# Prepare to groan...



## Stiff

When the pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down. 
He said "Its not been the same since Carol Vordermen left" ...


----------



## ZephyR2

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## j8keith

Groan :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## John-H

Oh dear! :lol:


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## SPECSMAN

Groan, but it's a new one, to me at least. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Roller Skate

You've got a day job, right?

I did laugh though.


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## Stiff

Roller Skate said:


> You've got a day job, right?


 Well... it's only part time but I guess I'd best stick with it for the time being :lol:


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## Stiff

Woke up the yesterday morning at 6am with a wicked hang over, listening to the neighbour mowing his bloody lawn. First reaction was to get up and throttle the bugger, then I thought...
... sod it, he'll just have to mow around me.


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## Stiff

Interviewer "describe yourself in three words".
Me "lazy"


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## Stiff

There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
I might go if I've got nothing on.


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## John-H

:lol:


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## Stiff

I have emotional constipation.
I haven't given a shit for two weeks now.


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> I have emotional constipation.
> I haven't given a shit for two weeks now.


Like it! That's my new catchphrase!

8)


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## ZephyR2

Some chucklesome contributions there Stiff.


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## Stiff

Most are usually stolen off my younger brothers fb page. His jokes really are groan worthy but they do bring a smile. 

He went to the doctors today as he thinks he's addicted to crosswords. The doctor just told him not to get two down.


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## Steve2017TTS

Man to boss - "I won't be in work today - I have broken my motivation"


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## SPECSMAN

Steve2017TTS said:


> Man to boss - "I won't be in work today - I have broken my motivation"


Reminds me of the bloke that had a fortnight off, with a broken flask. 

8)


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## Stiff

Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.


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## Steve2017TTS

Stiff said:


> Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.


That's a very big groan!!


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## Stiff

I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.


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## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.


You really need to get out more :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
> I might go if I've got nothing on.


I can't ...


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## j8keith

Roller Skate said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
> I might go if I've got nothing on.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can't ...
Click to expand...

You should pick up your surfboard, dragging it damages the fin. :lol:


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## Roller Skate

j8keith said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
> I might go if I've got nothing on.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can't ...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> You should pick up your surfboard, dragging it damages the fin. :lol:
Click to expand...

Damn. I was going to say it was the stick up my arse.


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## ZephyR2

j8keith said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
> I might go if I've got nothing on.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I can't ...
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> You should pick up your surfboard, dragging it damages the fin. :lol:
Click to expand...

 :lol: :lol:


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## Stiff

How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb ?
Lobster.


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## Steve2017TTS

Stiff said:


> How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb ?
> Lobster.


I thought it was Salmon


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## j8keith

Stiff said:


> How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb ?
> Lobster.


That is shocking :lol: :lol:


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## Steve2017TTS

j8keith said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb ?
> Lobster.
> 
> 
> 
> That is shocking :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

It would be - if you used a wet Lobster!


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## j8keith

Steve2017TTS said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb ?
> Lobster.
> 
> 
> 
> That is shocking :lol: :lol:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> It would be - if you used a wet Lobster!
Click to expand...

 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Stiff

Or an electric eel


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## Roller Skate

Or a big black vibrating rubber fist plugged into the mains while you lay facedown in the bath.


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## Stiff

There's always one that drags the thread down. :lol:


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## Stiff

I was browsing through a copy of What Car? magazine.
As it turns out, it's not full of photos of people that have been run over.


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## Stiff

Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians.


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## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians.


Available at the local Buns-R-Us.


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians.


Please tell me you have a day job Stiff. :lol:


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## j8keith

Roller Skate said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians.
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell me you have a day job Stiff. :lol:
Click to expand...

He has, he is a "Groanologist"


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## Stiff

Roller Skate said:


> Please tell me you have a day job Stiff. :lol:


I do. I work for the DNA (National Dyslexic Assosiation)


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell me you have a day job Stiff. :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> I do. I work for the DNA (National Dyslexic Assosiation)
Click to expand...

You're dyslexic? Join the culb!


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell me you have a day job Stiff. :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> I do. I work for the DNA (National Dyslexic Assosiation)
Click to expand...

Old McDonald had a farm E, U, I, U, E.


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## Stiff

Careful of those dyslexic KKK members though.
They're going round killing gingers.


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## Stiff

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.


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## Stiff

There are two rules for success: 
1) Don't tell all you know.


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Careful of those dyslexic KKK members though.
> They're going round killing gingers.


Shouldn't be laughing really; my dyslexic mate died last night.

He had too much to drink; fell asleep on his back, and drowned on his own vimto.


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## ross_cj250

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2...but the real mystery is how they got in there!!!

Thank you and goodnight
Ross


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## Stiff

Why does it take a pre-menstrual woman 3 weeks to change a lightbulb?

It just F***ING DOES, ALRIGHT???!!!!!


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## ZephyR2

SPECSMAN said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell me you have a day job Stiff. :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> I do. I work for the DNA (National Dyslexic Assosiation)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> You're dyslexic? Join the culb!
Click to expand...

Always thought it cruel to label people who can't spell with a name that contains a Y and an X and is so hard to spell.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ZephyR2

BTW I suffer from CDO.

It's like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Stiff

These are the pills they prescribe for OCD...


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## Exuptoy

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Aaaarrrr! :roll:


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## Stiff

To err is human.

To arr is seriously pirate.


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## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> These are the pills they prescribe for OCD...


Brilliant  LOL

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SPECSMAN

Whats the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I'm not paying £200 to have a lentil on my face.  
8)


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## Stiff

Two prostitutes chatting in a bar after work , one says "I made £500 tonight , I feel like a bottle of Champaign." 
The other replies "I made £1,500, I feel like a bottle of PVA glue."


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## ZephyR2

Two prostitutes talking on the street. 
First one says "Do you smoke after having sex?"
The other replies "I don't know, I've never looked".


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## SPECSMAN

Two prostitutes, having a heart to heart....

So, when did you realise that you had been raped?

After the cheque bounced.


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## Stiff

Two prostitutes are walking down the street...
One turns to the other and says,
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies,
"No, but I've been swung around by the t1ts!"

(the old ones are the best)


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Two prostitutes chatting in a bar after work , one says "I made £500 tonight , I feel like a bottle of Champaign."
> The other replies "I made £1,500, I feel like a bottle of PVA glue."


Spot the dyslexic prostitute ...


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## Stiff

Roller Skate said:


> Spot the dyslexic prostitute ...


The one that opened up a warehouse. And gave Joe blobs. And cooked socks.

(Yes, I know it was the champers really but...







)


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> Spot the dyslexic prostitute ...
> 
> 
> 
> The one that opened up a warehouse. And gave Joe blobs. And cooked socks.
> 
> (Yes, I know it was the champers really but...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> )
Click to expand...

You're slacking ... pay attention to my OCD.


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## SPECSMAN

I couldn't find the thing that peels the potatoes.....

Then the kids reminded me.....

She left me a week ago.


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## j8keith

SPECSMAN said:


> I couldn't find the thing that peels the potatoes.....
> 
> Then the kids reminded me.....
> 
> She left me a week ago.


 :lol: :lol: :lol: Hope that she doesn't read this for your sake.


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## Stiff

I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.


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## Stiff

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."


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## Stiff

I went to see my friends new baby today. She asked me if I wanted to wind it. I thought, thats a bit harsh... so I just gave it a dead leg instead.


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## Stiff

I went out last night & drank 10 pints of yoghurt.
I was f**king mullered.


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## Roller Skate

Stiff said:


> Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
> Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
> Billy says, "In the car."
> Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."


I was once going to see a client in Reading and rang their office, this was before sat nav but I had a Nokia hands free kit in the car.
So, I rang his office and his secretary answered.

"Hello, I'm just coming down the M4, which is the best turn off for your office?" I asked.

"Are you in a car?" She asked to which I replied, "No, I'm running fucking fast".

Utter silence after that.


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## Stiff

Roller Skate said:


> I was once going to see a client in Reading and rang their office, this was before sat nav but I had a Nokia hands free kit in the car.
> So, I rang his office and his secretary answered.
> 
> "Hello, I'm just coming down the M4, which is the best turn off for your office?" I asked.
> 
> "Are you in a car?" She asked to which I replied, "No, I'm running fucking fast".
> 
> Utter silence after that.


 :lol:


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## ZephyR2

Roller Skate said:


> ........
> 
> "Are you in a car?" She asked to which I replied, "No, I'm running fucking fast".
> 
> Utter silence after that.


So it's not just me who can't resist using a bit of sarcasm against fools. Even if you usually think better of it straight after. 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Roller Skate

ZephyR2 said:


> Roller Skate said:
> 
> 
> 
> ........
> 
> "Are you in a car?" She asked to which I replied, "No, I'm running fucking fast".
> 
> Utter silence after that.
> 
> 
> 
> So it's not just me who can't resist using a bit of sarcasm against fools. Even if you usually think better of it straight after.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I never think better of it after. :lol:


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## Stiff

If anyone receives an e-mail from the World Health Organisation or Food and drug Agency instructing you not to eat canned pork products, please ignore it.

Its only SPAM


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## Stiff

When we were kids, my sister always said she'd go down in history. On reflection, that's probably why she got such good marks.


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## Sticks

If I had a pound for every time someone said I was OCD I'd have £28,371.

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he's got superhuman powers but because he can't get out of the bath.


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## Stiff

So I rang up British Telecom and said 'I want to report a nuisance caller' He said 'Not you again'


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## Stiff

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. 
Luckily I was the one facing the telly


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## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
> Luckily I was the one facing the telly


Have you ever found yourself facing the TV while you're making love? It seems to be impossible not to be distracted by what ever's on.

Although the wife does get annoyed if I start flicking though the channels with the remote.


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## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> Have you ever found yourself facing the TV while you're making love? It seems to be impossible not to be distracted by what ever's on.
> 
> Although the wife does get annoyed if I start flicking though the channels with the remote.


As do the staff at Currys too


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## SPECSMAN

After a bout of passionate sex, my wife burst into tears.

I suppose it could be considered cruel, to telephone and tell her.


----------



## Sticks

My wife says she always enjoys sex, whatever she's reading.

I was in the pub with my wife the other day and I said 'I love you'. She replied, 'is that just the beer talking?'. 
I said 'no, it's me talking, to the beer'.

It was my birthday and my wife said 'as it's your birthday, take me upstairs and do whatever you want'.
So I took her upstairs and went down the pub.


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## SPECSMAN

Sticks said:


> My wife says she always enjoys sex, whatever she's reading.
> 
> I was in the pub with my wife the other day and I said 'I love you'. She replied, 'is that just the beer talking?'.
> I said 'no, it's me talking, to the beer'.
> 
> It was my birthday and my wife said 'as it's your birthday, take me upstairs and do whatever you want'.
> So I took her upstairs and went down the pub.


Two out of three I haven't heard before. 

Very good.

8)


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## Stiff

My mate asked me if I could name the first three Meatloaf singles.
I could only get ..
'You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth' and 'Bat Out Of Hell'.
I suppose two out of three is quite good.


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## Stiff

I hate my boss.

There's a sign behind her desk that says 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps!'

Mind you, she's written it in her own sh1t...


----------



## SPECSMAN

The weather is a bit "R Kelly" at the moment.

Dipping into the teens.


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## Sticks

SPECSMAN said:


> Two out of three I haven't heard before.
> 
> Very good.
> 
> 8)


Two out of three were real life 

A man came into my shoe shop and said 'can I buy some red shoes?'

'Certainly sir' I replied, 'what size?'

'73'.

Bloody clown.

I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back."

He said, "Oh, that's lovely, what did it say?"

I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog."


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## Roller Skate

SPECSMAN said:


> The weather is a bit "R Kelly" at the moment.
> 
> It's pissing down.


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## SPECSMAN

I steadfastly refused to believe that I was both dyslexic AND gay.

I was in Daniel.


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## SPECSMAN

I went to a country and western concert, in Las Vegas.....

And all I got was this bloody tee-shirt.


----------



## SPECSMAN

I was sent to Mothercare.

I asked "do you sell maternity Bra's?"

The assistant replied "certainly Sir, what bust?"

"The condom."


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## Stiff

Insomnia is such a terrible thing to live with.

On the plus side, only 3 more sleeps until Christmas.


----------



## NickG

SPECSMAN said:


> Whats the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?
> 
> I'm not paying £200 to have a lentil on my face.
> 8)


What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your dick up a girls ass.


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## NickG

SPECSMAN said:


> I went to a country and western concert, in Las Vegas.....
> 
> And all I got was this bloody tee-shirt.


Meanwhile, in a parallel forum, a photoshopped picture of a dog skin rug causes bloody outrage! :lol:


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## SPECSMAN

So I got my stout boots on, waterproofs and a rucksack full of provisions.

Parked the car and just walked and walked.

Stopped to eat some sandwiches, shit, forgot the biscuits. Made a mental note to get some at the next village shop.

Got my flask out and had some lovely warm soup.

Stopped at the next village and sat on a lovely dry stone wall.

Christ, these boots are a little too stout, must get some more.

Flask out, more soup.....

Still no biscuits.....

Sorry, I'm rambling again.


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## Stiff

My wife woke up with a massive smile on her face this morning.

I love felt tip pens.


----------



## Stiff

If you get sent a link for constipation.com, dont go there.
I couldn't log out for hours.


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## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> If you get sent a link for constipation.com, dont go there.
> I couldn't log out for hours.


Reminds me of....

Did you hear about the badly constipated mathematician?

He used his pencil, to work it out in logs.

(logarithms, to younger readers!)

Well the thread is called prepared to groan, so I'm not getting me coat 

8)


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## Stiff

Little Red riding hood has been found by a member of the public, unconscious and in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition and the Air Ambulance is in attendance.

However, I must stress, she is not out of the woods yet.


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## Stiff

I was attacked by a group of mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to me.


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## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
> 
> They did unspeakable things to me.


Too good to be classed as a "groan" :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Roller Skate

j8keith said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
> 
> They did unspeakable things to me.
> 
> 
> 
> Too good to be classed as a "groan" :lol: :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

Agreed.


----------



## Stiff

Equality for dementia patients.
When do we want it?

Squirrel!


----------



## Stiff

Everyone is so interested in my dog as he can do magic tricks.
He's not a cross breed.
He's a Labracadabrador.


----------



## Stiff

My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row.


----------



## Stiff

Chinese takeaway - £15
Delivery charge - £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless.


----------



## SPECSMAN

I have just started selling John Lennon memorabilia, on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row.


Must be your returns policy.


----------



## ZephyR2

Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who's stabbed six people in the backside recently.
They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SPECSMAN

Kylie Minogue loves kebabs.

She gets them from "Jasons Donner Van"


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## SPECSMAN

A man has escaped from a mental hospital and made his way to a launderette. He then proceeded to rape all the ladies that were in there. He then made his escape.

The Sun Headline.......

"NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"


----------



## j8keith

SPECSMAN said:


> Kylie Minogue loves kebabs.
> 
> She gets them from "Jasons Donner Van"


That's because she likes to be neighbourly.


----------



## Stiff

SPECSMAN said:


> Kylie Minogue loves kebabs.
> 
> She gets them from "Jasons Donner Van"


That'll be this one then...


----------



## Stiff

I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day.

Soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.


----------



## Stiff

Had an argument with the mrs the other night. I was adamant I could build a car out of spaghetti. She said it was impossible.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.


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## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Had an argument with the mrs the other night. I was adamant I could build a car out of spaghetti. She said it was impossible.
> You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.


 :roll: :roll: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.


----------



## Stiff

Dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
whilst on his way to a toga party, dressed as a goat...


----------



## Stiff

I had a delivery of bubble wrap the other day. Said to the driver 'just pop it in the garage'.


----------



## Stiff

A man is walking through the forest and finds a suitcase with a fox and four cubs in it.
He rings the RSPCA to tell them.
"Oh dear, that's terrible" says the woman on the other end of the line. "Are they moving?"
"I don't know" replies the man "But if they are it would explain the suitcase".


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
> whilst on his way to a toga party, dressed as a goat...


Yes, he got drunk, fell asleep on his back, and drowned on his own vimto....


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> A man is walking through the forest and finds a suitcase with a fox and four cubs in it.
> He rings the RSPCA to tell them.
> "Oh dear, that's terrible" says the woman on the other end of the line. "Are they moving?"
> "I don't know" replies the man "But if they are it would explain the suitcase".


PWWAAAHHHH :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

My visual hallucinations are getting worse.
But at least now I'm seeing a doctor.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> My visual hallucinations are getting worse.
> But at least now I'm seeing a doctor.


But witch doctor :lol:


----------



## Stiff




----------



## ZephyR2

Doctor Who?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Stiff

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.

"You dozy f%cking tw^t" I shouted, through gritted teeth.


----------



## Stiff

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit.

We're going to go on a date next week.


----------



## Stiff

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.

So he gave me a cushion to sit on.


----------



## Stiff

I've got a nice wig made from arse hair.
The trouble is it keeps blowing off.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.
> 
> So he gave me a cushion to sit on.


That was a bit below the mark :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night.
> 
> "You dozy f%cking tw^t" I shouted, through gritted teeth.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
Good work Stiff. Although you've got to wonder who comes up with jokes like the dried fruit one.


----------



## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> :lol: :lol: :lol:
> Good work Stiff. Although you've got to wonder who comes up with jokes like the dried fruit one.


There's some odd people out there


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> ZephyR2 said:
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:
> Good work Stiff. Although you've got to wonder who comes up with jokes like the dried fruit one.
> 
> 
> 
> There's some odd people out there
Click to expand...

Off topic but how do you add the different smilies on your posts.

If it's difficult for a fossil like me, don't bother saying!

I loved the one for "I'll get me coat"

8)


----------



## Stiff

It's magic


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> It's magic


Very funny Reynard!

Now spill the beans!!

8)


----------



## Stiff

It's just using smileys from elsewhere rather than be restricted to the forum ones


----------



## Stiff

Jokes about White Sugar are rare. Jokes about Brown Sugar, Demerara.


----------



## Stiff

Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it's a success his next one will be about Kent.


----------



## Stiff

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.


----------



## Stiff

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".
So I started smiling.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> Jokes about White Sugar are rare. Jokes about Brown Sugar, Demerara.


I groaned.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> I groaned.


Me too. And I knew what was coming.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
> If it's a success his next one will be about Kent.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.


:lol:


----------



## SPECSMAN

Encore.... more...more.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[smiley=sunny.gif]


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> It's just using smileys from elsewhere rather than be restricted to the forum ones


I'm finding this very easy to do.



Not!

8)

EDIT: Bloody hell, it worked!


----------



## Stiff

SPECSMAN said:


> I'm finding this very easy to do.
> 
> 
> 
> Not!
> 
> 8)
> 
> EDIT: Bloody hell, it worked!


----------



## Stiff

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Should have put it on aloha setting.


----------



## Stiff

What has 2 wings & 1 arrow?

A chinese telephone.


----------



## Stiff

I've just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman.

He was wearing a cat flap.


----------



## Stiff

(A bit of an old one but, meh...)

A man bursts into the bedroom holding a duck..

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.

"This is the pig I fu*k when you've got a headache!" he screams.

"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.

He tells her, "I was talking to the duck"


----------



## SPECSMAN

Anyone know any good books?.......

"I Will Jump!" by Eileen Dover

"Tiger In My Bed" by Claude Balls

I'll groan for you, in advance!

8)

"Rusty Bedsprings" by I P Freely


----------



## Stiff

SPECSMAN said:


> "I Will Jump!" by Eileen Dover


I think I read her cousins book "Over The Cliff" by Hugo First.


----------



## Stiff

This is a good read too "Outer Space" by A. Leanne.


----------



## SPECSMAN

"The Bean Diet" by Ivor Windybottom

"The Russian Casanova" by Leon Yerbakyabitch

"How To Perform Punjabi Karaoke" by Gerrupta Singh

"My Life As A Scottish Cloakroom Attendant" by Angus McOotup

"I Was The Asian Elvis Presley" by Amal Shukup

I don't intend giving my day job up just yet.


----------



## Stiff

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... I yelled, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"
Both of them ran away.


----------



## SPECSMAN

The doc was having a go at me about my weight and other issues.

"You really must try to lose some body fat, what's the lightest you've ever been?"

"Five pounds, eight ounces."

"Have you had your eyes checked recently?"

"No, they've always been blue."

He pointed to a beaker, on the shelf behind him; "Can you give me a urine sample in there?"

"Not from here."

"My records show that you have not been to the surgery for nearly seven years, why is that."

"I've been ill."

[smiley=thumbsdown.gif]


----------



## Graham H

Hi specsman keep them coming I do like a good joke :wink:  cheers Graham H


----------



## SPECSMAN

Graham H said:


> Hi specsman keep them coming I do like a good joke :wink:  cheers Graham H


Thanks for the praise. I will keep them coming. Don't know about "good" though. I was aiming for a "groan"! 

8)


----------



## SPECSMAN

You know you're getting old when......

You have dry dreams and wet farts.

You still chase the girls, but can't remember what to do if you catch one.

What the difference between ..........

A peeping tom and a thief?

A thief snatches watches.

A bad marksman and a constipated owl?

A bad marksman shoots but can't hit.

A barrow boy and a sausage dog?

A barrow boy bawls his wares on the pavement.

The "Beano" has a lot to answer for!

8)


----------



## Stiff

I was doing a crossword - I asked the wife 'What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends with UNT?

She replied 'Aunt'

I said, 'Pass the Tippex will you?'


----------



## ZephyR2

Excuse me! This is supposed to be the Groan section. I actually Chuckled at that one.

Which reminds me ...
I'd been struggling with a crossword trying to find a word for 2 weeks.

Finally I got it .......
Fortnight.

Now that is a Groan.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Stiff

I decided to surprise my wife with some new sexy lingerie, perfume and expensive make up.
She just thought I looked gay.


----------



## Stiff

I've just seen two Police Officers lying next to a See Saw.

They must have been tipped off.


----------



## Stiff

Mick and paddy were on a plane.

Halfway through the flight, Mick said,"if this plane were to turn upside down do you think we'd fall out?".

Paddy says,"nah, we'd still be mates"


----------



## Stiff

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.


----------



## SPECSMAN

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


----------



## Stiff

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot


----------



## ZephyR2

Somebody told me that nothing rhymes with orange. But they're wrong, it doesn't. :?


----------



## Stiff

Sean, son of Worzel Gummidge actor Jon has accused comedian Steve Cougan of rape.
Police have said they will fully investigate the alleged Partridge in a Pertwee.


----------



## Stiff

I really don't buy all the hype about Chuck Norris being such a badass......

I mean, here I am talking shit about him, you would think the way people
play him up that he would just magically appear and start smashing my
head into the [email protected]#%#$%^FHGED%$##@$%D^&HFJ##^&&#@@


----------



## Stiff

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop. Come in and have a rook."


----------



## Stiff

An Egyptian pyramid has been discovered that has revealed a tomb of a ruler that was covered in nuts and chocolate.
He's believed to be Pharoah Rocher.


----------



## Stiff

^ There's also a car park there with a sign outside saying
"*Just toot and come in*"


----------



## John-H

A man goes into a sweet shop and says, "Can I have a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps please?"
The shop assistant says, "I'm sorry, we've only got plane."


----------



## John-H

The same man goes into a pet shop and says, "I've come to buy a wasp."
The pet shop owner says, "We don't sell wasps."
The man says, "Well, you had one in your window yesterday!"


----------



## Stiff

The same man then walked into a dentist and said "I think I'm a moth." 
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist." 
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist." 
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" 
The guy says, "...Your light was on."


----------



## John-H

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was only gathering dust.


----------



## SPECSMAN

John-H said:


> I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was only gathering dust.


Tim Vine got joke of the year for that one.

Doesn't seem right to put it in the 'Prepare to groan' section.

Velcro; what a rip off!

8)


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stevie Wonder was performing in China; the venue was spectacular and he was going down a storm.

There was a break in the music and Stevie asked the audience to shout their request for the next song.

Above the volume of the shouting they heard a little man shouting "Jazz Chord" ..... "Jazz Chord!"

Stevie announces "This man knows my guilty secret; I love jazz, and for the first time you can hear a set we have been working on, live for the very first time".

Stevie and his fantastic orchestra launches into ten minutes of the best syncopated jazz ever performed on stage.

The crowd is going wild at this departure from the set play list, being performed just for them and so Stevie asks the audience if there are any more requests.

Again the audience erupts but the same man is shouting "Jazz Chord ..... Jazz Chord!"

Confused, Stevie invites him up on stage....... "We have just played you our best jazz set, what do you want us to play?"

"Jazz Chord!" came the reply.

Stevie gave him a mike and said "You sing it and then we will join in with you!"

The man, a little overwhelmed being on stage in front of thousands of people, took a deep breath and belted out......

...............

...............

................

"I Jazz Chord, to say, I rubb you!"......

I'll get me coat


----------



## ZephyR2

John-H said:


> I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was only gathering dust.


 :lol: :lol: Very good.

My vacuum cleaner's rubbish. It sucks ! :roll: 
(now that is a groan).


----------



## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was only gathering dust.
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: :lol: Very good.
> 
> My vacuum cleaner's rubbish. It sucks ! :roll:
> (now that is a groan).
Click to expand...

Well you've cleaned up with those two jokes. I was blown away!



SPECSMAN said:


> Stevie Wonder was performing in China..................................


His wife bought him a cheese-grater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.


----------



## j8keith

ZephyR2 said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was only gathering dust.
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: :lol: Very good.
> 
> My vacuum cleaner's rubbish. It sucks ! :roll:
> (now that is a groan).
Click to expand...

My vacuum cleaner is called Henry


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> My vacuum cleaner is called Henry


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> My vacuum cleaner is called Henry
Click to expand...

 [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif] :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

My Mate's wife said he had OCD...

He soon put her in her place


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> My Mate's wife said he had OCD...
> 
> He soon put her in her place


Thirteen pages of "groan". It wouldn't hurt you all to have a look at my "Spoonerism" page! 

It's like casting pearls before swine, peasants! :wink:

I think I'll give up, buy the Beano, and lower my aim!  :lol:

Specsman 8)


----------



## Stiff

Will do 'smart feller'


----------



## Stiff

Which spice girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Which spice girl can hold the most petrol?
> 
> Geri can.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

..... Geri can. :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

I'm afraid they don't get any better...

Just watched a documentary about how ships are put together.

It was riveting.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I'm afraid they don't get any better...
> 
> Just watched a documentary about how ships are put together.
> 
> It was riveting.


You certainly are the anchor to this topic, almost a Titanic effort. :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> You certainly are the anchor to this topic, almost a Titanic effort. :lol: :lol: :lol:


I try not to make waves :lol:


----------



## Stiff

David Hasselhoff refers to himself as "the Hoff"

Must be less hassel.


----------



## John-H

Love the riveting joke :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

j8keith said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm afraid they don't get any better...
> 
> Just watched a documentary about how ships are put together.
> 
> It was riveting.
> 
> 
> 
> You certainly are the anchor to this topic, almost a Titanic effort. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

 :lol: Well, that went down well.


----------



## j8keith

ZephyR2 said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm afraid they don't get any better...
> 
> Just watched a documentary about how ships are put together.
> 
> It was riveting.
> 
> 
> 
> You certainly are the anchor to this topic, almost a Titanic effort. :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> :lol: Well, that went down well.
Click to expand...

I've got that sinking feeling.


----------



## Stiff

Use of the word 'Beefstew' as a password is not a good idea.

It's not Stroganoff.


----------



## Stiff

I just bought one of those singing laptops.

It's aDell.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I just bought one of those singing laptops.
> 
> It's aDell.


Groan, double groan :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

Yep ! They are real groaners.


----------



## Stiff

Inadvertently poisoned miself yesterday - have been admitted into hospital - and they are keeping me in...
What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. 
They say I should be out sometime in the Spring.


----------



## John-H

Why did Dr Who run away from the small onion? Because he thought it was a GALEK!


----------



## Stiff

Who is coolest person in the hospital?......

The ultra sound guy


----------



## mlfox

Didja hear 'bout the constipated Chinaman?

His name was...

HUNG CHOW


----------



## SPECSMAN

(With apologies to 3TT3; I only repeat them!)

Paddy went to visit his mate, Mick, who had broken his leg.

"How ya doin', Mick", asked Paddy

"Allroight, so I am, but you couldn't grab moi slippers from upstairs could ya?" replied Mick.

Paddy duly obliged; he wasn't sure which door it was, so he opened one to find Micks' two beautiful daughters, in their underwear, getting ready for a night on the town.

Quick as a flash, he said "Yer daddy sent me up to have sex with you two!"

They protested so Paddy shouted down the stairs; "Both of them Mick?"

Mick replied.....

"Of course both of them, whats the point of f*cking one!"


----------



## Stiff

Paddy says to Murphy "I robbed a shop last night and stole a load of pictures. The cheapest is worth Â£180,000"

Murphy replies "You daft bastard. You robbed the Estate Agents"


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Paddy says to Murphy "I robbed a shop last night and stole a load of pictures. The cheapest is worth Â£180,000"
> 
> Murphy replies "You daft bastard. You robbed the Estate Agents"


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## SPECSMAN

I was dating a girl with exotropia, but she was seeing someone else on the side.


----------



## SLine_Tom

Paddy and Micky are down on their luck and after some work. They are driving through a forest and see sign that reads 
"Tree fellers wanted !"

"Dammit" says Paddy " If only Murph was here"


----------



## SPECSMAN

How about the Irish girl that asked the doctor for some larger contraceptive pills.

"These keep falling out".


----------



## Stiff

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.


----------



## Stiff

I have just accidentally knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza.

Well, I say one...


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I have just accidentally knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza.
> 
> Well, I say one...


 :roll: :lol:


----------



## SPECSMAN

My Optician just informed me that I'm colour blind.

Well, that certainly came out of the orange.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> I have just accidentally knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza.
> 
> Well, I say one...


 :lol: :lol:


----------



## SPECSMAN

Times are hard for people with disabilities.

I know a dwarf who is finding it hard to put meals on the table.


----------



## Stiff

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."


----------



## Stiff

As I put another log on the fire last night, I thought,

"Really need to get that toilet fixed."


----------



## Stiff

I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
> 
> He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
> 
> I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
> 
> He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."


Are you sure that you didn't see the vet by mistake. :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> Are you sure that you didn't see the vet by mistake. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Good point...


----------



## Stiff

I wish my new girlfriend and I could try some different sex positions. 
But the last time I untied her, she almost got away.


----------



## Stiff

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.
I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.
> I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.


Fan belt, those were the good old days! None of this serpentine, multi groove, alternator belt nonsense.

Sorry, that's car related, we'll get kicked out for going off topic!
8)


----------



## Stiff

"Mummy, where do babies come from?"
"Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes"


----------



## Stiff

I'm going to go out this morning to find Will Smith.

Should be a lot easier in the snow, I'll just look for the fresh prints.


----------



## Stiff

Haven't seen the Michelin man in a while.

Maybe he's retyred.


----------



## Stiff

Just bought a dictionary today and just got it home to find out the pages are all blank...

....I have no words to describe how angry I am.


----------



## Stiff

My mate who had a stutter has just died in prison.

Just before he finished his sentence


----------



## Stiff

Must apologise to people on my facebook/Twitter who think I can't spell its just that I have sex daily.

Sorry, I meant dyslexia


----------



## Stiff

I saw this bloke earlier chatting up a cheetah.

I thought, ''F#ck me, he's trying to pull a fast one''.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Some good ones there some not so as well :lol: :wink:


----------



## John-H

I was going to ask if this was now the day job? Sorry if I'm to late. :wink:


----------



## Stiff

YELLOW_TT said:


> Some good ones there some not so as well :lol: :wink:


Diversity :wink:



John-H said:


> I was going to ask if this was now the day job? Sorry if I'm to late. :wink:


I don't think I'd make a very good living do you? :lol:


----------



## John-H

Probably better than me :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

:lol: :lol: Thanks Stiff some good ones there - esp the dyslexia one. :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Just been reading about a dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his sole to Santa


----------



## Stiff




----------



## John-H

YELLOW_TT said:


> Just been reading about a dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his sole to Santa


That's a cracker ......... joke!


----------



## Stiff

John-H said:


> YELLOW_TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> Just been reading about a dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his sole to Santa
> 
> 
> 
> That's a cracker ......... joke!
Click to expand...

Now *that's* groan worthy!


----------



## SLine_Tom

That's like the dyslexic insomniac that lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog.



Stiff said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> YELLOW_TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> Just been reading about a dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his sole to Santa
> 
> 
> 
> That's a cracker ......... joke!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Now *that's* groan worthy!
Click to expand...


----------



## Stiff

My girlfriend broke up with me after I stole her wheelchair...

but she'll come crawling back.


----------



## Stiff

I was sat on the end of the bed last night pulling my boxers off, when the wife said,
God, you spoil those dogs.


----------



## Stiff

My girlfriend left me because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don't worry... I'll return.


----------



## ZephyR2

Some real groans in there tonight 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Stiff

Sad news about the New Musical Express stopping print production.
I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, with American sitcom DVDs. 
Kept my Friends close - but my NMEs closer.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Sad news about the New Musical Express stopping print production.
> I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, with American sitcom DVDs.
> Kept my Friends close - but my NMEs closer.


Groan :lol:


----------



## Stiff

Premature ejaculator seeks blonde with massive ti....

Never mind.


----------



## Stiff

Got pulled up by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car.
"You're staggering." Said the officer.
"You're not bad looking yourself." I replied.


----------



## Stiff

A guy comes home from the Amazon with a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife. She asks "And what am I supposed to do with that?"
He replies "Teach it to cook, then f#ck off"


----------



## Stiff

My mate has just told me that his parents have gone on a 'Sex tourism' holiday to India.

"Mumbai?" I asked.

"Yes" he replied, "And I think my Dad is too..."


----------



## Stiff

Just had a call from my doctor said he has a cure for my dyslexia..

..thats music to my arse


----------



## Stiff

I've just started to read a horror novel in Braille, something bad is about to happen....
I can feel it.


----------



## Stiff

My wife gets really annoyed when I mess with her red wine, so I've added some fruit and lemonade to it.
Now she's sangria than ever.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> My wife gets really annoyed when I mess with her red wine, so I've added some fruit and lemonade to it.
> Now she's sangria than ever.


 :lol: :lol: Just getting into the spirit I see.


----------



## ZephyR2

".... sangria than ever"
Ha ha ha!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Stiff

I bought the Swingers version of Cluedo.
Apparently, they all did it.


----------



## Stiff

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.
Well I did. 
She stayed in the car and kept the engine running.


----------



## j8keith

:lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. 
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.


----------



## Stiff

Just finished reading 'Great Expectations'. 
Not as good as I thought it would be...


----------



## SPECSMAN

I met a beautiful girl down the park today.

The sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex, there and then.

God, I love my new Taser.


----------



## SPECSMAN

My budgie escaped from his cage this morning and [email protected] the cat.

If anyone is interested, I should have some kittens going cheep soon.


----------



## Stiff

My ex wife hated my obsession with horoscopes.

It Taurus apart


----------



## Stiff

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.

I said, "Let divorce be with you"


----------



## Stiff

I went to an OCD poker tournament last night.
I cleaned up.


----------



## Stiff

I'm starting a new job in Seoul next week.

I hope it's going to be a good Korea move.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> I'm starting a new job in Seoul next week.
> 
> I hope it's going to be a good Korea move.


Oh no ! :roll: Groan.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I'm starting a new job in Seoul next week.
> 
> I hope it's going to be a good Korea move.


 :roll: you really must get out more :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

Ha, yes, I agree. She won't let me though :lol:


----------



## Stiff

If I order all the 'Adam and the Ants' sheet music off Amazon do you think they'll throw in a free stand, and deliver?


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Ha, yes, I agree. She won't let me though :lol:


Tell her that you have got a Saturday job delivering papers.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Stiff said:


> If I order all the 'Adam and the Ants' sheet music off Amazon do you think they'll throw in a free stand, and deliver?


No more please no more  :lol:


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> Tell her that you have got a Saturday job delivering papers.


Tried that











YELLOW_TT said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> If I order all the 'Adam and the Ants' sheet music off Amazon do you think they'll throw in a free stand, and deliver?
> 
> 
> 
> No more please no more  :lol:
Click to expand...


----------



## Stiff

I was on my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. 
"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b#stards were trying to pull. 
Carlsberg.


----------



## Stiff

A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road & says "Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the end of it".


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I was on my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
> "Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the b#stards were trying to pull.
> Carlsberg.


Probably :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## YELLOW_TT

:lol:


----------



## j8keith

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
Very probably.


----------



## SPECSMAN

A whole City has vanished in Yorkshire.

Police are looking for Leeds.


----------



## ZephyR2

SPECSMAN said:


> A whole City has vanished in Yorkshire.
> 
> Police are looking for Leeds.


 [smiley=rifle.gif]


----------



## SwissJetPilot

Two blondes are on opposites side of a river. One yells, "How to you get to the other side?" The other replies "You're on the other side!"


----------



## j8keith

SwissJetPilot said:


> Two blondes are on opposites side of a river. One yells, "How to you get to the other side?" The other replies "You're on the other side!"


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## leopard

[smiley=jester.gif] Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels


----------



## SPECSMAN

Nothing from Stiff for a while; :? I hope he isn't (stiff, that is)

I saw an amusing car sticker today. It got me thinking about some of the funny ones I can recall.

In Tipton, written in Tiptoneese......

"If yow cor see my mirruz, I cor see yow!" (a bit regional, I know)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

On a kitchen fitters van, (occupants were of foreign origin)

"You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

But my favourite of all time, on the truck that came to empty our septic tank.....

"No stools are left in this vehicle overnight"

At my age, I shouldn't laugh as much as I did at that one!

Any more?

8) Specsman 8)


----------



## leopard

"You've tried the cowboys,now try the Indians"

Class


----------



## Stiff

Never tried Archery blindfold ?

You don't know what you're missing ...


----------



## Stiff

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support.

He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"

I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man"


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Never tried Archery blindfold ?
> 
> You don't know what you're missing ...


I believe that it is an arrowing experience


----------



## leopard

Stiff said:


> I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support.
> 
> He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"
> 
> I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man"


This getting down to the Mary Poppins level of groan with the bloke named Smith and his wooden leg lol


----------



## John-H

A carelessly fitted wooden leg can be a pain in the groan :wink:


----------



## j8keith

John-H said:


> A carelessly fitted wooden leg can be a pain in the groan :wink:


The groan section now has a splinter group.


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> A carelessly fitted wooden leg can be a pain in the groan :wink:
> 
> 
> 
> The groan section now has a splinter group.
Click to expand...

I'm knot sure if that's allowed.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> A carelessly fitted wooden leg can be a pain in the groan :wink:
> 
> 
> 
> The groan section now has a splinter group.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I'm knot sure if that's allowed.
Click to expand...

Sounds like its branching out. :roll:


----------



## SPECSMAN

Reminds me of my older dancing days.

I was twirling this lovely young lady around; I could swear she was getting taller. :?

Then she said, "Can we dance clockwise for a bit?, you're unscrewing my wooden leg".


----------



## Stiff

Which reminds me...
I bumped into my old mate Dave today. He's only got one arm, bless him.
"Where you off to?" I shouted.
I'm going to change a light bulb" he says.
I laughed and said "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it?"
"Not really" he says. "I've still got the receipt, you horrible bas7ard"


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Which reminds me...
> I bumped into my old mate Dave today. He's only got one arm, bless him.
> "Where you off to?" I shouted.
> I'm going to change a light bulb" he says.
> I laughed and said "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it?"
> "Not really" he says. "I've still got the receipt, you horrible bas7ard"


 :lol: :lol: very illuminating


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> :lol: :lol: very illuminating


Watt?


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: :lol: very illuminating
> 
> 
> 
> Watt?
Click to expand...

Do you not have an ohm to go back to ? or is the resistance to leave the pub too strong.


----------



## John-H

He must have been incandescent with rage. Even with one arm he could have lamped you one


----------



## SPECSMAN

Can anyone help me? I have asked countless people and no-one knows the answer to my query.

When texting/messaging etc. What does IDK stand for? :?


----------



## Stiff

SPECSMAN said:


> Can anyone help me? I have asked countless people and no-one knows the answer to my query.
> 
> When texting/messaging etc. What does IDK stand for? :?


'Integration Development Kit'. 
They obviously want you to mingle with them.


----------



## Tuscan12

SPECSMAN said:


> Can anyone help me? I have asked countless people and no-one knows the answer to my query.
> 
> When texting/messaging etc. What does IDK stand for? :?


I Don't Know


----------



## ZephyR2

Idiot Drowning Kit.


----------



## leopard

Imbrued Dirty Knickers


----------



## Stiff

I went seal clubbing yesterday.

You won't be hearing any live versions of "Kiss from a rose" for a while.


----------



## Stiff

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. 
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right." 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


----------



## Stiff

I bought some wicked strength lager earlier. On the label it says "Please drink responsibly."

Well, I've got my seat belt on..


----------



## SPECSMAN

Tuscan12 said:


> SPECSMAN said:
> 
> 
> 
> Can anyone help me? I have asked countless people and no-one knows the answer to my query.
> 
> When texting/messaging etc. What does IDK stand for? :?
> 
> 
> 
> I Don't Know
Click to expand...

Told you, even you don't know!


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Stiff said:


> I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
> She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
> I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


 :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

Funnily enough I said exactly that to the wife last night.

Err.... Visiting times are 2 - 3 pm and 7 - 8 pm.


----------



## Stiff

I had a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was terrible.

Just kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.


----------



## Stiff

Did you know Bonnie Tyler released a cardiology DVD? Me neither.

It's totally clips of the heart


----------



## Stiff

I've been working in a cats home but it hasn't been that busy lately, some people have been made redundant.
but I haven't. They've cut meowers down instead.


----------



## John-H

I sold my vacuum cleaner. It was only gathering dust.


----------



## leopard

I'll shut the window,it's raining :roll: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

Never mind cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks here yesterday. Fowl weather.


----------



## Stiff

Had a Ploughman's Lunch today...
He looked none to pleased


----------



## ZephyR2

Well don't make things worse by having the Shepherds pie.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

ZephyR2 said:


> Well don't make things worse by having the Shepherds pie.


FFS don't encourage him :lol:


----------



## Stiff

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my plant obsession.

I said "for f*ck sake petal, were did all this stem from" ?


----------



## Stiff

I was at the gym today and found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Long story short I'm now due in court and banned from the gym.


----------



## Stiff

The wife suggested we try a bit of role reversal tonight.

I thought, not again. Been there, done that, ironed the t-shirt...


----------



## John-H

When I was in America I thought it would be good to get into the culture. I went into a shop and a bloke said, 'Have a nice day' and I didn't so I sued him.


----------



## John-H

If you are being chased by a police dog, don't go down a tunnel, then over little see-saw and then jump through a ring of fire. Because they train for that.


----------



## John-H

We didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my grandfather when he died despite him drowning in a bowl of Cherios.


----------



## John-H

My nephew said he wanted to be an accountant, so I gave him a great big bag of receipts for his birthday. I said don't worry if you don't like them, I've kept all the presents.


----------



## John-H

I'll tell you what's a dangerous insect - it's that hepatitis bee.


----------



## John-H

I'll tell you where's a dangerous place to swim - it's that hepatitis sea.


----------



## Stiff

I had my hepatitis test today.

I did well. I got one A, two B's and a C!


----------



## Stiff

I called the child abuse hotline earlier.
A kid answered, called me a fat bas7ard and told me to f^ck off.


----------



## SPECSMAN

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.


----------



## Stiff

Looking forward to going to the Deodorant convention at the weekend.

ROLL ON Saturday!


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> Looking forward to going to the Deodorant convention at the weekend.
> 
> ROLL ON Saturday!


I asked for deodorant in a chemist once.

"The ball type?" asked the assistant.

"No, for my underarms."

"Cotton wool balls?"

"Do I look like a ragdoll?"

Anyone groaning yet?


----------



## ZephyR2

SPECSMAN said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> Looking forward to going to the Deodorant convention at the weekend.
> 
> ROLL ON Saturday!
> 
> 
> 
> I asked for deodorant in a chemist once.
> 
> "The ball type?" asked the assistant.
> 
> "No, for my underarms."
> 
> "Cotton wool balls?"
> 
> "Do I look like a ragdoll?"
> 
> Anyone groaning yet?
Click to expand...

They're getting worse mate. :lol:


----------



## Stiff

SPECSMAN said:


> I asked for deodorant in a chemist once.
> 
> "The ball type?" asked the assistant.
> 
> "No, for my underarms."


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Looking forward to going to the Deodorant convention at the weekend.
> 
> ROLL ON Saturday!


With all the "groanicals" the above has generated perhaps it would be wise to spray away.


----------



## Stiff

I went to the library today to get a book on Perpetual Motion. 
I found one in the Non-Friction section.


----------



## Stiff

I've been going to night school to improve my education and get a better job. I've now taken 4 'A' levels - my results were A B B A - so I'm hoping that an employer will take a chance on me.


----------



## Stiff

Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news.

They're making all the headlines.


----------



## Stiff

Talk about coincidence - BBC NEWS: Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition.

Can't believe they all had the same name.


----------



## Stiff

Whats the Difference between Red & Green ?

F#ck all apparently if you're on a bike.


----------



## Stiff

I was at a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages. 
I asked my mate if he wanted one. 
He said " No thanks mate, I'm Jewish." 
"Don't worry," I replied, "they're free."


----------



## Stiff

The first rule of Thesaurus club is don't talk about, mention, discuss, speak of or chat about Thesaurus club


----------



## Stiff

After being eliminated from the world cup, the Polish team and fans will arrive back in England later today.


----------



## ZephyR2

Ha ha ha


----------



## SPECSMAN

Sorry but the Jewish BBQ one is too funny for the groan thread! :lol:


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> After being eliminated from the world cup, the Polish team and fans will arrive back in England later today.


They're back got my wife's car washed this morning. :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

j8keith said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> After being eliminated from the world cup, the Polish team and fans will arrive back in England later today.
> 
> 
> 
> They're back got my wife's car washed this morning. :lol:
Click to expand...

  now that better be a joke :lol:


----------



## Stiff

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.

Although I have to admit, they do make me look a bit gay.


----------



## Stiff

My dad said you should always be up front with everyone.

Great bloke but a pretty sh1t goalkeeper.


----------



## Stiff

I went to see my doctor because I've started pouring fabric conditioner all over my food.
He said not to worry, it's just Comfort eating.


----------



## SLine_Tom

Stiff said:


> I went to see my doctor because I've started pouring fabric conditioner all over my food.
> He said not to worry, it's just Comfort eating.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

My friend asked me how long I'd been chopping wood for.
I told him I'd have to check my logs.


----------



## Stiff

Can anyone help me with the definition of "OPAQUE"? 
I've checked Google and Wikipedia and it's not clear.


----------



## Stiff

You can't spell 'advertisements' without semen between the tits.


----------



## Stiff

Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Two fish in a tank one says to the other how do you drive this thing


----------



## SPECSMAN

YELLOW_TT said:


> Two fish in a tank one says to the other how do you drive this thing


If you want to be that groan worthy........

Two parrots on a perch; one says, "Can you smell fish?"

Two snowmen.... one says "Can you smell carrots?"

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says "Does this taste funny to you?"

I'm here all week, unfortunately!



8)

ps. Two peanuts walking down the street; one was assaulted.


----------



## ZephyR2

So I went to the doctor the other day with a golf ball stuck up my bum. I said "can you get it out?"
He said "I don't know, its up a fairway".


----------



## Stiff

If I got 50p for every maths test I've failed I'd have about £9.20 by now.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> If I got 50p for every maths test I've failed I'd have about £9.20 by now.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> My dad said you should always be up front with everyone.
> 
> Great bloke but a pretty sh1t goalkeeper.


In a similar vein ( :roll: ) ....

As my old dad used to say, "The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more".

Great man, terrible anaesthetist.


----------



## SPECSMAN

My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday!"

Not the best postcard I've ever received.


----------



## SPECSMAN

So I said "If you're a landscape gardener, why can't you do mine?"

"Yours is portrait."


----------



## SPECSMAN

The old boy said to his grandson, "What do I do, to make this letter print on this computer?"

"Control - P."

"That's the problem then, I haven't been able to do that for years."


----------



## Stiff

I would like to thank all those people who explained the word "Many".....it means a lot.


----------



## SwissJetPilot

You don't really need a parachute to go skydiving. Unless you want to do it twice.


----------



## j8keith

SwissJetPilot said:


> You don't really need a parachute to go skydiving. Unless you want to do it twice.


Sound advice :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

SwissJetPilot said:


> You don't really need a parachute to go skydiving. Unless you want to do it twice.


I had to think about that for a minute :lol: 
It's my old age, doh!


----------



## ZephyR2

Parachute for sale - one previous owner. Never been opened, slightly stained.


----------



## ZephyR2

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up it could be worse," u could be stuck in a hole full of water"

I know he means well.


----------



## ZephyR2




----------



## Stiff

I've just bought some shoes off a drug dealer.
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.


----------



## Stiff

A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs.


----------



## SwissJetPilot

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


----------



## ZephyR2

Elvis Presley's coffin was made of Redwood and took 2 weeks to make.

Michael Jackson's was made of Oak and took a week to make.

Gene Pitney's? 24 hours from Balsa....


----------



## mlfox

Didja hear about the constipated chinaman?

His name was: HUNG CHOU

[smiley=bigcry.gif]


----------



## j8keith

ZephyR2 said:


> Elvis Presley's coffin was made of Redwood and took 2 weeks to make.
> 
> Michael Jackson's was made of Oak and took a week to make.
> 
> Gene Pitney's? 24 hours from Balsa....


 :roll: :roll: :roll:


----------



## Stiff

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.


I remember you man; you just stood at da back an' ting.


----------



## SPECSMAN

mlfox said:


> Didja hear about the constipated chinaman?
> 
> His name was: HUNG CHOU
> 
> [smiley=bigcry.gif]


The constipated *maths teacher worked it out, in logs, with his pencil. (ask your granddad about logs)

* US translation maths = math


----------



## ZephyR2

BREAKING NEWS: We are hearing that a cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the A628. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.


----------



## j8keith

ZephyR2 said:


> BREAKING NEWS: We are hearing that a cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the A628. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.


Sounds a set up to me.


----------



## SwissJetPilot

Tragic accident on the flight line. A young female pilot candidate backed into a rotating propeller. Disaster.


----------



## Stiff

I've got loads of pens in my lorry, but none of them work.

I've tried every Bic in the truck.


----------



## Stiff

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning. 
I don't know why, I just started filling up.


----------



## Stiff

How do you get a fat bird into bed? 
Piece of cake.


----------



## ZephyR2

Bill Gates was so impressed by Elon Musk that he thought about naming his son after him. 
But that might be stretching it ......


----------



## Stiff

I took me a minute but I got there in the end!


----------



## SPECSMAN

Stiff said:


> I took me a minute but I got there in the end!


The penny didn't drop for me for a while either!

Reminds me of when Brad Pitt named his son Shiloh.

Has this bloke never heard of spoonerisms?

8)


----------



## SLine_Tom

ZephyR2 said:


> Bill Gates was so impressed by Elon Musk that he thought about naming his son after him.
> But that might be stretching it ......


 +1 for taking a min to get it.


----------



## Stiff

Apparently, the inventor of throat lozenges has died. 
There will be no coffin at his funeral.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Stiff said:


> Apparently, the inventor of throat lozenges has died.
> There will be no coffin at his funeral.


Now that's a good one :lol:


----------



## SPECSMAN

Sinead O'Connor has offered to sing at Barry Chuckles' funeral.

She will perform, Nothing Compares 2 you, 2 me.


----------



## Stiff

My girlfriend would probably throw up if I told her I put ginger in the curry she's eating.
She loved that cat.


----------



## SPECSMAN

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye matey!"


----------



## Moonwatcher

YELLOW_TT said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> Apparently, the inventor of throat lozenges has died.
> There will be no coffin at his funeral.
> 
> 
> 
> Now that's a good one :lol:
Click to expand...

 :lol:


----------



## SPECSMAN

I asked the man in the pet shop, "Why do the parrots up there cost more than the ones nearer the floor?"

Apparently, it's because they are on higher perches.

Source: Beano 1973


----------



## Stiff

My dyslexic mate took it upon himself to join a poetry club to try and improve his condition. 
He's wrote f*ck all poetry yet, but made a nice vase and a coupe of jugs.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Stiff said:


> My dyslexic mate took it upon himself to join a poetry club to try and improve his condition.
> He's wrote f*ck all poetry yet, but made a nice vase and a coupe of jugs.


 :lol: :lol: getting better again


----------



## SPECSMAN

My son asked who I was watching on TV, "Lenny Henry", I replied.

"Never heard of him."

I was flabbergasted, and explained how he was massive when I was a kid.

So he asked again "What's the biggest thing he's been in?"

"Dawn French."


----------



## ZephyR2

I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and the lady on the other end asked where are you ringing from?

I told her from the waist down.


----------



## ZephyR2

I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne.....


----------



## j8keith

ZephyR2 said:


> I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne.....


Groan worthy :lol: :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

I see we are heading off back down hill :lol:


----------



## j8keith

YELLOW_TT said:


> I see we are heading off back down hill :lol:


Standards need to be maintained :lol:


----------



## Stiff

My neighbour knocked on the door last night, wearing nothing but a see through negligée, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me knowingly and asked to come in for a 'coffee'.

I said, "**** off, Dave..."


----------



## ZephyR2

You know, you never hear much mention of see through negligees these days. Was it just a 60s - 70s thing?


----------



## Stiff

I do remember them vaguely in the 80's. I could never see the point of them though. Either wear something or take the damn thing off. 
(Except Dave. Dave can keep his on. And put something over the top as well. And go home soon.)


----------



## SwissJetPilot

Two ships, one carrying red paint and one carrying blue paint, collided. All of the sailors were marooned.


----------



## Stiff

SwissJetPilot said:


> Two ships, one carrying red paint and one carrying blue paint, collided. All of the sailors were marooned.


Too good to be a 'groan'


----------



## Hoggy

Stiff said:


> My neighbour knocked on the door last night, wearing nothing but a see through negligée, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me knowingly and asked to come in for a 'coffee'.
> 
> I said, "**** off, Dave..."


 :lol: :lol: 
Hoggy.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> I do remember them vaguely in the 80's. I could never see the point of them though. Either wear something or take the damn thing off.


A bit like that pic of the guy wearing a hi-vis vest and camouflage pants - "Make your mind up, do you want to be seen or not." :lol:


----------



## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> I do remember them vaguely in the 80's. I could never see the point of them though. Either wear something or take the damn thing off.
> 
> 
> 
> A bit like that pic of the guy wearing a hi-vis vest and camouflage pants - "Make your mind up, do you want to be seen or not." :lol:
Click to expand...

Exactly! :lol:


----------



## SwissJetPilot

Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

- not that there's anything wrong with that! :roll:


----------



## ZephyR2

US prison electrician was fired for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap.


----------



## j8keith

ZephyR2 said:


> US prison electrician was fired for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap.


That is shocking, worth at least two groan stars though.


----------



## Stiff

That's twice I've cut a piece of wood now and it's _still_ too short. Grr.


----------



## Stiff

Unfortunately my very obese parrot has just died.
but it's a huge weight of my shoulders.


----------



## Stiff

Our budgie had to have all its teeth removed last year. All behind us now and he succeeds in life.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> Our budgie had to have all its teeth removed last year. All behind us now and he succeeds in life.


Groan :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

Someone asked me why I wanted 5 litres of Tippex

Big mistake....


----------



## Stiff

People are often shocked when they find out I'm not good with electrics.


----------



## John-H

Sending those to my daughter :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

:lol: :lol: defo stepping up the quality


----------



## Stiff

Any one who knows me knows I struggle with grammar and it's been getting to me lately as well, but my wife made me feel better last night.

She said "There their they're"


----------



## ZephyR2

Paddy gets a new job, while shopping he goes into a clock shop " Excuse me, do you have a potato clock? 
Assistant " a what sir." Paddy says " a potato clock " the assistant somewhat baffled says " I don't there is such a thing." " Well" says Paddy, " my new boss told me I start at 9, so I've got to get up at 8 o clock"


----------



## Stiff

Laziness is a dish best served delivered


----------



## Stiff

There's a brilliant programme on Channel 4 tonight about doggy-style sex. If you miss it, you can watch it on all 4s.


----------



## Stiff

Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins.

She's not nosy. Just shit at parking.


----------



## Stiff

I just found out сосk fighting is done with chickens.

That's 12 months of training gone to waste.


----------



## Stiff

I've recently joined my local boxing club and the trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said, "Use this, you won't look as gay"


----------



## Stiff

My wife said I was nosy, manipulative, sneaky and a control freak.
Well that's what it says in her diary.


----------



## ZephyR2

ROFL @ the skipping one.


----------



## Stiff

I was sat this morning drinking tea in my slippers thinking....
I really need some mugs.


----------



## Stiff

I walked past the fridge earlier and i thought i heard some onions singing bee gee's songs.
Then I opened the door and saw it was just the chives talking.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> I walked past the fridge earlier and i thought i heard some onions singing bee gee's songs.
> Then I opened the door and saw it was just the chives talking.


That's a tragedy.


----------



## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> I walked past the fridge earlier and i thought i heard some onions singing bee gee's songs.
> Then I opened the door and saw it was just the chives talking.
> 
> 
> 
> That's a tragedy.
Click to expand...

You win, again.


----------



## ZephyR2

My gran was tattooed all over with a map of Great Britain. Say what you like you knew where you were with her.


----------



## Stiff

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask


I'm in two minds about that.


----------



## Stiff

There is a film coming out soon about an American caravan.

I've just seen the trailer.


----------



## Stiff

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!!


----------



## Stiff

Glass coffins. Will they be popular?
Remains to be seen.


----------



## Stiff

My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how. I didn't even _know_ it was her birthday.


----------



## Stiff

I've started exercising by running up and down streets, knocking on all the doors.

I call it 'Jehovah's Fitness'.


----------



## Stiff

I've really had it with my dog. He'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
It's getting that drastic that I think I'll just confiscate his bike.


----------



## ZephyR2

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this&#8230;" it will usually smell nice.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

:lol: very true


----------



## Stiff

We're off to a 'Fancy Dress' party on Saturday. I'm going as a Rastafarian.
My Mrs is doing the make up & hair. She's said she's dreading it.


----------



## Stiff

I put up a high voltage electric fence up around my property at the weekend. My neighbour is dead against it.


----------



## John-H

I heard there was a big row at the hotel hosting the national chess tournament. Lots of arguments broke out in the entrance as soon as they opened the doors about who the best chess player was. Always happens this time of year - chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


----------



## John-H

There are two types of people: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data


----------



## SwissJetPilot

I forgot how to throw a boomerang the other day - then it came back to me.


----------



## ZephyR2

Just going to the loo in Wetherspoons .....


----------



## Stiff

My military bugle arrived off the internet yesterday.
It came in the last post.


----------



## Stiff

My neighbours daughter just had a baby girl and wanted to call her something original.
I suggested Werthers.


----------



## Stiff

My 7 year old son said his teacher told him I'm not a leading example of a decent parent. I told him to finish his pint and we'd go and have a word with the ****!


----------



## Stiff

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

I Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.


----------



## Stiff

My dad was just bragging about his new state of the art hearing aid. "Cost a fortune son. I can hear anything"

I said "That's great dad. What type is it?"

"Half past 2" he says. :roll:


----------



## John-H

Three old age pensioners: One says "It's windy today", the second says, "No, it's Thursday", the third says, "So am I. Let's have a cup of tea."


----------



## Stiff

In my teenage years, I dated a twin for awhile. My Mate asked me how I could tell them apart. 
It was not difficult. Rachel always painted her nails a deep red colour, and Dave had a cock.


----------



## John-H

I saw a man with a wooden leg holding onto a cash machine. I said "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm just checking my balance."


----------



## j8keith

John-H said:


> I saw a man with a wooden leg holding onto a cash machine. I said "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm just checking my balance."


Groan :lol:


----------



## ZephyR2

So, bad news for dyslexics. Your cocks go black this weekend.


----------



## Stiff

Heard today that when the guy who invented tupperware died, his funeral was delayed because they couldn't find the right lid for the coffin.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> Heard today that when the guy who invented tupperware died, his funeral was delayed because they couldn't find the right lid for the coffin.


But at least when they find it ..... he'll stay fresh for ages.


----------



## Stiff

Every single morning on the walk to work I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.


----------



## Stiff

The worst job I have ever had was working in a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.


----------



## Stiff

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Steven.


----------



## Stiff

I got the Mrs a French maid's costume to get her in the mood but it was a waste of time. 
The house is still a bloody tip.


----------



## Stiff

I accidentally kicked my dog today and it bit me on the bollocks. My mate said it's karma. I said no, if anything it's even more angry. :?


----------



## Stiff

I wanted to go and see the new Queen movie.

But I'm just a poor boy, from a poor family.


----------



## Stiff

The managing director of Dulux Paints has been found dead on top of Ben Nevis having suffered from severe Hypothermia. 

Doctors have said he could have done with another coat.


----------



## John-H

Stiff said:


> I wanted to go and see the new Queen movie.
> 
> But I'm just a poor boy, from a poor family.


Easy come easy go...


----------



## John-H

Stiff said:


> The managing director of Dulux Paints has been found dead on top of Ben Nevis having suffered from severe Hypothermia.
> 
> Doctors have said he could have done with another coat.


You'd think they could put a better gloss on that.


----------



## ZephyR2

John-H said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> The managing director of Dulux Paints has been found dead on top of Ben Nevis having suffered from severe Hypothermia.
> 
> Doctors have said he could have done with another coat.
> 
> 
> 
> You'd think they could put a better gloss on that.
Click to expand...

Was his name Matt ?


----------



## John-H

ZephyR2 said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> The managing director of Dulux Paints has been found dead on top of Ben Nevis having suffered from severe Hypothermia.
> 
> Doctors have said he could have done with another coat.
> 
> 
> 
> You'd think they could put a better gloss on that.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Was his name Matt ?
Click to expand...

You're walking on eggshells now.


----------



## Stiff

They thought at first it might have been a stroke. But they brushed it off in the end.


----------



## ZephyR2

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her .....


----------



## SwissJetPilot

I heard about a guy who was looking for his wife's killer for over two years. Seems no one was willing to do it.


----------



## John-H

Q: What are made off brass and sound like Tom Jones?

A: Trombones


----------



## Stiff

Any carpenters looking for work? Cabinet falling apart.

Address: 10 Downing street.


----------



## John-H

Like it :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

:lol:


----------



## Stiff

A friend of mine was run over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry and then another red lorry.

There was no easy way to tell his family.


----------



## Stiff

I started a business building Yachts in my loft.

Sails are through the roof already.


----------



## Stiff

I went to the shop to get 6 cans of sprite.

It wasn't until I got home I realised I picked 7 up.


----------



## Stiff

My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It's a small scale operation.


----------



## Stiff

I took my boy to see Father Christmas yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Father Christmas thought of him.


----------



## Stiff

Just back from my mates funeral,who drowned last week.
I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt, but as i told everyone at the service...

"It's what he would of wanted"


----------



## ZephyR2




----------



## Stiff

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.


----------



## Stiff

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.


----------



## Stiff

I'm learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But - I've got the ins and outs.


----------



## ZephyR2

I'm learning to dance but I'm only making slow progress. Its like 2 steps forwards and 1 step back. :roll:


----------



## Stiff

Very happy with all my presents except one. The 'Bohemian Rhapsody' DVD. I think it must be a badly ripped copy as the quality is terrible. I can only see a little silhouette of a man


----------



## John-H

A Swedish man walks into a chemist in Stockholm and says, "I want to buy some deodorant."

The chemist says, "Ball or aerosol?"

The man replies, "Neither, it is for my armpits."


----------



## SPECSMAN

I had a nasty incident with a stick-type deodorant.

I followed the instructions precisely.

"Remove cap and push up bottom"


----------



## Stiff

I don't know why people use odorless deodorant.
It makes no scents.
(OK, that was out of odour)


----------



## E.L.Wisty

I had a right go at the curry house over that creamy sea bird curry I had the other day.

Yes, I had a korma rant.


----------



## John-H

E.L.Wisty said:


> I had a right go at the curry house over that creamy sea bird curry I had the other day.
> 
> Yes, I had a korma rant.


For that you should be smothered with a pilau.


----------



## E.L.Wisty

I blame my Nan


----------



## Stiff

I'll tell you what often gets overlooked - garden fences.


----------



## Stiff

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.


----------



## SLine_Tom

Stiff said:


> 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.


I like that one


----------



## John-H

You could have midday is the best time on the clock to rob somebody hands up :roll:


----------



## ZephyR2

Ever noticed how there's always plenty of tarmac for speed bumps but never any for pot holes.


----------



## Stiff

My friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole today.
I guess that makes him a trip advisor.


----------



## YELLOW_TT

ZephyR2 said:


> Ever noticed how there's always plenty of tarmac for speed bumps but never any for pot holes.


----------



## Stiff

My pet chameleon can't change its colour.

It has a reptile dysfunction.


----------



## Stiff

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.


----------



## Stiff

My wife asked me if I was listening to her.

I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.


----------



## Hoggy

Stiff said:


> My wife asked me if I was listening to her.
> 
> I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.


 :lol: :lol: 
Hoggy.


----------



## ZephyR2

LOL. The version I heard started ....

"You haven't heard a single word I've said, have you?"


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Stiff said:


> My wife asked me if I was listening to her.
> 
> I thought that's a strange way to start a conversation.


 :lol: :lol: happens to me all the time


----------



## SwissJetPilot

The NASA Rover discovered what look like Kangaroo bones on the surface of the red planet.
They've named the mysterious creature a Mars-upial.


----------



## ZephyR2

The Chinese have discovered a tiny biting insect on the dark side of the moon. They're calling it a Luna-tick.


----------



## John-H

Good grief Charlie Brown :roll:


----------



## Stiff

My friend started a dating agency for chickens.

Unfortunately he had to shut it down as he was struggling to make hens meet.


----------



## Stiff

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.


----------



## Stiff

I've just started the Adam Ant Diet.
Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I've just started the Adam Ant Diet.
> Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.


 :lol: :lol: :lol: must be the cold weather effect on you..


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> :lol: :lol: :lol: must be the cold weather effect on you..


I've got my big coat on :lol:


----------



## Stiff

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. It turns out she's wrong because I told her to sit down and shut up.

And she couldn't do either.


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. It turns out she's wrong because I told her to sit down and shut up.
> 
> And she couldn't do either.


I think if your wife reads this you will need to put your big coat on and run :lol:


----------



## Stiff

j8keith said:


> I think if your wife reads this you will need to put your big coat on and run :lol:


She'll be too busy talking to have enough time to come up for air, let alone read anything on here but yes, good point.


----------



## SwissJetPilot

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. 
She still isn't talking to me.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. It turns out she's wrong because I told her to sit down and shut up.
> 
> And she couldn't do either.


Men don't multitask. They just do one thing at a time ...... but properly. :twisted:


----------



## j8keith

SwissJetPilot said:


> I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
> She still isn't talking to me.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

SwissJetPilot said:


> I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
> She still isn't talking to me.


Sounds like a plan :lol:


----------



## Stiff

I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.

They said that if my tents get blown away, I won't be covered.


----------



## Stiff

I came up with a new word yesterday.
Plagiarism.


----------



## Stiff

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## SwissJetPilot

My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. 
I told her to calm down. In 5-minutes it's just water under the fridge.


----------



## Stiff

My wife's leaving me because she thinks I'm obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on? :x


----------



## Stiff

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? 
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


----------



## Stiff

My wife says I have two faults.

I don't listen... and something else.


----------



## Stiff

My friend asked me "What's the best part about living in Switzerland?"

I said "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."


----------



## Stiff

I was shocked the other day when I thought I heard my girlfriend say she wanted to go and see The Monkees tribute band in Switzerland.

Then I saw her face - now I'm in Geneva.


----------



## Stiff

I told my doctor that all three of my sons want to be valets when they grow up.

He said it was the worst case of parking Son's disease he'd ever heard of.


----------



## Stiff

Just heard the sad news. The man who invented standardised pricing has died. RRP.


----------



## Stiff

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.


----------



## Stiff

Went to the best burger van ever today. It was that good, it has four Michelin Tyres.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> Went to the best burger van ever today. It was that good, it has four Michelin Tyres.


Hee hee. I think that's the best of the recent batch.


----------



## SLine_Tom

Stiff said:


> Just heard the sad news. The man who invented standardised pricing has died. RRP.


My best of the bunch.


----------



## SPECSMAN

My wife is leaving me, because of my obsession with horse racing.....

She's at the gate........and she's off!


----------



## John-H

When my grandad became seriously ill we smeared his back all over with grease. He went downhill very quickly after that.


----------



## SPECSMAN

Paddy's wife found him stark naked, in the barn, dry-humping his Massey Fergusson.

"WTF are you doing" she exclaimed.

"Well, you know you're not interested in the bedroom" he replied, I told Mick down the pub and he said "Do something sexy to attract her."

Well... it is called "Prepare to groan...."


----------



## Stiff

If I can give you one piece of advice from my life it would be, never ever date a tennis player.

I don't know why but it's like love means nothing to them.


----------



## Stiff

To whoever stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy.


----------



## Stiff

I asked my friend in North Korea what it's like there.
He said "I can't complain".


----------



## Stiff

I got a rejection letter from the University of Origami today.
I'm not sure what to make of it.


----------



## ZephyR2

Stiff said:


> I got a rejection letter from the University of Origami today.
> I'm not sure what to make of it.


Creased me that one.


----------



## Stiff

I've created an app similar to Tinder but for paleontologists.
It's called 'Carbon Dating'


----------



## Stiff

ZephyR2 said:


> Stiff said:
> 
> 
> 
> I got a rejection letter from the University of Origami today.
> I'm not sure what to make of it.
> 
> 
> 
> Creased me that one.
Click to expand...

That was tearable, lol


----------



## Stiff

I've often heard that'icy' is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.


----------



## Stiff

How many grammar nazi's does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too.


----------



## Stiff

I went to my first yodelling lesson last week.

The receptionist said "If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue".


----------



## ZephyR2

"Sorry" is the hardest word to say. Unless you're Chinese ........ in which case it's "Squirrel".


----------



## Stiff

Saw the worst mind reader ever last night...

Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card." 
Me: "OK" 
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind." 
Me: "OK" 
Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?" 
Me: "No" 
Mind reader: "Ace of spades?" 
Me: "No" 
Mind reader: "What is it then?" 
Me: "Happy Birthday"


----------



## John-H

Oh dear. How sad. Never mind. Lovely boy. :wink:

Although, I did like the orderly orderly queue one!


----------



## j8keith

Stiff said:


> I've often heard that'icy' is the easiest word to spell.
> Looking at it now, I see why.


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Stiff

I've just broken 2 of my old 'Queen' records.

Now I want to break 3.


----------



## ZephyR2

Definitely worth a groan that one. :roll:


----------



## Stiff

Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery; and why a man should want to marry more than one woman is a bigamistery.


----------



## ZephyR2

By marrying 2 women I've saved 2 men from the pain of marriage. Isn't that big of me.


----------



## SwissJetPilot

Two Irishmen are talking ...One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world! 
In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"


----------



## j8keith

SwissJetPilot said:


> Two Irishmen are talking ...One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world!
> In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"


That is definitely a three star groan :lol:


----------



## SwissJetPilot

Two unemployed Irishman walked past a lumber yard and noticed a help wanted sign that read "Tree Fellers Wanted". 
The one Irishman looked at the other and said, "'Tis shame it's just the two of us."


----------



## YELLOW_TT

SwissJetPilot said:


> Two unemployed Irishman walked past a lumber yard and noticed a help wanted sign that read "Tree Fellers Wanted".
> The one Irishman looked at the other and said, "'Tis shame it's just the two of us."


 :lol: that jokes as old as me


----------



## John-H

How about this one....

Two Irishmen visit Rome and the Vatican and after looking around stumble into a bar. The first one says to the barman, "Seeing as we're good Catholics visiting your fine city, can you tell us, what the pope drinks?"

"Well," says the barman, "I've heard he's partial to a Creme du Menthe."

"Eye, give us two pints of that," says the Irishman.

After three pints each, they are sat on the stairs of the Vatican feeling worse for wear.

The second Irishman says, "Is that really what the pope drinks?"

"Eye," says the first.

The second replies, "No wonder they carry him round in a ruddy chair!"


----------



## ZephyR2

Paddy is in court and after an 8 hour trial he pleads guilty.

The judge says "Why didn't you plead guilty at the start and save the court all this time?"

Paddy says "Well I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence."


----------



## TJS

If you receive an email in these Covid 19 times with the subject "knock knock", don't open it. It's the Jehovah's Witnesses working from home


----------



## TJS

I notice the British Royal family are self isolating. Prince Charles with Covid-19 and Prince Andrew with Jennifer-14


----------



## SPECSMAN

I used to cough to disguise a fart .....

now it's the other way round.


----------



## ZephyR2

Watching a lot of TV at the moment. I seem to keep watching re-runs of that sitcom ...... Not going out.


----------

