# wife jokes



## TT5 4 JON (May 8, 2009)

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

Got home last night and found the wife dead in the washing machine.
I'm gutted...
But at least she died in Comfort.

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality."

I got out of the shower and the Mrs. said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis... only smaller."
I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible."

I looked over at the wife last night sat on the sofa,
I said "are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
She said "I am" with a wry smile
I said "Thank F**k for that I thought the couch had burst"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee..
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive..
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says:
'I would have been released today......"

An Indian man on his death bed.
"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband."
"My son and daughter, are you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Then who's in the ******* shop?"

I see the government has announced they're gonna put warnings on ciggies and alcohol in picture form...

The **** are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs, and the beer's gonna have pictures of fat birds.


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## Hoggy (May 8, 2002)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
Hoggy.


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## SteviedTT (Apr 10, 2009)

:lol: :lol: :lol: Brilliant, haven't laughed so much for a long time :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## tt daz (Feb 18, 2010)

SteviedTT said:


> :lol: :lol: :lol: Brilliant, haven't laughed so much for a long time :lol: :lol: :lol:


well......lets face it you need cheering up ....no job !...no tt !! ha


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## SteviedTT (Apr 10, 2009)

tt daz said:


> SteviedTT said:
> 
> 
> > :lol: :lol: :lol: Brilliant, haven't laughed so much for a long time :lol: :lol: :lol:
> ...


I'll treat that with the contempt it deserves mate :-*


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

tt daz said:


> SteviedTT said:
> 
> 
> > :lol: :lol: :lol: Brilliant, haven't laughed so much for a long time :lol: :lol: :lol:
> ...


What a sad little pleb you must be, very sad


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## tt daz (Feb 18, 2010)

jamman said:


> tt daz said:
> 
> 
> > SteviedTT said:
> ...


no im not sad ....i have a job and a car and a motorbike and a motorhome and a nice wife and familly , cant ask for more ....shag ! so why dont you bog off !!


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

tt daz said:


> no im not sad ....i have a job and a car and a motorbike and a motorhome and a nice wife and familly , cant ask for more ....shag ! so why dont you bog off !!


Sighs.......

Look I like to try and help the uneducated amongst us so here goes,

Please start a sentence with a capital and don't use and so many times it makes you look stupid just use commas.

You really should place your wife at the front of your list not after the motor home :lol:

Try the following

http://www.expandyourvocabulary.com/personality/exercise1.html

Much love

James x x

PS Never admit to owning a motor home

PPS Family only has one l in it


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## SteviedTT (Apr 10, 2009)

:lol: :lol: :lol: and the guys supposed to be proofer :roll:


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## tt daz (Feb 18, 2010)

Why not admit to owning a 46k motorhome ( paid for may i add) thats something to be proud off ! and who are you an english teacher ? xx daz


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

tt daz said:


> Why not admit to owning a 46k motorhome ( paid for may i add) thats something to be proud off ! and who are you an english teacher ? xx daz


Ok one last time...

To save time I'm just going to highlight your errors with my corrections.

Sit up straight when you are reading.

"Why not admit to owning a 46k motor home ( paid for may I add) that's something to be proud of ! and who are you an english teacher ? xx daz"

Should really be Daz xx as well but I will let that pass.

I'm guessing you are from a very close family if you know what I'm saying ? (Banjo wars)

See Me *MUST* try harder tut tut

http://www.expandyourvocabulary.com/personality/exercise1.html


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## tt daz (Feb 18, 2010)

TT Forum Senior Member
you never answered my question , is your memory going now your getting on a bit ?


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

Always start a sentence with a capital, how many times. :lol:

Please tell your "nice" wife I feel for her and wish her ever happiness


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## ViperOneZero (Sep 4, 2008)

Jim,
get your red pen out on this thread:

http://www.********.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=165058&p=1678633#p1678633
 :lol:


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## Guest (Mar 19, 2011)

who is this fucktard?


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

Anyone who takes delight in another persons downturn in fortune is pondlife as far as I am concerned.

Anyway off now to look at my LED sidelights they look so pretty at night


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