# The TTotal Honourary Joke forum



## Guest

In honour of Johnny's outstanding forum contribution to the joy of humour...

here are links to his most recent contributions.....

33 Xmas Tips

The Christmas Tree Myth

A Snappy one

cheers m8


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## pgtt

have they made him a moderator yet? :


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## vlastan

Nice!!! Now we can have adult jokes here too!! ;D


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## TTotal

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out
of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin
goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a
penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the
spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little
flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station
and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up
from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no,"
the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

Thanks guys ! Mr P.N. Guin


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## TTotal

Subject: Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan When they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the
female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes
at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon
however,the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going
to get
away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before
they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming
reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job,
but
I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
===================================================== 
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So
360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you
wonder why the ocean is so salty...


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## nutts

I think we'd been thru this one before and I worked out that equates to 1 ton of sperm........ :


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## TTotal

Blimey,

They start complaining already after the very first one !

Sorry meant to run that thru Waffleseed 1st.


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## ccc

Just keep 'em coming - you made me laugh! ;D ;D

And get that penguin back: I miss him!


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## nutts

> Blimey,
> 
> They start complaining already after the very first one !
> 
> Sorry meant to run that thru Waffleseed 1st.


Johnny boy, would I complain?

I was merely pointing out that had done some research into Whale sperm previously...... ;D


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## nutts

> .... keep 'em coming


Whale sperm.... boom boom! ;D


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## TTotal

> Whale sperm.... Â boom boom! ;D


Boom Boom = Bang Bang !

What a wonderful feeling of freedom all of a sudden I can say what the fuc* I like Whoopee !


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## ccc

Whale sperm.... boom boom!

Oh groooooooaaaaaan! Should have seen that one, er, coming! I thought there might have been something about whale sperm/sperm whales, but just walked right into it. Oh no, not again. ;D I think I'll quit now.


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## ccc

And welcome back Linux!!


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## TTotal

T'was the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits.
They want the impossible--those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo's--NO request for them.
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Sorry guys...I'm back !


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## TTotal

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have NOT been retouched or corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.) Too precious!!!!

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off..

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears..

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals..

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah..
6. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

8. The seventh amendment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
9. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol..
10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him..
11. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times..
12. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines..
13. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta..
14. When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager..
15. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption..
16. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
17. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the deadand managed to get the tombstone off the entrance..
18. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
19. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
20. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..
21. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,which is another name for marriage.
22. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

:


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## PaulS

LOL!



> ...... Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has....


I could think of a replacement name for Vixen Â : Â


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## TTotal

Noah was busy getting his Ark ready for the maiden voyage.
He starts filling the vessel with Carp, millions of them, then builds a floor above and fills that with Carp too.
Once thats full he sets too and constructs another level and fills it with Carp and another and another untill he has the Ark absolutley chocker with 12 storeys of Carp fish and is ready to cast off. Suddenly a voice from above...its God.

"Noah, what are you doing ? Why are you taking just fish in your ship ?"

Says Noah " Well I just wanted to have the first multi level Carp Ark "!

;D


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## TTotal

> LOL!
> 
> I could think of a replacement name for Vixen Â : Â


yeh, and its starts the same,"V" IIRC !!!?!!!

Dont worry he's away on hols so we wont get ponced on !


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## Guest

good stuff... ;D ;D


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## TTotal

They can't stop me now ha ha ha !

No one can stop me now

NO ONE WILL EVER STOP

THE ......JokemeisTTer !

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


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## Guest

> THE ......JokemeisTTer Â !


These aren't jokes. They are utter shite.


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## Guest

> These aren't jokes. They are utter shite.


SPEAK TO THE


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## TTotal

> These aren't jokes. They are utter shite.


Hey Mr Shuffle-Bottom, feck off this is my Joke forum, well spotted they are supposed to be shite . Mensa must be proud of you ;D


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## TTotal

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel. 
"Your Holiness," said one of the cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good
idea, but he had never even held a golf club in his hand before.

"Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against
the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added,
"There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin
Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit
of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed that it was a great idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honoured and agreed to play. 
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your
Holiness," said the famous senior golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked. "Yes", Nicklaus sighed. "I lost
to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."


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## TTotal

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I
Want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
Dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."


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## TTotal

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told
her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her,
"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not
legal." 
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." 
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the
Counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to
Sell your car anymore." 
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. 
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde,
"Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it."


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## TTotal

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I
get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts
back,
"You are on the other side."


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## TTotal

NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks.
One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that
they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.


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## TTotal

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what
had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and 
the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear." 
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!"


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## TTotal

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe 
really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went 
home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her 
tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still 
nothing happened. 
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, 
"What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had 
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. 
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the
Windows first!"


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## TTotal

CHINESE PROVERBS 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who run in front of car get tired. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who run behind car get exhausted. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 
*! ~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man with one chopstick go hungry. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 
*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 
&! nb! sp; *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Crowded elevator smell different to midget. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


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## TTotal

>
> Stop Snoring
>
> A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't
sleep,
> his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
> tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
>
> A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,
unable
> to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it
> around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The
> woman is amazed!
>
> Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
> buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
> The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the
> closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's
> testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
>
> The woman sleeps very soundly.
> The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
> He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the
> toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
> privates.
>
> He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a
> red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
>
> He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
> "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got
first
> and second place!"


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## TTotal

The Efficiency Expert
>
> An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
> "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
>
> "Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
>
> "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.
> "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets,
> often carrying a single item at a time.
>
> One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at
> once?'
>
> "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
>
> "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to
make
> dinner.
> Now I do it in ten..."


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## TTotal

Sports commentators: at their best!
----------------------------------

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ rugby commentator)

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it
was
amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's
substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in
Seville, 1992)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and
flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and
give
the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical"
(Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of
themserious"
(Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again"
(Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership,
but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it allover
their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of
the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at
1500 metres."
(David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."
(Metro Radio)

" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even
longer."
(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in
football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing
his
class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before
each tee-shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them........... Oh my God, what have
I
just said?"
(US TV commentator)


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## TTotal

Subject: a quick marriage 
A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each 
other. He tells her that it's fine ... they can learn about each other as they go along. She consents, they marry ... then leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort. 
One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife.After a few more 
demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel. 
Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!" 
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." 
The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel, 
hardly out of breath. 
Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer ?" 
"No," she answers. "I was a hooker in Laredo, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."


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## TTotal

Subject: Potato planting time
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the
BODIES. Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the
circumstances Love Bubba.


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## TTotal

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on the evening he wakes up in inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down".


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## TTotal

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom any time. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately
goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no
known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese
doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian
VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we
can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican
docta,always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall
off by itself! You save money


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## TTotal

> A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several 
> weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls 
> a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
> insemination. 
> The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
> wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when
> the
> sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around
> and
> instead, will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. 
> The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
> that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he
> loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has
> sex
> with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. 
> Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
> all 
> still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
> loads 
> them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each 
> sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed. 
> Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
> One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
> them
> out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning
> home, falls listlessly into bed. 
> The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
> the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
> lying
> in the grass. 
> "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is
> beeping the horn


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## A3DFU

Pardon me for intruding YOUR forum, TTotal :-/

please keep the jokes coming in: some really have me in stitches ;D ;D


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