# the World according to Ant Jim and meeee



## Gazzer

weird and wonderfull feats of memory muscle and pure nuttiness from peeps around the world.

fire away jim, and Auntie

Good god!! You mean the convex carbon biode inverter from Jims 'larm-clock actually yielded the current?
Im more than interested in this Gaz, ive lost my car keys 20 years from now and if what youre saying is correct, id like you to pop forward in time and have a look for them.
Ive got to stick around here and feed the Tapir.... did i tell you ive bought a small collection of unwanted exotic animals, job lot, a tenner.... bargain.
The sea scopium is feisty and rather whiffy but youre gonna like the multi level shelves ive put up in the bread dispatch area, i think we can keep them all in there and save on import duty.
Also the turnips are ready, tell the world!!

ok m8 i found them......were in the biscuit tin with the garibaldi crumbs that were left...........the turnips are worth £25,000 each in 2032 m8 so i flogged the lot......can you pop back to deliver them.


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## Spandex

Where's Ikon when you need him...


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## Gazzer

Spandex said:


> Where's Ikon when you need him...


 :roll: now come on spandy give us mere mortals a chance bud


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## antcole

Right, as a demonstration of absolute power and determination, ive managed 27 'no hands-hand stands' consecutively.
Obviously, i didnt record the demonstration but i did do them.

Top that!


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## YoungOldUn

Spandex said:


> Where's Ikon when you need him...


Ah, well, you see this is 'Our World' and is only to be inhabited by the likes of us and Ant has proved that we hold the power by carry out his no hands hand stands. We will now have to discuss how this world is to develop [smiley=gossip.gif]


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## antcole

Do we need a currency in this world or will a series of high pitched squeaks and clicking noises be acceptable?


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## YoungOldUn

Don't see why not after all the Clangers managed


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## Gazzer

if it is indeed our world! can we have a nice comfy chair on the corner over there -----------> with a teapot with no spout.
no rain or spiders either. i also would like some martian girls under 300 years old (did you know they have three boobs)

<---------------Jims chair here

ants chair----->

then we can all play pass the hand grenade blindfolded 8)


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## antcole

I think were missing a religion too.... so ive made a start on one for us.

*Genesis 1:1*

_1. In the beginning God created the earth but saw that it was too normal and thus created the other world.

2. Now the other world was pleasant but formless and empty, like the inside of a supermodels bra. God did create rut and peak, that thy dwellers may experience.

3. And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was ok but it could be better and so created LED light and God agreed this was indeed a good light and he separated the light from the darkness for only 2.99 with a fuel purchase of over 15 CLICK CLICK SQUEAK.

4. God stopped for a cup of coffee and a ***. And it was good.

5. God called the day "day," and the night time he called "night time." And there was evening, and there was morning- he did also name them too, the first day, it was cold and God did feel much like having a lie in but there was much to do.

6. So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And lo for it was because his holy house was built on a flood plain without the proper land surveys.

7. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, i shall call this place Gloucestershire and let dry ground appear at its edges." And it was so.

8. God called the dry ground B&Q's carpark And God saw that it was good. God did create a mobile catering van, its Bacon Sarnie and cholesterol and ketchup produce must occupy B&Q's carpark on weekdays. And God saw that it was good.

9. Then God said, "i have a killer thirst for a pint, ive done enough today" And it was so.

10. And there was evening, and there was morning - God did see that beer on a school night was a foolish choice, did vow never to repeat it and created the chip buttie.

11. And God said, "I cant be arsed with all the other stuff" and did skip to the end.

27. So God created mankind in his own image, but adding much more ergonomically pleasing attributes to the female version. And God saw that it was tip top!

28. God blessed them and said to them with much joy, "Be many and increase in thou number and be sure to pop round anytime, kettles always on."

29. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was the TT Forum, and God did say "i shall taunt them, i shall vex them, i shall spake thine own mind and i shall succeed in thine posts becoming lock'ed by thine moderators, and there will be much jest among those whom agree'eth."_

*The 10 Commandments*

_1. Thou shalt keep thine engine clean and in adjustment that thy life in its company shall be long and that the owner shall increase thy use.

2. Know thy TT and all its parts and functions, else thou shalt be in some unholy spot.

3. Be not wise in thine own conceit. Remember the factory instructions and keep them holy, lest repairs be thine undoing.

4. Be not loose in thy jaw hinges for no man knoweth all about thine TT. The truly wise absorbeth much knowledge and exceedeth little, and he who so doeth shall gain repute among his fellows and favors among his superiors.

5. For all things in this life that thou desireth thou shalt also pay plenty and for the wisdom of experience, no less. Advice from the multitudes costeth nothing and is usually worth just that.

6. In the books thou mayest read what to do and when, but only the voice of experience may tell thee why and how, else thy reading of what and when shall but plague thee with smoke.

7. God maketh the earth to rotate endlessly without bearings, or oil, but not thy TT.

8. Curse not thine engine when it turneth not. Curse rather thine own stupidity.

9. Ford and Subaru be they plentiful, though sloppy; thine TT not so. With VAGCOM and mods be thou ever busy.

10. The eternal eye watcheth universal operations, but thou shalt not rely upon it as to thy TT. Thine own vigilance is the price thou payest for thy job._


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## Gazzer

fantastic Ant........now where is the teapot? ive just killed and emptied out hugo the oldest living giant tortoise in readiness for a brew and it's gone.
jim we did speak this afty regarding trying to load the whole of u-tube videos ever done onto the media player...pack it in bud. guys in our world are we allowed to BBQ wallsendmag aka=northern monkey? as i have a great recipe for sliced n diced northern thigh meat if ya interested and then we could sell the rest of him as stew's to the gypos for a peg a piece.


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## YoungOldUn

I have just managed to escape an enraged galoopy bird who was chasing me around the 3rd moon on the leeward side of the globe and so I have only just learned that we now have an Ant Religion. If I had known earlier, perhaps I would not eaten the galoopy egg and its mum would not have chased me :? .


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## Gazzer

YoungOldUn said:


> I have just managed to escape an enraged galoopy bird who was chasing me around the 3rd moon on the leeward side of the globe and so I have only just learned that we now have an Ant Religion. If I had known earlier, perhaps I would not eaten the galoopy egg and its mum would not have chased me :? .


ohh, sorry Jim i did mean to tell you that i had actually pinched four eggs last week for me and Ant as a jamie oliver 15 minute special scrammbled galoopy with wild scottish salmon fart juice. we lost due to the fact that i couldn't catch the wild fart, so did my own but folowed through.........


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## antcole

That galoopy was a particularly unpleasant fowl and id say good riddance to it.
We will simply have to create one of our own design, a three legged flightless version with suicidal tendancies.
Maybe need to create a female one as well so that we can breed more and live self sufficient with a leg each every 3 weeks.
Cheaper than hunting the elusive administration persons and tastier too.
As for the teapot, it was damaged while moving the new work top from <---- there to just next to that there --->

Ive a new one arriving tomorrow with three spouts, one each and makes pouring the brew much less time consuming.

Sorry about the stain on the rug too, it wasnt me, next doors dog got in again..... hang on, do we have neighbours?


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## YoungOldUn

Neighbours, NEIGHBOURS who has let them into OUR WORLD?

Should we evict them, eat them or should we alter the DNA of the new 3 legged gloopies to add more legs and invite them round for tea, but wait on we can't the teapot which went over <-------> there has only 3 spouts.

Ant can you grow another tea pot?


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## antcole

YoungOldUn said:


> Neighbours, NEIGHBOURS who has let them into OUR WORLD?
> 
> Should we evict them, eat them or should we alter the DNA of the new 3 legged gloopies to add more legs and invite them round for tea, but wait on we can't the teapot which went over <-------> there has only 3 spouts.
> 
> Ant can you grow another tea pot?


Im onto it as we speak Jim, im calling it the 'multi spouted brew recepticator high yield liquid taming vessel tea kettle'.










Not sure what to do about the neighbours.... i reckon we should just stay really quiet for a few months and they will likely just move on.
The same thing happened to me in my last world, and it did eventually work. Although the severe beating wasnt too pleasant.


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## Tangerine Knight

i take it in this world that your in is glue sniffing or smoking jamaican woodbines a compulsory thing ?


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## YoungOldUn

We's be smokin the whoopsedaisy leaves but they make me a little unsteady on the old pins. I think that I now have an alternative use for the 'multi spouted brew recepticator high yield liquid taming vessel tea kettle'. With a few bits of rubber pipe, it could be adapted into a multi resident whoopsedaisy imbiber.

I'm not sure if I should be telling you this, your not one of the neighbours are you?


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## antcole

Dont tell him anything Jim, especially dont tell him about the Multi Spouted Brew Recepticator High Yield Liquid Taming Vessel Tea Kettle, he's one of them from next door.
If he knows too much, we may have to 'induce' him....


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## Tangerine Knight

just sent gazzer a text about keeping the noise down

no im not a neighbour i am one of the borrowers in the floorboards have you not heard me ?


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## Gazzer

Bloody heck we have borrowers in the floor boards? Err we don't have any floor boards!! So he must be hiding in the life size model of tony Blair made out of match sticks.........

Pass the brew recepticator ant as I need to fly off to the shops we have run out of garibaldi biccies for elevenses. Oh and I will pick up a copy of micro undies and how to make them from dandelion flowers.


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## antcole

oooh, Gaz, while youre there, get me a packet of lime props, a bag of welding sparks, 25 noise pellets, 1/2 lb of osterich cheese, an armadillos hinge and this months copy of 'Welters Underwater Robot Zoo Enthusiast'.

Oh, and some trill for our little underfloor guest, Blackpool... well, we cant induce him, id feel awful.

Kettles on btw!


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## Gazzer

I got the welding sparks m8, but they run out of welters underwater robot zoo enthusiast......so I got you the national geographic yearly times on training a borrower in house keeping. Oh did you say trill or thrill? As I got you some tickets for moon walking in jim jams and wellies.

Sits down puts feet up on the armadillo hinge and tries to lick eyebrows............


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## YoungOldUn

Hope you got the hot welding sparks because it is bloody freezing on this ceiling. I need to get a warmer jacket than this simulated gnats wing composite thing I am wearing. I fancy one of those crushed purple pumice spider nest ones as they are supposed to be hot. I wonder if I could induce one of the borrowers to find one for me if I offered them a bit of ostrich cheese. 
Got me wondering, how many borrowers do you think there are?


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## antcole

Why didnt you just admit your jacket was rubbish Jim, im not and ogre, i would have offered you my spare owl-fibre poncho and a can of tramp fuel.... jeeez, if were going to occupy this world, weve got to be more open....
It is cold, must be the temperature or something like that.

I believe theres more than one borrower lurking under the boards, i dont think theres as many as seven hundred and twenty six down there but definitely somewhere between one and seven hundred and twenty six in total.
Gazzers quiet, too quiet.... i hope he's not in there -----> creating weapons again....


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## Gazzer

errr sorry boys but today i am seeing what effect a powder coat oven at 215c does to my naked big toe while wearing batwing protection over the rest of me.........so i am lovely and warm.

interesting fact! did you know that if you pee in an oven at 215c it dries out within 55 nano seconds of the moons rotation around our very own planet. oh btw don't fart in an oven as the burn back can get a tad feisty :roll:


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## YoungOldUn

It's nice to be in such a kind world, thanks Ant for the offer of your spare owl-fibre poncho and a can of tramp fuel but I have since managed to get one of those crushed purple pumice spider nest ones from a passing robin blue breast who had happened upon it while swimming in the clear greenish yellow sea of dust of the smooth coast (as opposed to the rough carborundum one).

I don''t know if Gazzer made any more weapons but he says he has been experimenting with farts in an oven, I don't really fancy eating cooked Gazzer farts again after the last time. Remember we all fell into a strange technicolour dream state for what seemed to be more than a few beats of a bats wing.

Note: The borrowers seem to have gone very quiet, I hope they are not planning an attack.


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## antcole

Yes their or its silence is rather ominous i have a feeling that we might be under surveillance, or above surveillance as theyre LITERALLY under the floor. Effectively being surveilled from below so to speak.... mapping our every move and Gazzers trousercoughs.
I did catch a slight waft of his oven-ready 'air biscuit' earlier on and i inadvertently and momentarily became detached from myself, quite literally split in twain.... the two halves of mines selves were soon reattached thankfully.
Its a noxious mix, quite unusual.....


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## Gazzer

boys boys boys..............i have just had dinner with the borrowers and believe it or not there are ten of them at present! but with every musical fart they replicate twice over and god forbid someone plays kylie's i should be so lucky lucky lucky song....................it goes into a fre for all mode of arousal that makes it more potent. oh and it is the garibaldi biccies that is doing it 8) i can now powder puff a candle at 3000 paces orrrrrrrrrrrrrr melt a chicken jalfrezzi with a 2 second blast.

tin tacs hammered into floor every 22 paces and wired into the spider coat of jims for feedback on borrowers


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## YoungOldUn

My secret thoughts -

Is Gazzer a borower, if not is he turning into one. He seems to be on very good terms with them eating dinner Hrrumph. 
Must keep one of my eyes on him, I think I will try and attach one of the velcro eyes because the blue tack ones are covered in fluff at the moment due to rolling them under the floor trying to see a borrower.
I am going to try and obtain a few torthogs and will insert them under the floor where I hope they will search for the scent of a borrower and report back. They will inform me If Gazzer is a borrower or not. I don't think Ant is one, but we will see.


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## Tangerine Knight

im still here

relocated to the key hole as gazzer wont keep the noise down i have text him a couple of times but he has not replied

tried to bribe him with a hapeth of wot nots but he declined


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## antcole

blackpoolfc said:


> im still here
> 
> relocated to the key hole as gazzer wont keep the noise down i have text him a couple of times but he has not replied
> 
> tried to bribe him with a hapeth of wot nots but he declined


Its a good job Jim lost all the keys.... and our Gaz can NOT be bought.... however, i most certainly can.

Ill get something done about the noise in exchange for a couple of CLICK SQUEEEEK CLICK CLICK.
And ill even feed a gold super strength bratwurst into the keyhole as a goodwill gesticulation. Not a bad hatstand, i think youll agree!


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## Gazzer

Brrrrrrrrr it is certainly hot in the broom cupboard guys!!!! hemmingway i have been a busy little ragwort today, well actually two weeks and i will explain in a minute or six.

after listening to auntie anty about making weapons and the pesky borrower invasion that is growing with every traff of the trousers...............i decided to do something about it. so i have made a self propelling magnitude launcher with laser sights and gas strut adjustable hinges on the rear door. i found all of the parts in jim's alarm clock, it was like opening up the tardis tbh.....even had two sun loungers tucked away to the right. so i started to build it and then realised that it could take a while so popped into the loo to read the home dentistry weekly in full colour from 1977, after the third flush everything went bright white with fleks of silver and hey presto i was in north norwich in 2032 with a team of scientists calling me Mr Haribo.....was a really rubber elephant time. within five minutes it was built and another bottom rummbling burp later i was back in the broom cupboard with a 65 foot x 2" monster magnitude launcher.

it only weighs 34 metric tonnes and can spin on a milk chocolate tadpole, andddddddddddd i have painted it flouresant pink to match the new fridge. it fires sharpened matchsticks from the tony statue and has an accuracy of 1 out of 3000 shots GOOD EHHH. the opperating manual is only 601 pages long and is in brail just incase the lights go out.


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## antcole

Good god!! You mean the convex carbon biode inverter from Jims 'larm-clock actually yielded the current?
Im more than interested in this Gaz, ive lost my car keys 20 years from now and if what youre saying is correct, id like you to pop forward in time and have a look for them.
Ive got to stick around here and feed the Tapir.... did i tell you ive bought a small collection of unwanted exotic animals, job lot, a tenner.... bargain.
The sea scopium is feisty and rather whiffy but youre gonna like the multi level shelves ive put up in the bread dispatch area, i think we can keep them all in there and save on import duty.
Also the turnips are ready, tell the world!!


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## antcole

....oh and make sure you weld the back on properly next time. Its not a pretty thing...


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## Gazzer

viewtopic.php?f=8&t=308105


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## Gazzer

Gazzer said:


> http://www.ttforum.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=308105


wowwwwwwwwwwww am getting timular distortion ever since taking jims alarm clock ap appp apparrrrrrt........


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## Gazzer

Gazzer said:


> Gazzer said:
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.ttforum.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=308105
> 
> 
> 
> wowwwwwwwwwwww am getting timular distortion ever since taking jims alarm clock ap appp apparrrrrrt........
Click to expand...

trrrrrappa pppa pa kcolc mrala smij gnikat ecnis rever noitrotsid ralumit gnitteg ma wwwwwwwwwwwwow


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## antcole

You really did it!! You really did it!!
NUUUURRRRSE!!!

Ive been impressed twice in my life, and THAT was one of them.
Octopus-bag dustbuster, Manchester evening news, Sir Freddy Laker...... youuuuur boys tooook a hellll-of-a-beating!!


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## Gazzer

brain freeze now..............numb fingers from clutchin bonce..........


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## YoungOldUn

Have you two been at the lime props and noise pellets again? Told you that they alter your inner dimensional sweep of the linear glavical climate controller didn't I. You will have to smell the footsteps of a female borrower to remove the after effects of that vile mixture now.
Just had a snapnap hanging from a branch of our fruiting glisbom tree in the front garden and had a strange dream about Gazzer removing some of my insides to make a super weapon, checked my bod and cant find any incisions which have just appeared unless a mystical vibrato incisor was used to carry out the operation. Is someone in communication with the borrowers cause I think one is screaming through the key hole for some ostrich cheese.


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## antcole

I have a confession... i did indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed eat all of the lime props, and one of your suede brothel creepers... sorry.
Ive not slept well, or as we might say - ive not slept well.
Ive decided to drill a hole in the wall and push as much toilet paper as we might have available into the hole.
Its precautionary and rather ingenious... for what reason, i have no idea but it is very very ingenious.

Now then, i have a bevel to feather, a yawn incubator to spray and two ornamental mantle handlers to elevate.... must get on.


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## Gazzer

if any of you find a couple of legs sort of walking around by themselves give me a shout as mine decided to bugger off somewhere this morning and left me at the paper shop...........just taken me 12 hours to hand stand all the way back with a snotty nose running into my eyes......so i went via the new animal enclosure. jees that tapir can get grumpy if you accidentally stick a head up its bum due to forwardular motion at downhill mode of 7mph. any shampoo going guys as i'm a bit grumpy over the smell of tapir that has eaten all of jims haribo sweets......


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## Gazzer

OIIIIIIIIIII get back here i can see you dancing outside, get back here ya pair of eejiots


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## YoungOldUn

Wasn't dancin was just collecting some crimblies ready for the party. Crimblies seem to be getting rarer than snowmouse shit, unless that tapir has been pushing them up its arse to remove the Gazzer smell.


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## Gazzer

BBbburpppppppp oh that's better, what have you guys been filling the teapot up with


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## antcole

Gazzer said:


> BBbburpppppppp oh that's better, what have you guys been filling the teapot up with


Mostly liquid helium, a cadburys boost (rippled on top with a flat undersiiiiiiiide), three limpets and a burnt cork.


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## Gazzer

What is a crimblie Jim? and who is having a party and why was i and me not invited me owld cabbage fruity fly????

does Aunty Anty know ya having a party does he? 
does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he? does he?


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## John-H

antcole said:


> YoungOldUn said:
> 
> 
> 
> Neighbours, NEIGHBOURS who has let them into OUR WORLD?
> 
> Should we evict them, eat them or should we alter the DNA of the new 3 legged gloopies to add more legs and invite them round for tea, but wait on we can't the teapot which went over <-------> there has only 3 spouts.
> 
> Ant can you grow another tea pot?
> 
> 
> 
> Im onto it as we speak Jim, im calling it the 'multi spouted brew recepticator high yield liquid taming vessel tea kettle'.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure what to do about the neighbours.... i reckon we should just stay really quiet for a few months and they will likely just move on.
> The same thing happened to me in my last world, and it did eventually work. Although the severe beating wasnt too pleasant.
Click to expand...

Where does N75 - the universal truth galaxy connect? I'm confused...


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## Gazzer

Well you wouldn't understand m8 as you only have 15,000,000,000 brain cells like all other humans that pop in here to spy on our kingdom!!! Anyone knows it connects to the 75N girdle tightener that is part of the kettle system......jees how thick are mere porno soupians

Can we get a new cryptical 25,000 button code lock on the door please jim & aunty anty?


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## YoungOldUn

Been trying for ages to fit the new cryptical 25,000 button code lock on the door but it seems to be blocked by a sleeping borrower. Tried using one of new Gazzer weapons on it (25Ghz trembling reamed hyperbole rifle) but could not work out how to target the borrower with it, ended up taking out a warthog (sorry Gazzer, I know he was your favourite) that was high on Crimblies and a couple of breeding ant-eaters (Not that they would eat our Ant). I have now however managed to wedge the door shut with a bit of discarded intergalactic chewing gum which according to the ebay advert was last chewed by Zaphod Beeblebrox!


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## John-H

Now there's a frood who really knows where his towel is!


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## Tangerine Knight

YoungOldUn said:


> Been trying for ages to fit the new cryptical 25,000 button code lock on the door but it seems to be blocked by a sleeping borrower. Tried using one of new Gazzer weapons on it (25Ghz trembling reamed hyperbole rifle) but could not work out how to target the borrower with it, ended up taking out a warthog (sorry Gazzer, I know he was your favourite) that was high on Crimblies and a couple of breeding ant-eaters (Not that they would eat our Ant). I have now however managed to wedge the door shut with a bit of discarded intergalactic chewing gum which according to the ebay advert was last chewed by Zaphod Beeblebrox!


 i sleep with one eye open


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## YoungOldUn

I think that the borrower is not a borrower but is a dolphin that has morphed into a borrower, but is still a dolphin. So now we have a dolphin lodging in the door lock. Perhaps the 25Ghz trembling reamed hyperbole rifle was the wrong weapon to use.

G A Z Z E R where are you, you need to produce a morphed dolphin/borrower weapon quickly or should I try feeding it some of the crimblies? Feeling unsure now about the power/strength of the Zaphod Beeblebrox gum although I do still have my towel with me.


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## Wallsendmag

John-H said:


> Now there's a hoopy frood who really knows where his towel is!


fixed :roll:


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## Gazzer

were being unvaded by invallians everywhere.............jim read the big blue sign on left of the 25Ghz trembling reamed hyperbole rifle (insert 2p and push red button 20 times) then stand back m8...............she's gonna blow big style.

i like dolphins, not sure about ones that sleep with one eye open though. maybe he is related to smaug the dragon that escaped from that john wayne bobbit film in zew nealand.


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## Gazzer

oh bugger.....you silly sods chewed that gum jim was on about didnt ya? its a notorious time warp gum.........see you soon i hope lol


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## YoungOldUn

Wheeeee i'm back, just been sailing the sea of infinity on a hyper drive silver thimble I think, either that is true or I have eaten some of Ants hallucinogenic ostrich cheese. Reminds me to feed the creatures that Gazzer has collected over the past week or two. I wonder if we could eat some of them, the galoopy birds are looking very plump perhaps with crimbles coming we could have one of them. The bloody sea scopium just tried to get me again, the stinking thing is going to end up being part of my auto disembowelment experiment if it goes for me again.
Where has Lord Ant gone to, I hope the borrowers have not kidnapped him or worse.


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## antcole

WHARFDALE! OCTOPUS-DUST BUSTER!
Im back, did anything happen? Was anything broken while i was out?

What a nightmare ive had..... The thrauss handler dislocated and sent the pigment-duck right off the line, welding itself to the actual needle snip.
I ended up eyebrows deep in furnet louse excrement.... it got so bad at one point that i had to completely refill the jerry-boxwobbler.
Even then, the magnet phasing de-fornicator wouldnt lift..... i finally got the required pressure by completely filling it with James Herriot.
Thats the last time im going in there......


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## John-H

Sounds Trickywoo. I hope your gloves were long enough.


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## antcole

That was half the problem, the glove was too long, only had the one.
Any man with six fingers is alright in my book.....


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## Gazzer

Jim, how can i grow a third arm by tomorrow night m8? i have one of the under 300 year old martian birds comin over and she likes all three boobs tickled at once!!!!! i am at present sat in the septic tank on my side trying to grow one in bat goo poo...........honks a bit tbh.


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## oceans7

WHAT THE FXXK IS GOING ON HERE??????????? I feck off to polish the Unicorn for a few days and come back to you load a mentals.  this is not a smiley face it's an acid tab that youse lot have obviously been munching the arpse off of!


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## YoungOldUn

Last time I had a martian bird, she covered me in her love potion after which I grew 2 extra arms giving me one for each boob and one left over for her tickling her testicurios. What a night that was.

We seem to be having a few borrowers visiting again although the dolphin is suspiciously quiet. I am glad that Ant has managed to repair the thrauss handler although we will have to find a way of detaching the pigment-duck from the needle snip. I propose that we replace it with the more up to date halucinagenic butterfly bat, we should not than have any more of these unpleasant episodes.


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## Gazzer

just aswell her love juice grows the extra arm as i currently have 45 fingers on each hand :? am gonna lob em off and sharpen the nails to keep the borrowers down to a minimum guys. you think the entity called (oceans) obviously a freak of nature with wings is anything to do with the dolphin thing that morphed into a borrower that kips with one eye open..........so could all be ralatives of smaug the dragon thingy with the 90" teeth


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## Tangerine Knight

im still here

gazzer im keeping an eye on you as i believe you are from a different planet

and you are trying to round us up for your food problem on your planet like you did in V


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## Gazzer

the Dolphin Borrower knows my name!!!!! i blame Ant for trading with them personally, he didn't have to buy those 13 giraffes with the short necks in all honesty did he? they look more like hyenas anyhow to me.
i think it is getting close to rubbing the magic toilet systern pull chain to see into the future on what they want from us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hic cough purp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

when we putting up the easter deco's guys as only a few weeks till fourth of july starts 8) and i get to wear my special penny for the guy wheelbarrow i have painted in used teabag residue.


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## Tangerine Knight

gazzer you have confirmed you really are from a distant planet

were you a stow away on the tardis ?

ps not only do i know your name i had a smashing conversation on the phone with a gazzer on here ,could you be one and the same ?


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## John-H

Did someone say TARDIS? Perhaps someone can help? When I came back to mine it was only 12" high and I can't get in the ruddy door! I can get my hand inside and feel around up to my elbow but I can't reach the controls to do anything. Do you think one of your little borrowers can be trusted to help get in and press the right buttons? I suppose we could keep him on a string and yank him out at the first sign of trouble? If we get it the right size again I could sort out your temporal problems and run a few errands to the shops etc. Let me know.


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## YoungOldUn

Before the easter decos can be put down, we have the night of fawkes to celebrate, I have a load of fire flies to set off this time all of their bums have been cleaned to allow their lasers to deflux beterer than the last time when they all crashed into each other because their lights were clogged up. A small tardis has appeared on the rim of the toilet ever since you pulled the chain of doom, I am tempted to try and open it up but it is shut tight. I am going to ask Ant to use his harmonic denebulising-warp multitool on it and see if it opens then.


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## Gazzer

that isn't a tardis silly...........thats my new novelty poo shaper insert tool that pops out tardis shaped poos. i also have one for abrham clingon and even a novelty sleigh with all of the reindeer, but i have to eat 13 curries and 10 chillli cons to manage that one. if ant does open it then see if the spare key for the new 25,000 codelock bypass is in it as i swallowed by mistake when i was eating crimblies on toast and haribo monster bags.


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## YoungOldUn

Just been out for a stroll checking that all is well in Antjimme land. All of the animals are getting fat including the galoopy bird I hope. Didn't see it because it knows the Chrissy time is about to drop on us and it senses that we are going to eat it. Mind you thats not hard when it sees Gaz wielding his big chopper practising for the final day and Ant has his condiments in his hands, rubbing them maniacally. Not seen Ant or Gaz for a while not since they decided to go hunting borrowers using one of Gaz's X weapons. Ant did say something about the sprackle hinge on the mentoring boiler being faulty, i must go now and check it.


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## John-H

I trod on a firefly once - confusingly it was delighted :?

So, no borrowers being offered then? How can I fix my dimensional crisis now? This is really short sighted with only a few shopping days left. I was reading the manual and it says that the chameleon circuit employs re-entrant current limiting and the noise present on power-up can be anything from a dull "wumph wumph" to a "zip squeak". I'm not hearing anything at all apart from a tiny voice coming from within saying, "Help me!". You've not sent one of your borrowers in unsupervised have you?


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## Gazzer

hey i'm homeeeeeeeeeee, ive got easter bunnies for everyone. well started off as just three of em but due to the time fluctuation from the toilet flush and getting back again they have err multiplied a tad.
heyup john, you joining us in the new kingdom eh? i ate 20 fireflies once the 2" variety and then turned the lights out and plugged myself into a sound to light system......was migatronically fun i can assure you. Jim i have that galoopy bird hidden away in the bread bin and feeding it on left over wild onion mushrooms for a better flavour on the day bud.

latest news on the borrowers: turns out they are an intergalactic minature police force that are hunting escaped left handed mutant robin redbreasts, that arn't actually real birds but cybertronic fleas in special suits.


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## YoungOldUn

Thanks for looking after the bird for me, I just wish that you would do something about that dratted sea scopium. It is downright dangerous chomping on anything close to it. It has now consummed 5.5 2 inch fireflies, 7 crawling earsnakes and 3 of my favourite starpussies. How do I know I hear you ask, well you only have to peer into its outer stomach (the one on the end of its fifth foot close to the central toe) and you can see them! It is growing at a fantastic rate and is staring intently at the bunnies running all over the place. You have really gone overboard with the bunnies and it is not even close to the easter decos, you are using the old rimperium calendar again instead of the current evolvulum calendar. If you stand on your head and look backward at the unside down rimperium calendar it will now resemble a evolvulum one and you will see we are closer to the night of fawkes then we have to celebrate Chrissy time all before easter decos.

If the borrowers are an intergalactic minature police force is John one of the cybertronic fleas in special suits that are impersonating the mutant robin redbreasts and why is one of them a dolphin?


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## Gazzer

how about we have the sea scopium as a starter before the galoopy main course with onion mushroom flavouring. btw it has just eaten four loaves of that special walnut date and garlic bread..........it is virtually farting pure garlic spray so beware guys.
i think john is special but not in the way you mean lol.........


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## John-H

I woke after a bad night counting rabbits for some reason. Through one eye I saw the sun poke its impudent marmalade fingers in through the grizzled latice glass, and send the shadows scurrying, like convent girls menaced by a tramp. Well, I suppose with my TARDIS too small to function and with a sore knee I'm not going far. I'd be delighted as a trampled firefly to accept your hospitality and the mushrooms sound nice too  Are you frying them in fully synthetic?


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## Gazzer

dohhhh john that wasn't a tramp that is aunty Ant in his special disguise to catch the borrowers in our kingdom


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## YoungOldUn

Okey Dokey, we now have Auntie Ant in disguise, Gazzer as Gazzer, me as me unless it is the monthly time of the week when I may appear as a whisp of a chocolate orange daffodil and now John who as I now know is one of the cybertronic fleas who the hell is the dolphin then and where has he or she gone?


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## Gazzer

ah but the cybertronic fleas are only here to capture the borrowers don't forget Jim, so that may be why the dolphin that sleeps with one eye open like smaug...........has dissapeared as captured or gone into hiding!!! the Mystery thickens.

(slow drum roll with weird crab noises in the background for affect)


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## YoungOldUn

As its nearly Chrissy time, I am looking forewards to receiving presents from the cybertronic fleas and borrowers. Last year my bestest pressy was the pimply rainbow rocks set, I'm not sure what they are but they have become a talking piece when placed in the multi spouted teapot.


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## Gazzer

DOLPHIN ALERT DOLPHIN ALERT..........................that borrower is a spy Jim i swear on it (blast damm deary me oh shucks) and all of that.


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## YoungOldUn

Just heard a rumour that Gazzer is a S P Y for the borrowers !!!!!

Must admit though it was the dolphin who sleeps with one eye open who said it and I'm pretty sure that he is a borrower himself although if he is a borrower than that would suggest the information could be true. Oh where is lord Ant when I need him.

I will watch the sunset and wait for the sky to turn into the puce green of midnight while thinking of this problem.


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## Gazzer

jim honest m8 i am not a spy bud..........that borrower that is a morphed dolphin that sleeps with one eye open like smaug........is causing cacky m8. also.......watchout for that John the flea in cybertronic suit as he drinks neat reideer wee with his sarnies i noticed.

ANT where are you dude we are falling apart here without you.


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## YoungOldUn

Everything in this world seems to be going strange, dolphins, smaug, borrowers, fleas in cybertronic suits what is going on. Me Gaz and Ant were living very well in harmony using our own whistles, to our own religion and commandments when we were invaded by strangers and there is a possibility now that he who must not be mentioned may also be on his way. All it needs now is for the announcement of another intergalactic super highway or another black hole to completely screw the entire AntJimMe world up. Thank goodness its almost chrissy.


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## Gazzer

ok lock changed to the new 35,000 coded retina fingerprint recognising stamp collection.

New rules:

1, all holes in floorboards to be plugged with neutron expanding foamy injector.
2, anyone unlawfully entering gets galoopy poo shoved into left shoe
3, NO dolphins allowed!


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## Gazzer

is it christmas yet Jim? has aunty anty got us any pressies??? havn't seen him in like 32 years (martian years that is)


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## antcole

WHOOOOOOS IN THE HUT?

Give that man a HURRRARAH.... its time for mister Jim to come back in now.

Gazzers back and im back, bearing gifts and stories of strange and wonderful lands ive visited with which i shall beguile the ladies....... stick the kettle on.

Hey has someone done a megger on a biode?


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## Gazzer

Kettles on Aunty......what's a biode? Got some nice sliced batten burger cake in case jim bob comes in too. So where have you been boss man? Did you manage to trace any of those rare lizard milk nozzles you promised


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## antcole

A biode is more or less the largest land mammal known to our world, some say theyre as large as mmmmmmmm and others have reported them as being at least four foot three in diameter.
Ive got you an ashtray and Jim a pen with a lid on the end.

So stories........ yeah........ there was this one time, no wait a minute........ oh yeah, i met this bloke who...... no, hang on that wasnt me...... anyway by the end of it i was three stone lighter and missing a finger!

What do you reckon on that for an experience eh..... not a normal night out im telling you!


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## Gazzer

Has it grown back yet if not why not or is it hibernating until world finger growing day three weeks next Easter bunny? I know that guy you just spoke of, very pleasant chap with breath that could melt cast iron.

Jim
Jim
Jim
Jim
Jim
Jim
Jim

Hmmm maybe he has gone upstairs :wink:


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## YoungOldUn

Mmmmmmm seems strange, last thing I remember is looking for the one who sleeps with one eye open, then B A N G out like a light and dreaming of riding around the forbidden place on the back of a biode, and wanting a new pen.

Damm I need a good Gazzer cuppa of the mega brew, but don't add any more of that ziddle powder like last time. It may be better than viagra but I don't want to be chasing one of them cybertronic fleas around for a quick fumble again.


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## Gazzer

Hey jimbo mimbo bimbo..........glad u back kettles on bud and I've got a new kind of sugar to try out if u fancy? Basically you take 400 gallons of cyber tonic flea love juice......ferment it for 5 years and then decant it into a pair of Aunty ants y-fronts and bingo you have three spoons of a sweet stuff for ya brew. Oh btw I gassed the borrowers in the floor boards! Was an accident tbh I had three bunches of those reduced zoom a beans while sat on the floor and within 30 seconds a blue haze was erupting. Hope they didn't suffer to much.


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## antcole

Try the house of fun, its quicker if you run...... this is a chemist, nnnnnnot a joke shop!

Were in for it now! Gazzer you blundering fool, youve doomed us! Some of the borrowers are a protected species..... The only other colony in existence lives in Cilla Blacks hat, which is why shes not been in the public eye for a while.

Jim, we gotta think fast here or Gaz is done for!


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## Gazzer

well no one told me!!!! i'll hide over here ---------------------------------->behind the new 12mm flat screen dishwasher


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## Gazzer

Jim ant are u guys back yet as borrowers have taken all the biccies


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## Gazzer

burger me backwards John boy has jimbob or aunty ant ever been seen again


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## John-H

I never know where anything or anyone is is these days.


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