# More Top Tips...(non pc)



## Thumper (Nov 4, 2002)

1. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

2. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

3. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up your backside, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

4. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

6. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

7. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

8. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

9. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

10. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and grab every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

11. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

12. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody
of attractive women in bikinis.

13. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets

14. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense
of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.


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