# Viz Letters



## jampott (Sep 6, 2003)

'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,'Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time.

Well, I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man In the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.

S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre

I have recently started to [email protected]@te whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a [email protected] What do your readers think?

D Barclay

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

'One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing [email protected]@rds.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School [email protected] that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'.
I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the [email protected] quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great [email protected] Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London


----------



## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

:lol: :lol: :lol: viz top class


----------



## L7 (Aug 27, 2004)

:lol: absolute class


----------



## Justman (Sep 18, 2003)

All quality You can't beat a read of Viz! :lol:

"Stop taking the piss!" I said to my son recently. We both had to laugh as he is a doctor and was taking a urine sample from me for some tests. The laughter soon faded when the results came back and he informed me that I'll be dead in 6 months

Mrs Vera Fonzworth
Warrington

Sadly, I recently lost my job and was forced to downsize my property for a small terraced house. Never one to loose heart, and always one to make new friends, I made sure I got off to a good start with my new neighbours and held a party the very night I moved in. However, even though the party went on well into the early hours, giving evryone an opportunity to pop round, not a single one of my miserable new neighbours showed up to welcome me to the area. This pattern was repeated on several occasions during the week; I held nice big inviting parties, but no neighbours came around to join in the fun.
Can you imagine, therefore my utter amazement when I awoke one morning to be informed by the local councillor that I am the one to receive an Anti-social Behaviour Order, and not my party shy neighbours!

John Anderson 
Email

Midgets do go on, don't they? But for all their whingeing, they conveniently ignore the fact that they are able to fly abroad in cheap economy seats, in which they enjoy all the legroom benefits a normal sized person has to buy a first class ticket to experience. As someone who flies often, the whole situation disgusts me.

C Lindberg
USA


----------

