# Tim Vine jokes



## John-H (Jul 13, 2005)

I went to the chemist walked up the counter and said "parrrrp" and she gave me some lotion. I said "That's amazing, how did you understand what I just said?" and she said "Parrrp - purrup parrrp - purrrp"

Velcro - what a rip off!

I remember what my mother first said to me when I was born - "I was expecting you".

My local police chief does a talk on heroine - you can't understand any of it.

I'll tell you what often gets overlooked - garden fences.

So I went to the doctors and he said you've got a heart complaint. I said, "Murmour?" - He said, "Mrrmmmrmurhhrhhrrm.."

I was reading in the newspapar the other day that the thief stealing T-shirts in order of size is still at large.

There was this one armed butler - serves him right.

One armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue - can't put it down!

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what ... Never again

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . . . dicing with death!

So I rang up British Telecom and said: 'I want to report a nuisance caller.' He said: 'Not you again.'

Albinos - you can't say fairer than that.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'

So I said to this train driver: 'I want to go to Paris.' He said: 'Eurostar?' I said: 'I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.'

Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said: 'Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.' I thought: 'I can't turn that down.'

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I wanted to be a milkman - but I didn't have the bottle

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

The advantage of easy origami is twofold...

This bloke says to me: 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought: 'That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness.'

I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags - he's bisatchel.

So I went down the local supermarket. I said: 'I want to make a complaint - this vinegar's got lumps in it.' He said: 'Those are pickled onions.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I used go out with an anaesthetist - she was a local girl.

Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said: 'You are.'

During the war, my grandfather could not stop scribbling. He got hit by a Doodlebug.

I've got a front door made from sponge. Don't knock it.

I've played football on a plane, you know . . . there I was, running up the wing!

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf.' 'I'm not gambling,' I said. 'The steaks are too high.'

I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift.

Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors.

I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back.'

So I went down my local icecream shop and said: 'I want to buy an icecream.' He said: 'Hundreds and thousands?' I said: 'We'll start with the one.'

When I left home, my mum said: 'Don't forget to write.' I thought: 'That's unlikely - it's a basic skill, isn't it?'

So I met a gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Weggie Kray.

I went to the record shop and I said: 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said 'parking fine'. So that was nice.

What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

I was in the Army once and the sergeant said to me: 'What does surrender mean?' I said: 'I give up!'

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula's house . . . I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

When it comes to cosmetic surgery, a lot of people turn their noses up.


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## Hoggy (May 8, 2002)

:lol: :lol: 
Hoggy.


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## j8keith (Jun 26, 2009)

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## davelincs (Jan 1, 2010)

very good John :lol:


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## T3RBO (Dec 9, 2003)

:lol: :lol:


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