# Amusing Facebook Status', Maybe?



## whirlypig (Feb 20, 2003)

A friend of mine has way too much time on his hands as they are a selection of status' from his Facebook account for the last few weeks. It keeps me amused 

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My girlfriend had a coil fitted and still got pregnant.

We're expecting a baby in the spring.

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I wake up with wood, she wakes up with wouldn't.

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My retinas can now talk to each other thanks to my eye phone.

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They told me straight away at the interview that I wasn't suitable for the job.

"You haven't had any experience in the restaurant business as a Sous Chef, have you?" they said.

"How could you tell?" I asked.

"Well," came the reply, "the eagle feathers and warpaint."

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I kept getting up late for work so I went to see a doctor who advised that I sleep on a bed of herbs.

Now I always wake up on thyme.

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There was an accident on the motorway today. I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.

I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there

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I've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting.

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Women: Avoid the confusion of not knowing which lane to be in at roundabouts by simply taking the bus and selling your car.

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I was in a coffee shop the other day and a couple of birds were talking about guys who drive big expensive cars have tiny cocks. So I walked over to her to show her up.

'Excuse me' I said 'that's not entirely true is it? I have a small inexpensive car and my penis is tiny'

That shut the bitch up!

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Hundreds of years ago a scientist came up to me and asked me what I thought of ink, his new invention.

I said the idea looked good on paper.

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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

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Scientists claim that Britain moves 3 inches away from America each year.

Well aren't we also moving 3 inches closer to them as well, since the world is round?

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Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

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People ask me if I live my life on the edge.

Let's just say I'm the kind of guy who eats apples without washing them first.

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Had the police knocking at my door last night. My wife was gob-smacked.

Or "A victim of Domestic Violence" as they called it.

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I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

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Sunderland have accepted a £24 million offer for Darren Bent

£30 million + Emile Heskey

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BBC News: 'Woman Dumped In Remote Area'.

So she had a shit on the arm of her sofa?

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Went to the library today and found out I could have my penis enlarged.

Ended up getting kicked out for 'inappropriate use of the photocopiers'

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What a load of bollocks it is about women multi-tasking ...I just told the wife to sit down and shut up... Can she do it? ... Can she fuck!

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It says in the evening paper that a dog ran 31 miles to return a stick that it's master had thrown for it.

Seems very far fetched to me

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Roy Hodgson.

The worst Pool manager since Michael Barrymore.

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BBC News Headline. "Shot US Senator still critical".

At what point are they expecting her to start paying him compliments?

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Why does everyone think my Dads are gay?

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A man has been accused of stabbing 6 people to death with just knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

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Fool people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities

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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

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I see Gerry Rafferty is to be buried in the same cemetery as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger. Clown to the left of him, joker to the right!

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My mate just got busted trying to steal Chocolate bars from a shop by concealing them in his jacket.

I wonder of he's got any more twix up his sleeve?

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When I'm in the back of a black cab, I like to trick other motorists and pedestrians into thinking I'm on Come Dine With Me by holding up laminated sheets of paper with numbers on them.

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Just been over to Halfords. The January sale is really good in the camping department.

Now is the winter of our discount tents

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It's cruel that people make fun of the way Stephen Hawking talks.

I use one of those voice boxes myself and can synthesize with him.

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My son's just had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

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The first rule of Mime Club is: you do not talk about Mime Club

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My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

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I'm starting a one-man band.

Email me if you're interested.

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## richieshore (May 17, 2010)

Almost all of them are from sickipedia.com

Still good though.


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## jamietd (Aug 25, 2010)




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## davelincs (Jan 1, 2010)

Very good, :lol:


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## Dotti (Mar 9, 2003)

There's some great ones about :lol:


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## Hoggy (May 8, 2002)

:lol: :lol: :lol: excellent.
Hoggy.


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## T3RBO (Dec 9, 2003)

:lol: :lol:


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## John-H (Jul 13, 2005)

Some good ones there - almost Tommy-Cooper-esque


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## Charlie (Dec 15, 2006)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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