# Sarcasm at it's best



## scoobysmiff (Jun 27, 2009)

*1.* I bought a bottle of shampoo earlier and noticed that it said on the bottle, 'For greasy hair'.

Thank fuck they warned me. I was about to put it on my cornflakes.

*2.* Wife: "It's started snowing outside"

Me: "Good. I hate it when it snows inside".

*3.* I was in the Cinema the other day, and my wife got up and said, "I'm just nipping to the loo, you want anything?"

I was like, "Yeah, I'd like a handful of piss and a bag of shit please."

*4.* I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my van, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag, cnut.

*5.* I was at work at tesco the other day and a customer asked me for "Tesco Value Bananas". I told the customer that we did not have any in stock.

"well then i will have to go to Asda" she replied.

To which i replied "With all due respect madam, you are hardly likely to find them in Asda either"

*6.* I was walking around a shop when the salesman came over:

"Good afternoon Sir, what are you looking for?" he said.

I said, "Because if I don't, I bump into things."

*7.* I've no idea what's going on with this weather.

It's gone really cold again just like it did last winter. Crazy.

*8.* As I sat having a shit, I noticed a label in my boxers warn, 'Keep away from fire'.

Lucky I read that, as the next thing I'd planned to sit on was a Bunsen burner.

*9.* I bought some pyjamas off the internet, and when I got them I found they had pockets.

Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I'm asleep.

*10.* My new sofa has just arrived... *Hand wash only* reads one of the tags.

Well Dunelm, you've excelled yourself.

I was literally seconds away from hauling your new sofa into the washing machine. Thank fuck you warned me.


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## YELLOW_TT (Feb 25, 2004)

Number 9 is defo the best :lol:


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## Graham Grant (Jul 23, 2011)

I knocked on my neighbours door late last night and she opened the door in her nightdress, I thought thats a funny place for a door.


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## jays_225 (Nov 4, 2009)

number 4 made me chuckle! :lol:


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## alexi7 (Aug 30, 2011)

:lol:


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## scoobysmiff (Jun 27, 2009)

2,3,8 and 9 are my faves although I think 3 is best from all of them lol


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## 14N-TT (Aug 18, 2011)

Brilliant. Definitely gonna 'borrow' some of those :lol:


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

jays_225 said:


> number 4 made me chuckle! :lol:


THat's an old Tommy Cooper Gag I think. Either he tells it that way, or he's actually done it to people in hotels, I forget which.


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