# OK lets hear it for JC



## ashus (Jun 26, 2005)

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence,
effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, 
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will 
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end 
your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the
suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to
respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know 
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will 
also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such
as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as 
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby
sevens side by 2006. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, versized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive 
Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for 
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will 
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go
metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known
as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. 
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as 
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out 
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up 
enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

JC


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## Nismodreamin (Aug 1, 2005)

that has to be the dumbest and most humorless thing I have ever read. 
thank you, that is all.


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## ashus (Jun 26, 2005)

Now now.

Moody by place name moody by nature.

However, I thought I'd read a little more about the state of Alabama to see if there are exceptions to the stereotypes outlined by the immortal John Cleese.

I figured .....nope!

see below

http://www.thingstodo.com/states/AL/events/index.htm

Cheers

Ashus [smiley=toff.gif] [smiley=toff.gif] [smiley=toff.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif]


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## clived (May 6, 2002)

Nismodreamin said:


> that has to be the dumbest and most humorless thing I have ever read.
> thank you, that is all.


And who said American's don't have a sense of humo(u)r? ;-)


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## mighTy Tee (Jul 10, 2002)

clived said:


> Nismodreamin said:
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> > that has to be the dumbest and most humorless thing I have ever read.
> ...


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## silkman (Jul 29, 2004)

I first saw this at the previous US elections (2000) with Florida being undecided for a couple of weeks or so.

So it's funny, but old 8)


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## elliot (Mar 2, 2005)

LOL... made me giggle.. cannot beat the old ones!

e


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

I remember hearing about this, but never actually read it before. Well i found it funny 

Also reminds me of a American girl i went out with once. She was over here doing some voluntary work. Taking a year off from school (UNI). Studying to be a physiotheripist.

Well anyway one weekend she had planned to go to Amsterdam to meet up with a friend. so i said the usual have a nice time etc see you when you get back.

She gets back i ask her if she had a nice time and she says "IT was o.k. but i kept getting lost which was annoying, All the signs were in Dutch" I said well you was in Holland. she then says "But i thought they would have the signs in Dutch and English like they do in Cali with the Spanish and English meaning". I laughed which annoyed her and said look why would they put signs up in English when they are dutch she then thought about it and replied " Gee i really am a dumb American, Now i know why you guys over here take the piss out of us"


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## PaulS (Jun 15, 2002)

Nismodreamin said:


> that has to be the dumbest and most humorless thing I have ever read.
> thank you, that is all.


 :lol:

thus proving the point in paragraph 4 :



> ...American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness


Very funny JCs article.

Whilst were at it, can I suggest that the puny 110v grid system (and those toy set plugs) be upgraded to a proper 240v system, with sturdy 3 pin plugs. Low definition 525 line TV (with low definition programs ) can go as well to be replaced with 625 PAL as minimum. Jerry Springer will be replaced by Parkinson. Houses are to be built from bricks and mortar, not wood. And put proper door handles on the doors, with seperate levers and locks, instead of those flimsy knob things with built in keys. All gangsta rap crappers with their tales of the the projects and the hood (whatever they are) and their baseball caps will be banned. You can listen to Lesley Garrett instead (Iggy Pop will be allowed, though) And finally, you do not need huge V8 engined gas guzzlers to travel 2 blocks to the supermarket. You will walk instead. (Chevrolet V8s are exempt :wink: )


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

You'd think, however, that he'd at least get some facts right.

The correct ENGLISH spelling of Organise (and other words with this suffix)is with a Z.

Though it is definitely a Zed and not a Zee.


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## bigrich (Feb 20, 2004)

C'mon now guys the yanks do have a sense of humour we all know that....

Have you seen what the average yank wears?


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)




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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

sod it that deserves its own thread


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


> Also reminds me of a American girl i went out with once. She was over here doing some voluntary work


was the voluntary work going out with you :wink: :lol: :lol:


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


> genocidalduck said:
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B'stardo ......... She was looking after special needs kids [smiley=bigcry.gif] I thought she loved me


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


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so i was right then :wink: :lol:


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


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Thanks MATE i'm now heartbroken i thought she truly loved me, now youve made me realise it was just pity [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=behead2.gif]


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


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sorry but it may not have been pity could have been part of her course


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


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Your being a harsh b'stard tonight :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


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stuck at work friday and saterday night going to be a nice weekend and il be in bed all day if im going to suffer im not doing it on my own :wink:


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

:lol: :lol: I got another day off tomorrow........ Hopefully a good days cricket........But i have got work Sunday morning!


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


> :lol: :lol: I got another day off tomorrow........ Hopefully a good days cricket........But i have got work Sunday morning!


i will think of you as i drag my body in to bed [smiley=sleeping.gif] on sunday morning


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


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You better not be thinking off me when you drag yourself into bed :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


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(said in a camp) voice dosnt mean to say im not a nice person :-*


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


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 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


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 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thats a point you entered the concourse thing at Gaydon who won? i still dont know.


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

davidg i was 2nd it was a fix i was robbed saw dave buying the judges beer and pies all saterday night but didnt know they were the judges untill it was to late for me to get the beer and pies it :lol: :lol:


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

YELLOW_TT said:


> davidg i was 2nd in was a fix i was robbed saw dave buying the judges beer and pies all saterday night but didnt know they were the judges untill it was to late for me to get the beer and pies it :lol: :lol:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: I think you should of won that jsut by your wheels, i actually think i got sunburnt when i was looking at them! Very nice! However knowing what i know now and knowing your a B'stard  :wink: I wish i had gone through with my cunning plan of stealing them


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

genocidalduck said:


> YELLOW_TT said:
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> > davidg i was 2nd in was a fix i was robbed saw dave buying the judges beer and pies all saterday night but didnt know they were the judges untill it was to late for me to get the beer and pies it :lol: :lol:
> ...


it would save me having to clean them


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## genocidalduck (May 19, 2005)

:lol: :lol:


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