner rather than later.
> 
> ...


Thanks Gary.

I understand what your saying. I did actually come on here just to say hello had a few problems and back... Ended up spilling it all out. Read it a few times before i hit the submit button. But in the end i decided to. Few reasons. I never have cared what people think off me... Well i didn't until i got stuck. Then i cared about everything but at same time couldn't seem able to do it. By putting it on here for all to see is something i feel for the time being as something i needed to do. For long time i was pretty much in denial about both the depression and drugs. For me to be able to put it up here for anyone to see. Helps me see where i am on the way back in terms off how i feel mentally. 2 months ago i'd have been to ashamed. And probably just typed some shit about how the world isnt fair and whats the point etc. So i am happy to keep it there.

Also i am because off this forum and the type off people that view it. Most are all in decent jobs. Which comes alot off pressure. Long hours. Tough decisions etc. Prime candidates for depression. Just from my own experience and from others ive spoken to. I hope i'm not right. But when you think off depression i was the same. You think your weak and try to mask it. Basically being in denial. Whats worse at first you just slip into it. I never woke up one day feeling depressed. Can't even remember when i started feeling it. It was only because off a forum member and that job she did. I asked her about it. Then feeling abit concerned i went to see the doctor. Within seconds i was basically having a breakdown. Nothing i hadnt experienced before. Just always thought i was having a bad days and i'd soon get over it. But turns out i'm depressed. So if someone reads my post and it hits a chord. Hopefully they will see sense and go seek help. Before they get as deep as i did.


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