# one liners



## TT5 4 JON (May 8, 2009)

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield . 3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death&#8230;..

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "mick i'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"sod that" says mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums............

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him....."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
I presume she was poor she only had £1.20 in her purse


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## stefmcd (Feb 27, 2011)

Superb - I lol'd about 5 times there!


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## pstopjo (Mar 18, 2011)

Excellent! Shall be giggling all day now.


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## WozzaTT (Jan 15, 2006)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## davelincs (Jan 1, 2010)

Very funny :lol:


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## TTCool (Feb 7, 2005)

:lol: :lol: 'One' liners are great. I can't be bothered to read those long-winded narratives only to find the punch line wasn't all that funny anyway :lol:

Joe


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