# S**t Joke Thread



## bigsyd

You know the ones.... :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I had a really strange dream last night in which I just kept repeating, 'Hobbit, Hobbit, Hobbit!' My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

My laptop won't stop playing 'rolling in the deep' so I rang PC World. They said "what make is it" and I said "It's a Dell"

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year. Mick said "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you'll get a speaking part.

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat, that's a lot Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes&#8230;. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.



My brother took being sent to Jail really badly!
Wouldn't eat or drink at first, swore and spat at anyone who came near him.
Even smeared the walls with his own shit! It was so bad in fact, we haven't played monopoly since .....

:lol:

over to you [smiley=book2.gif]


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## davelincs

:lol:


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## Hoggy

:lol: :lol:


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## fiftyish

:lol: :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT

I think you got them all mate :lol:


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## pw1960

:lol: :lol:


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## j8keith

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## John-H

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## bigsyd

> I think you got them all mate


      

This is going to be the 1st Valentine's Day I was single in almost 10 years. I'm kind of excited.

I just hope the wife feels the same way when she finds out.

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

Our neighbour's dog shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.

"Piss off!" he replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Some bloke bibbed his horn and waved at me this morning.

"Who the hell is that?" I thought, as I stood there staring.

Then he did it again.

So I slowly walked towards him and looked through the windscreen, but I still didn't recognise him.

As he stepped out of the car I said, "Do I know you, mate?"

He said, "Get out of the fucking road!"

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Pok-er face.

 :lol: :lol:

G'day mate, Fosters helpline, how can I help?

My girlfriend has been stung on the minge by a hornet, and her vagina has completely closed up!

Bummer dude

Great, thanks, bye!!

thats it .....for now


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## YELLOW_TT

And here's me thinking they can't get any worse :lol:


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## Hoggy

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
Hoggy.


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## bigsyd

> And here's me thinking they can't get any worse


Ahem 

Today my mate was doing the crossword and asked if I knew the biological word for swollen Vagina!

I thought, thick C u n t

I was at the swimming baths yesterday and had a sneaky piss in the deep end. The life guard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!

My gran laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.

She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.


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## j8keith

[smiley=rolleyes5.gif] they're getting worse Syd.


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## YELLOW_TT

Please please no more mate no more [smiley=bigcry.gif] :lol:


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## RICHJWALL

O Sid, 
Please more, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: [smiley=bigcry.gif]

R


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## phope

Keep 'em coming


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## Gazzer

The hornet one had me sat chuckling for a good while m8 we'd syd you bloody nutter :lol:


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## bigsyd

Don't blame me :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ahem

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail

dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers

and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich,

begins to cough.

After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress,

and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

"No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No"

again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her

skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the

woman's bum.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her

mouth,

and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of

his beer.

His partner says in admiration,"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick

Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

I'm just nipping out to post a padded envelope full of classical music.

Bach in a Jiffy.

When I was a toddler my dad spent all of his time inventing new products for kids my age. He even went to the extent of fixing wheels to the bottom of a plastic bowl.

Used to drive me potty.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says 'A premature ejaculation ''What?' says the woman. The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Jamal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Jamal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

Just seen on the news that some terrorist has been into a supermarket somewhere and injected a tin of alphabet Spaghetti with high explosives. Police warn if it goes off it could spell disaster.

"Sorry, we don't serve time travellers"

A time traveller walked into a bar

Fwee Fwee Thix Thix - Fife Fwee Fife Thix Fwee.

^^ Chris Eubanks phone number.

They are closing down my local RSPCA centre as its too small

Apparently there is not enough room to swing a cat.

So, I went into a record shop and asked the man "what have you got by the Doors".

" a fire extinguisher"

I figured out the chord sequence for the Casualty theme tune the other day.

It's just A & E

Got my first Cage Fight at the weekend , That budgie wont know whats hit it

my mate just hit me over the head with a power tool, one minute i was minding my own business then, Bosch!

I like this :lol: :lol:

wife texts her husband on a cold winters morning..."windows frozen" husband texts back "pour some warm water over it" wife texts back 5 mins later "computers totally f....d now

my granddad says every morning his allotment is getting smaller, i think he is losing the plot.


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## YELLOW_TT

No. Ore mate pleassssssss no more [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bomb.gif] :lol:


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## bigsyd

YELLOW_TT said:


> No. Ore mate pleassssssss no more [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bomb.gif] :lol:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT

phope said:


> Keep 'em coming


And you stop encouraging him :lol: :lol:


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## Nilesong

Well I Like them. :lol:

Keep 'em coming Syd.


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## j8keith

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## bigsyd

one for Gazzer

Love this :lol: :lol: :lol:

bought the wife a ''pug'' dog today

despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat

the dog seems to like her.

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## fiftyish

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Gazzer

bigsyd said:


> one for Gazzer
> 
> Love this :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> bought the wife a ''pug'' dog today
> 
> despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat
> 
> the dog seems to like her.
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:


you seen my mrs then????? lol goodun syd


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## YELLOW_TT

Gazzer said:


> bigsyd said:
> 
> 
> 
> one for Gazzer
> 
> Love this :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> bought the wife a ''pug'' dog today
> 
> despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat
> 
> the dog seems to like her.
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> you seen my mrs then????? lol goodun syd
Click to expand...

I have met Syds misses a good few times and I will be having a little chat with Linda about this if this thread has any more shite jokes posted on it you have been warned :wink: :lol:


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## Gazzer

GRASS! :lol:


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## bigsyd

Andy :lol: :lol: :lol:

An Irish Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been 
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the 
far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took their 
rowing boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and 
(glug,glug,glug!) nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to 
safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the 
lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye 
father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, 
when the lake is frozen solid, and ye were born in August, ya fookin eedjit!"

Sorry 

Man: Doctor I've got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
Dr: Bend over I'll have a look...mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.
Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg



Cheesy jokes.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

--

What sort of cheese makes you taller?

Stilt on.

--

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mask-a-pony.

--

What cheese do you use to encourage bears?

C'mon-bear.

--

What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

'Hallo me!'

--

How do the Welsh eat cheese?

Caerphilly.

Linda hit me when I told her this :lol:

Wife : l want 3grand for a boob job

Me: no way, rub toilet paper between them
Wife : how will that make them bigger
ME : Well it worked on your arse

Enjoying myself in a night club last night, this really ugly girl come upto me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your number sexy"

I said "have you a pen?" she smiled and said "yes"

I said "well fuck off back to it then before the farmer notices that you're missing"

That's all for now guys...goodnight,


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## denTTed

How many times have we all said, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse"?

Now we're all fucking moaning about it!


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## YELLOW_TT

[smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=end.gif] No more no more Pleasssssssssssssse Linda needs to hit you a bit harder :lol:


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## j8keith

A dog owner gave his Dalmatian dog a bath

the dog came out spotless.


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## bigsyd

j8keith said:


> A dog owner gave his Dalmatian dog a bath
> 
> the dog came out spotless.


 :lol: :lol: :lol: just how i like them :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Gazzer

denTTed said:


> How many times have we all said, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse"?
> 
> Now we're all fucking moaning about it!


neighhhhh its not true john


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## Gazzer

me and the mrs were having fun one night when i said about using the massive cucumber from downstairs......all agreed and many hours of fun later we were both fast asleep when i got woken up by her moaning loudly!!!! so i nudged her and said whats up? i think that cucumbers repeating on me gazz :roll:


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## j8keith

My neighbour the other day was seen with a turtle in each hand beating his car,
when asked what he was doing,
replied that he was following the paint work care instructions, 
wash paint work, then cover with "turtle whacks"


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## Adam-tt

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

Sent from my GT-I9305 using Tapatalk 2


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## brittan

Patient: Doctor, every time I fart my a$$ says 'Honda'

Doctor: Hmmm, are you by any chance a recovering alcoholic?

Patient: Why yes, how did you know that?

Doctor: Abstinence makes the fart go Honda.


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## bigsyd

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## fiftyish

I was working in Tesco last night, aisle 7 rearranging the washing powder. 
When I bumped into the lady I have just started dating.
She was not happy. "Oi! You told me you are a stunt pilot you lying git." She said.
"No, I told you I was part of an Ariel display team." I replied.

The Dr put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night, it's Awesome!!
It doesn't matter what position we are in, nothing wakes her up!


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## YELLOW_TT

brittan said:


> Patient: Doctor, every time I fart my a$$ says 'Honda'
> 
> Doctor: Hmmm, are you by any chance a recovering alcoholic?
> 
> Patient: Why yes, how did you know that?
> 
> Doctor: Abstinence makes the fart go Honda.


That's got to be the worst yet [smiley=bigcry.gif]


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## brittan

YELLOW_TT said:


> brittan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Patient: Doctor, every time I fart my a$$ says 'Honda'
> 
> Doctor: Hmmm, are you by any chance a recovering alcoholic?
> 
> Patient: Why yes, how did you know that?
> 
> Doctor: Abstinence makes the fart go Honda.
> 
> 
> 
> That's got to be the worst yet [smiley=bigcry.gif]
Click to expand...

Isn't that the point? :lol:


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## bigsyd

YELLOW_TT said:


> brittan said:
> 
> 
> 
> Patient: Doctor, every time I fart my a$$ says 'Honda'
> 
> Doctor: Hmmm, are you by any chance a recovering alcoholic?
> 
> Patient: Why yes, how did you know that?
> 
> Doctor: Abstinence makes the fart go Honda.
> 
> 
> 
> That's got to be the worst yet [smiley=bigcry.gif]
Click to expand...

  

I was in the park the other day, and i was wondering why frisbees get bigger the closer they get to you.

And then it hit me.



Why did Mary fall off the swing?

She hadn't got any arms.

Knock Knock....

Who's there?
.
Obviously not Mary

A man walks in to his marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife, who is in bed, looks up as the man says "This is the pig I shag when you have a headache". The wife looks at him and says
"I think you'll find that is not a pig, it is a sheep." the man replies
"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

And I will leave you with..... 

With reports from the neighbours that they heard an argument earlier, Oscar Pestorious's defence team have said he hasn't got a leg to stand on


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## fiftyish

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other "Can you drive this thing?"

What do you call a blind dear?
No idea!


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## CraigW

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a vat of whiskey.

He had to get out three times for a piss


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## YELLOW_TT

fiftyish said:


> What do you call a blind dear?
> No idea!


If you can't beat them 
What do you call a blind dear with no legs 
Still no idea

What do you call a blind dear with no legs and no reproductive organs 
Still no F&&king idea


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## bigsyd

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Phage

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

Took my new shoes back to the shop today.
When the assistant asked me what the problem was i told her that one of them wasn't right....

I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory.
It was pretty Rubbish.....

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with only two right legs?
Lean Beef.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur singing hip-hop while driving a Mustang GT?
A: A velocirapper.


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## bigsyd

> Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: love it :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's the simple things that make me smile :-*


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## YELLOW_TT

bigsyd said:


> Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
> 
> 
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: love it :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> It's the simple things that make me smile :-*
Click to expand...

Says a lot mate :lol: :wink:


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## fiftyish

Did you hear about the seal that walked into a club?
Ouch!


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## j8keith

fiftyish said:


> Did you hear about the seal that walked into a club?
> Ouch!


Should have gone to "Spec Savers" first. :lol:


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## Reload_6

Two cows in a field, one says 'moo'. The other replies 'you bastard I was gonna say that.'

Thank you, thank you, here all week.


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## Phage

I quit my job at the helium factory......I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

How do you tell when an Australian has been in your fridge ?
Love bites on the leg of lamb.


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## YELLOW_TT

I thought this had died a death [smiley=bigcry.gif]


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## Phage

A bottomless pit I'm afraid. :mrgreen:


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## John-H

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray. :roll:

A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.

Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."


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## Gazzer

hey up Andy all of your moaning has brought hundreds of peeps onto the thread m8.


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## bigsyd

did you shout Andy









The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Paddy says " Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.   

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto ' Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

And with that...... I will get my coat


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## Gazzer

brightened the start of my day syd thank you ya nutty owld fart :lol:


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## Phage

My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.

Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.


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## John-H

I went to the doctor and said, "I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." He said, "Ah, you have Tom Jones syndrome." I said, "Is that common?" He said, "It's not unusual"


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## Gazzer

big syd walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
syd says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and syd proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Syd, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

syd says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the syd came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is syd, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

syd replies, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."


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## bigsyd

Fame at last 8) 8) 8) :lol:

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. 
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"

A book fell on my head last night.

I only have my shelf to blame


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## John-H

A man goes into a sweet shop and says "I'd like a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps please."
The shop assistant says, "I'm sorry were only got plane".

A man goes into a pet shop and says, "I've come to buy a wasp." The shop assistant says, "We don't sell wasps", to which the man replies, "Well you had one in your window yesterday!"


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## Gazzer

John-H said:


> A man goes into a sweet shop and says "I'd like a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps please."
> The shop assistant says, "I'm sorry were only got plane".


stupid sod...............that cracked me john lol


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## j8keith

Gazzer said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> A man goes into a sweet shop and says "I'd like a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps please."
> The shop assistant says, "I'm sorry were only got plane".
> 
> 
> 
> stupid sod...............that cracked me john lol
Click to expand...

A good laugh though :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Gazzer

Phage said:


> My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.
> 
> Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
> So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.


monkees one is a cracker phage..........


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## Phage

Cheers - showing my age a bit there though !


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## YELLOW_TT

Gazzer said:


> Phage said:
> 
> 
> 
> My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.
> 
> Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
> So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.
> 
> 
> 
> monkees one is a cracker phage..........
Click to expand...

You know what we do to monkeys in Hartlepool :twisted:


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## Gazzer

YELLOW_TT said:


> Gazzer said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Phage said:
> 
> 
> 
> My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.
> 
> Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
> So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.
> 
> 
> 
> monkees one is a cracker phage..........
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> You know what we do to monkeys in Hartlepool :twisted:
Click to expand...

marry them :lol: :lol:


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## YELLOW_TT

Phage said:


> My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.
> 
> Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
> So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.
> monkees one is a cracker phage..........
> You know what we do to monkeys in Hartlepool :twisted:
> marry them :lol: :lol:


[/quote][/quote]thats your neck of the woods mate [smiley=sweetheart.gif] up here we hang them [smiley=behead.gif]


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## Gazzer

YELLOW_TT said:


> Phage said:
> 
> 
> 
> My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.
> 
> Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
> So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.
> monkees one is a cracker phage..........
> You know what we do to monkeys in Hartlepool :twisted:
> marry them :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

[/quote]thats your neck of the woods mate [smiley=sweetheart.gif] up here we hang them [smiley=behead.gif][/quote]
now now Andy, keep this up m8 and i will have to get you banned from every pie shop in ya town lol


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## YELLOW_TT

Gazzer said:


> YELLOW_TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Phage said:
> 
> 
> 
> My girlfiend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking...............Then i saw her face.
> 
> Why does Pudsey wear an eye patch?
> So he can't see half of what goes on at the bbc.
> monkees one is a cracker phage..........
> You know what we do to monkeys in Hartlepool :twisted:
> marry them :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

thats your neck of the woods mate [smiley=sweetheart.gif] up here we hang them [smiley=behead.gif][/quote]
now now Andy, keep this up m8 and i will have to get you banned from every pie shop in ya town lol[/quote]
Never happen they couldn't take the loss of income [smiley=gossip.gif]


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## Gazzer

lol, love your northern monkey dry soh Andy.........


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## John-H

Apparently they hung the monkey because they thought it was a French spy. Napoleonic war time wasn't it? I think the monkey was dressed in sailors clothes and they couldn't understand what it said so obviously thought it must be speaking French. Didn't think it looked a bit hairy then? :lol: Sometimes life is funnier (unless you're a monkey). :roll:


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## YELLOW_TT

John-H said:


> Apparently they hung the monkey because they thought it was a French spy. Napoleonic war time wasn't it? I think the monkey was dressed in sailors clothes and they couldn't understand what it said so obviously thought it must be speaking French. Didn't think it looked a bit hairy then? :lol: Sometimes life is funnier (unless you're a monkey). :roll:


That's right John I think Gazzer is worried as his dad has gone missing :lol:


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## bigsyd

what an arrogant twat that oscar pretorius is
murders his girlfriend on valentnes day ,and hes still walking about with a spring in his step

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?" 
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

"THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti- constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. No thank you, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not
really my type.
4. No I don't want to see your fanny.
5. No my cocks fine as it is, I dont want you to suck it.
6. No please don't sit on my face I've got asthma.

Put on a porno DVD & sat down to watch it, but it was just a fat bloke holding his cock. Then I realised I'd forgotten to turn the TV on.

Kevin Webster has cancelled his family holiday to Florida
.......he was going to Tampa with the kids


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## Gazzer

YELLOW_TT said:


> John-H said:
> 
> 
> 
> Apparently they hung the monkey because they thought it was a French spy. Napoleonic war time wasn't it? I think the monkey was dressed in sailors clothes and they couldn't understand what it said so obviously thought it must be speaking French. Didn't think it looked a bit hairy then? :lol: Sometimes life is funnier (unless you're a monkey). :roll:
> 
> 
> 
> That's right John I think Gazzer is worried as his dad has gone missing :lol:
Click to expand...

Died when I was 24 Andy and mum when I was 13 bud


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## bigsyd

[smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif] just when you thought it was safe to come out [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif]

Who are the coolest blokes at the hospital?
The ultra-sound guys!

Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure

What do you call a indian with pink hair?

- Ghandi Floss

What do you call a Muslim cow? / Mooooooooooooohammad

Jimmy Savile greets Margaret Thatcher at the pearly gates. "What you up here for then?" asks Savile. "Shafting miners" she replies. "Me too" beams Savile.

Cleaner came up to me at work and said, I can't wait to get home.. I'm gonna rip the mrs's fookin knickers off...

oh yeah I said.. he said yeah...

They're fuckin killing me!!!!!!

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

maggie thatcher only been in hell 5 mins and shes shut 3 furnessess down allready



more sad news today that a man has died today at a chocolate factory after lots of boxes fell on him.
he triend in vain to save himself but when he shouted "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME "everyone just cheereed

I will be back :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


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## fiftyish

"I will be back "

Don't rush ,I can't take much more. [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif]


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## YELLOW_TT

[smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif] you promised [smiley=bigcry.gif] [smiley=bigcry.gif]


----------



## Gazzer

yeah welcome back syd


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## KammyTT

Sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says "sorry we don't serve food here"

Boom boom


----------



## Dotti

:lol:


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## Stevo Fife

bigsyd said:


> one for Gazzer
> 
> Love this :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> bought the wife a ''pug'' dog today
> 
> despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat
> 
> the dog seems to like her.
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:


 :lol:


----------



## YELLOW_TT

Well if you can't beat them join them 
A man walks into a bar and says ouch


----------



## j8keith

more sad news today that a man has died today at a chocolate factory after lots of boxes fell on him.
he tried in vain to save himself but when he shouted "THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME "everyone just cheereed

They had a bounty full spread at the wake.

sorry couldn't resist.


----------



## straut

FOR SALE - Remote controlled kite. No strings attached.


----------



## Gazzer

:lol: :lol:


----------



## John-H

Did you hear about the French sandal maker Philipe Flop?


----------



## Gazzer

John-H said:


> Did you hear about the French sandal maker Philipe Flop?


oh god not you now..............


----------



## John-H

A cow walks into a bar on its hind legs, barges everyone out of the way, pushes to the front and says, "Mine's a pint if Guinness please"
The barman says, "There's udders in front of you!"


----------



## straut

Q. How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
A. Eclipse.


----------



## straut

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.


----------



## straut

My uncle works with Digital radios.
You could say he's a DAB hand.


----------



## straut

I just got off the phone to Sea World.
My call was recorded for training porpoises.

I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
He still won't tell me who's a good boy.

My friend said he'd give me £100 if I did a bungee jump.
I wasn't falling for that.

I've been reading some statistics on the most common way people walk when drunk.
It's staggering.

Q. What kind of monkey can fly?
A. A Hot Air Baboon

A mate of mine bought a 2 litre bottle of Tipp-Ex.
Big mistake.

My friend is going to a fancy dress party as a Rastafarian tonight.
She's asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.

My racing snail hadn't been performing well, so I decided to remove its shell.
I don't think it worked though - if anything, it's more sluggish.

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't get any Easter eggs this year. His wife asked him "Does this mean you hate Easter now, Arnie?"
He replied "Ah still love Easter baby".


----------



## mk1f4n

A little boy in french class puts his hand up and asks "can I go to toilet please miss"
Teacher Replies "Oui"
Little boy says "No crap actually"


----------



## fiftyish

Just got back from having a mole removed from my penis.
The surgeon said the operation was a success.
But the RSPCA said that if it happens again they will prosecute.


----------



## SPECSMAN

j8keith said:


> fiftyish said:
> 
> 
> 
> Did you hear about the seal that walked into a club?
> Ouch!
> 
> 
> 
> Should have gone to "Spec Savers" first. :lol:
Click to expand...

There is no need to swear! Specsavers!

Specsman 8)


----------



## j8keith

SPECSMAN said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> fiftyish said:
> 
> 
> 
> Did you hear about the seal that walked into a club?
> Ouch!
> 
> 
> 
> Should have gone to "Spec Savers" first. :lol:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> There is no need to swear! Specsavers!
> 
> Specsman 8)
Click to expand...

 :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------

