# No toilet roll !!!!!!!!!!



## thehornster

Busting for a shit today.  ..run to the toilet ...just dropped arse in time to heave a havanna...then noticed no poxy toilet roll. :x :x 
Had to use one of my favourite socks to wipe my arse :? 
Whats so funny,what would you have used ????? :? I will be billing Gravesham council for Â£4.99 to replace socks.... :roll:


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## paulatt

thehornster said:


> Had to use one of my favourite socks to wipe my arse :?


Only one of your socks!! 

Gosh you are an efficient wiper..........


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## YELLOW_TT

i bet you will check first from now on


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## Lisa.

You poo'd in a public toilet?????

No way! That's disgusting :wink:


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## Carlos

What is the point of emerging with only one clean sock? May as well use both of them to ensure a cleaner result.

With only the one sock used, I wouldn't want to be doing your laundry, did you have to chuck the gregs as well?


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## ']['']['

Thanks for the great visual to start my day. :lol:


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## Antwerpman

Did you do it `striptease` styleeeeee when you grab the sock front and back and slide it back and forth through the crack? :lol:


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## thehornster

Antwerpman said:


> Did you do it `striptease` styleeeeee when you grab the sock front and back and slide it back and forth through the crack? :lol:


Yep you got it.it was a thick sock and i managed to get a good bum floss!!!
Although with this technique you do have to be careful not to drag it onto the back of your balls   :lol:
If it had been more than a double wipe i would have had to sacrifice a t shirt sleeve i think :roll:


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## ']['']['

Antwerpman said:


> Did you do it `striptease` styleeeeee when you grab the sock front and back and slide it back and forth through the crack? :lol:


More visuals !!! LOL


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## Kell

This is quite possibly the funniest thread I've read in ages.


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## DXN

:lol: Heave a havanah
:lol:

Could have been worse you may of only had a Â£20 note to use.


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## thehornster

' said:


> ['']['":4v4anr8o]
> 
> 
> Antwerpman said:
> 
> 
> 
> Did you do it `striptease` styleeeeee when you grab the sock front and back and slide it back and forth through the crack? :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> More visuals !!! LOL
Click to expand...


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## BAMTT

Good thread :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: The old 2 minute warning eh when you gotta go you gotta go, been caught out before now carry a packet of baby wipes inn the car


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## ']['']['

BAMTT said:


> Good thread :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: The old 2 minute warning eh when you gotta go you gotta go, been caught out before now carry a packet of baby wipes inn the car


What did you use the first time?


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## thehornster

BAMTT said:


> Good thread :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: The old 2 minute warning eh when you gotta go you gotta go, been caught out before now carry a packet of baby wipes inn the car


Ive now decided to keep these on me at all times


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## BAMTT

' said:


> ['']['":38fc85j5]
> 
> 
> BAMTT said:
> 
> 
> 
> Good thread :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: The old 2 minute warning eh when you gotta go you gotta go, been caught out before now carry a packet of baby wipes inn the car
> 
> 
> 
> What did you use the first time?
Click to expand...

Got the 2 minute warning and had to stop off at a colleagues on the way home from work, had no toilet rolls either, he went out to get some whilst i was on the big white phone, while he was out his better half + kid returned from the park  fortunately he got back 2 mins later, and explained it to her, she then made me cup of tea whilst i used a can of her Impulse to disguise my embarrassment!!!!!!

Twas a source of amusement for many weeks

In the words of the scouts "Always be prepared"


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## mike_bailey

BAMTT said:


> ' said:
> 
> 
> 
> ['']['":zctiw1b6]
> 
> 
> BAMTT said:
> 
> 
> 
> Good thread :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: The old 2 minute warning eh when you gotta go you gotta go, been caught out before now carry a packet of baby wipes inn the car
> 
> 
> 
> What did you use the first time?
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Got the 2 minute warning and had to stop off at a colleagues on the way home from work, had no toilet rolls either, he went out to get some whilst i was on the big white phone, while he was out his better half + kid returned from the park  fortunately he got back 2 mins later, and explained it to her, she then made me cup of tea whilst i used a can of her Impulse to disguise my embarrassment!!!!!!
> 
> Twas a source of amusement for many weeks
> 
> In the words of the scouts "Always be prepared"
Click to expand...

Could have been worse - your colleague could have bought Izal Medicated [smiley=bigcry.gif]


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## thehornster

On the same subject.Dont you hate it when theres only one bloody square of paper.You try desperatly to wipe your arse and not put your finger through it. Then you try to fold it and use it again,just hoping its not a tripple wiper!!! :?  wheres a ghost poo(aka the slippy) when you need it(you know the ones that just slip out without debris remaining,and you wonder if you actually went)










Please go to my poo reference chart http://www.digital-laughter.com/poopie.htm


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## Dotti

thehornster said:


> Busting for a shit today.  ..run to the toilet ...just dropped arse in time to heave a havanna...then noticed no poxy toilet roll. :x :x
> Had to use one of my favourite socks to wipe my arse :?
> Whats so funny,what would you have used ????? :? I will be billing Gravesham council for Â£4.99 to replace socks.... :roll:


 :lol: ..... and what did you do with the socks you used? :lol:


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## jampott

Giving birth to a chocolate otter... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## kingcutter

I think that may have been more information than we needed. :?


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## BAMTT

And this a link off another forum members posted link http://www.crystalpro.com/coolstuff/dump2.htm


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## A3DFU

thehornster said:


> Busting for a shit today.  ..run to the toilet ...just dropped arse in time to heave a havanna...then noticed no poxy toilet roll. :x :x
> Had to use one of my favourite socks to wipe my arse :?
> Whats so funny,what would you have used ????? :? I will be billing Gravesham council for Â£4.99 to replace socks.... :roll:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Never forget the news paper!!!!!!!


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## dimitt

shit happens dude!!


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## A3DFU

dimitt said:


> shit happens dude!!


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## slg

I'm in stitches reading this post, wife asks what's so funny, let her read this - never seen such a look of disgust before - makes it even funnier!   :?


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## paulatt

I had a similar experience recently while out running with my dog around my local playing fields.

Felt a desperate, urgent need to relieve myself so found some suitable bushes in order to do a discreet Paula Radcliffe.

All I had to wipe was one of the dog's pooper bags that was in my pocket. Luckily the dog had already relieved himself earlier.......


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## Lisa.

paulatt said:


> I had a similar experience recently while out running with my dog around my local playing fields.
> 
> Felt a desperate, urgent need to relieve myself so found some suitable bushes in order to do a discreet Paula Radcliffe.
> 
> All I had to wipe was one of the dog's pooper bags that was in my pocket. Luckily the dog had already relieved himself earlier.......


I think we're all stunned by that admission Paula  :roll:


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## thehornster

jampott said:


> Giving birth to a chocolate otter... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


I like that :lol: :lol: 
anyone else got sayings for taking a dump,they always make me giggle
like : I'm Going for a forest gump! or Taking an Eartha Kitt


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## Nando

thehornster said:


> jampott said:
> 
> 
> 
> Giving birth to a chocolate otter... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> I like that :lol: :lol:
> anyone else got sayings for taking a dump,they always make me giggle
> like : I'm Going for a forest gump! or Taking an Eartha Kitt
Click to expand...

always preferred _*"laying a cable"*_ myself


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## genocidalduck

Nando said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> jampott said:
> 
> 
> 
> Giving birth to a chocolate otter... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> I like that :lol: :lol:
> anyone else got sayings for taking a dump,they always make me giggle
> like : I'm Going for a forest gump! or Taking an Eartha Kitt
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> always preferred _*"laying a cable"*_ myself
Click to expand...

i like "gotta drop the kids of at the pool"


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## Hannibal

genocidalduck said:


> Nando said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> jampott said:
> 
> 
> 
> Giving birth to a chocolate otter... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> I like that :lol: :lol:
> anyone else got sayings for taking a dump,they always make me giggle
> like : I'm Going for a forest gump! or Taking an Eartha Kitt
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> always preferred _*"laying a cable"*_ myself
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> i like "gotta drop the kids of at the pool"
Click to expand...

I like ertha kitt (but don't use it myself) and I have a friend who uses 'giving birth to a frenchman' which tickles me....but personally it's not something I announce.

H


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## Dotti

paulatt said:


> I had a similar experience recently while out running with my dog around my local playing fields.
> 
> Felt a desperate, urgent need to relieve myself so found some suitable bushes in order to do a discreet Paula Radcliffe.
> 
> All I had to wipe was one of the dog's pooper bags that was in my pocket. Luckily the dog had already relieved himself earlier.......


Did you squat or cock ya leg Paula? :lol: :-*


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## BAMTT

One could always go for a Richard (III)


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## slg

never used thempersonally but have heard " going to send one down the Clyde" or "drop a log."

Have heard that a guy at work goes to "crack one off in the toilet" - is that the same thing?


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## LB

slg,

"cracking one off" doesn't give me the image of going to the loo, I've always understood that saying to be related to the "money" shot.


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## Nando

slg said:


> Have heard that a guy at work goes to "crack one off in the toilet" - is that the same thing?


Afraid not.


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## r1

Dropping the hammer. :lol:


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## Kell

Hannibal said:


> I like ertha kitt (but don't use it myself) and I have a friend who uses 'giving birth to a frenchman' which tickles me....but personally it's not something I announce.
> 
> H


You have a friend thta 'gives birth to a Frenchman' and it tickles you?

Just how close are you? :wink:


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## YELLOW_TT

sorry but i think you are all talking crap :lol:


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## vlastan

This is a very disgusting thread! :lol: :lol:

I always check there is toilet paper before I even undo my pants. I don't like wasting socks! :lol:


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## DXN

See an old friend off to the coast


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## myk

Break off a length of spine

Release a chocolate hostage


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## BAMTT

Drop the kids off at the pool


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## johnnyboy

Who was the football manager that used the excuse that he was rushing home because he had diarrhea when he was stopped for speeding was it Alex Ferguson.


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## NykS5

Paula - I see you in a new light :lol:


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## A3DFU

NykS5 said:


> Paula - I see you in a new light :lol:


Nicky  
.
.
.
.
.
.
:wink: :lol:


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## TJS

what you need is a train/bus ticket:

1. fold ticket in half

2. tear semi-circular hole in the folded end

3. open to reveal neat hole in centre of ticket

4. insert finger in hole and clear debris from arse

5. remove ticket from finger collecting said debris at the same time

6. use the edge of ticket to clean shit from under the fingernail

7. flush ticket


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## thehornster

TJS said:


> what you need is a train/bus ticket:
> 
> 1. fold ticket in half
> 
> 2. tear semi-circular hole in the folded end
> 
> 3. open to reveal neat hole in centre of ticket
> 
> 4. insert finger in hole and clear debris from arse
> 
> 5. remove ticket from finger collecting said debris at the same time
> 
> 6. use the edge of ticket to clean shit from under the fingernail
> 
> 7. flush ticket


I hope i never meet you and shake your hand :lol: :lol: :lol:: :wink:


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## TJS

.... it certainly stops you biting your nails and picking your nose !!!


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## Nando

i always thought the circle from step 2 was to assist with step 6 :? [smiley=toilet.gif]


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## A3DFU

Someone will say soon that this forum is going down the hole  [smiley=toilet.gif] :wink:


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## Hev

TJS said:


> what you need is a train/bus ticket:
> 
> 1. fold ticket in half
> 
> 2. tear semi-circular hole in the folded end
> 
> 3. open to reveal neat hole in centre of ticket
> 
> 4. insert finger in hole and clear debris from arse
> 
> 5. remove ticket from finger collecting said debris at the same time
> 
> 6. use the edge of ticket to clean shit from under the fingernail
> 
> 7. flush ticket


allegedly you can apply this same principle to a sheet of toilet paper  
- don't think the paper would have the desired effect at stage 6 tho :?

Toilet humour - makes everyone smile :roll:

Hev x


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## Private Prozac

Sitting at work, reading this and having to hold my hand tight against my mouth in order not to blurt out a huge amount of laughter.

This is pure class. Well done Hornster. :lol:


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## thehornster

auditt260bhp said:


> Sitting at work, reading this and having to hold my hand tight against my mouth in order not to blurt out a huge amount of laughter.
> 
> This is pure class. Well done Hornster. :lol:


thanks ,its nice to know ive done something right :?  :wink: :lol: :lol:


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## genocidalduck

Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.

The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.


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## thehornster

genocidalduck said:


> Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.
> 
> The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.


But,are you a washer or a walker?? (wash or not to wash ones hands after taking a shit .in laymens terms!)


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## genocidalduck

thehornster said:


> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.
> 
> The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.
> 
> 
> 
> But,are you a washer or a walker?? (wash or not to wash ones hands after taking a shit .in laymens terms!)
Click to expand...

Depends on if one gets any over his hands or not


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## thehornster

genocidalduck said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.
> 
> The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.
> 
> 
> 
> But,are you a washer or a walker?? (wash or not to wash ones hands after taking a shit .in laymens terms!)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Depends on if one gets any over his hands or not
Click to expand...

Errrr you dirty bugger.but why is it we always have to have a look at it before we flush it away.....i like to look and think.. :wink: ..Look what i made :lol: :lol:


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## genocidalduck

thehornster said:


> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.
> 
> The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.
> 
> 
> 
> But,are you a washer or a walker?? (wash or not to wash ones hands after taking a shit .in laymens terms!)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Depends on if one gets any over his hands or not
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Errrr you dirty bugger.but why is it we always have to have a look at it before we flush it away.....i like to look and think.. :wink: ..Look what i made :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

Your the proud father of a 2lb chocolate log


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## thehornster

genocidalduck said:


> thehornster said:
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> genocidalduck said:
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> thehornster said:
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> 
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> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.
> 
> The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.
> 
> 
> 
> But,are you a washer or a walker?? (wash or not to wash ones hands after taking a shit .in laymens terms!)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Depends on if one gets any over his hands or not
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Errrr you dirty bugger.but why is it we always have to have a look at it before we flush it away.....i like to look and think.. :wink: ..Look what i made :lol: :lol:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Your the proud father of a 2lb chocolate log
Click to expand...

Ahhhh yeah ...well it would if it weighed bloody 2lbs


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## genocidalduck

thehornster said:


> genocidalduck said:
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> thehornster said:
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> genocidalduck said:
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> thehornster said:
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> genocidalduck said:
> 
> 
> 
> Reading this thread reminded of a topic me and my mates were discussing down the pub. whilst talking general bloke stuff one of my mates asked whilst wiping the ass, which technique do you employ sit down and wipe or stand and wipe, also do you just wipe a few times and flush or do you wipe look, wipe look, wipe look until clean.
> 
> The general consensus was wipe look, wipe look whilst sitting down.
> 
> 
> 
> But,are you a washer or a walker?? (wash or not to wash ones hands after taking a shit .in laymens terms!)
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Depends on if one gets any over his hands or not
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Errrr you dirty bugger.but why is it we always have to have a look at it before we flush it away.....i like to look and think.. :wink: ..Look what i made :lol: :lol:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Your the proud father of a 2lb chocolate log
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Ahhhh yeah ...well it would if it weighed bloody 2lbs
Click to expand...

i thought i was giving a conservative estimate :lol: :lol:


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## thehornster

Youve seen my arse (not in a queer sense) suppose your thinking ,yeah that could pack some shit  :lol: :lol:


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## genocidalduck

thehornster said:


> Youve seen my arse (not in a queer sense) suppose your thinking ,yeah that could pack some shit  :lol: :lol:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: trying to get back on ma chair now :lol: :lol: :lol: your a funny fucker :lol: 

Ok now ive stopped laughing. No i don't think that when i see a persons ass :lol: :lol: Also not in the habit of looking at ass unless the person has 2 off them according to my nephew when commenting on the female form when he was 3 or 4.


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## Dotti

thehornster said:


> Youve seen my arse (not in a queer sense) suppose your thinking ,yeah that could pack some shit  :lol: :lol:


Total eclipse ........ full moon tonight ...........  . Think I will stop there with a few remarks  :wink:


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## Marque

What class, what poise, what ingenuity. May I suggest Sir carries a hankerchief...

I can see this as a test on big brother...


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## thehornster

^Abi^ said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> Youve seen my arse (not in a queer sense) suppose your thinking ,yeah that could pack some shit  :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Total eclipse ........ full moon tonight ...........  . Think I will stop there with a few remarks  :wink:
Click to expand...

Thanks! flattery will get you no where...  :lol: :wink:


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## Dotti

thehornster said:


> ^Abi^ said:
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> 
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> 
> 
> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> Youve seen my arse (not in a queer sense) suppose your thinking ,yeah that could pack some shit  :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Total eclipse ........ full moon tonight ...........  . Think I will stop there with a few remarks  :wink:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Thanks! flattery will get you no where...  :lol: :wink:
Click to expand...

Hehehe  :wink: ....


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## thehornster

My better half read this thread last night and could not see what was so funny. Why is it we find toilet humour so hilairious.... :lol: :lol: :lol: ...."giving birth to a chocolate otter"....hahaha.. still gets me that one :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Dotti

thehornster said:


> My better half read this thread last night and could not see what was so funny. Why is it we find toilet humour so hilairious.... :lol: :lol: :lol: ...."giving birth to a chocolate otter"....hahaha.. still gets me that one :lol: :lol: :lol:


That is just so grossssssssssssssssssssssssss :lol: . Your like naughty little school boys you lot sometimes :lol: :roll:  :wink: :-*


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## thehornster

^Abi^ said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> My better half read this thread last night and could not see what was so funny. Why is it we find toilet humour so hilairious.... :lol: :lol: :lol: ...."giving birth to a chocolate otter"....hahaha.. still gets me that one :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> That is just so grossssssssssssssssssssssssss :lol: . Your like naughty little school boys you lot sometimes :lol: :roll:  :wink: :-*
Click to expand...

Arn't we just :lol: :lol: :wink: [smiley=thumbsup.gif]


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## thehornster

Friend of mine on a stag doo recently has just told me he got caught short.There was no toilet paper and he wasn't wearing any socks!!! He had too use his shirt sleeve.He ended up removing both and the people he was with thought he was making some kind of fashion statement. :? :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## princess sarah

This is the funniest thing I think I have ever read...Chocolate otter!!!
:lol: :lol: I love it!!!!!!!


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## NaughTTy

:lol: :lol: :lol:










BTW this is a chocolate otter:










Don't believe me? - there's even a pedigree


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## thehornster

NaughTTy said:


> :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> 
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> 
> 
> BTW this is a chocolate otter:


Trust me mine look nothing like that...not that ive looked...    :wink:


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## hiTTchy

Can't believe you guys are still talking $h1t :lol: :wink:


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## genocidalduck

hiTTchy said:


> Can't believe you guys are still talking $h1t :lol: :wink:


Always someone on here willing to lower the tone :roll: :wink:


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## A3DFU

now don't you get yor post count up by doing double :roll:


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## tj

Just when you thought the thread had died away......
A friend at work was on his way to Loch Lomond this w/e and got caught short at Hamilton Services. None of the cubicles had any toilet paper but he always carries a small stash (medical condition means he can be caught short anytime) so he's ok. Comes out of his cubicle to find some guy using the sink as a bidet  
Not surprisingly he didn't hang about to see how he dried his arse off. Anyone need to rinse their face :lol:


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## thehornster

Errrrrrrrr Grossssssssssss! :? [smiley=sick2.gif]


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## LakesTTer

Fucking superb!!! :lol: Top thread, really bringing it down to my soldier mentality. Have I got some tales to tell about this subject :wink:

1. Use of issue loo paper. Remember that shiny paper you used to get in hospitals?? I think there was a green cross on the wrapper, anyway, our issue poo paper was like this, a bit waxy. Take a square of said paper, fold in half and rip out a small semi-circle in the centre, when you reopen square you have a perfect circle smack dab in the middle. Insert Saturday night pinky through hole, ensuring knuckles are well covered by overhanging paper, you're ready to rock and roll, do a bit of crevicing(sp) then wipe pinky with the clean side of the paper. Easy :lol:

2. The Phantom Turd Burgler. You may have heard this before, tough shit :lol: it's funny. Whilst on exercise, going to the loo is a bit of a mission, we call it going for a shovel recce. You dig a hole, bomb the bass, then fill the hole back in. There used to be a trend of following a mate (at a discreet distance), when he went into the woods. The pooee would dig the hole, take aim and let one go. The follower would slide a second spade above target area, catching the spicy package. Pooee would turn round to evalutate battle damage, only to find poo disappearance :lol: :lol: Returning to the rest of sheepishly or grumbling like a bastard.

I've another, but I'll save it for later.


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## thehornster

LakesTTer said:


> I've another, but I'll save it for later.


O come on don't tease!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Dotti

thehornster said:


> LakesTTer said:
> 
> 
> 
> I've another, but I'll save it for later.
> 
> 
> 
> O come on don't tease!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

Maybe he's run out of toilet paper and gotta hold it! :lol:


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## LakesTTer

Ok, here we go. First you need to try and picture this as it unfolds(boom, boom).
Many years ago, I was home on leave and out drinking on a Saturday night, I came out of the club to find no taxis available so I decided I'd walk home, a distance of about 2 miles. Anyone who has driven from Bowness to Windermere will concur that it is all uphill all the way, a contributing factor to the tale. 
Anyway, about 3/4 of the way up the hill my mums house is on, I get the grumbles and the icy chill of realization cuts through the drunkeness. I adopt the usual position for tabbing uphill(scrunched over and leaning into the incline), which perpetuates further bowel wobbles, I get to the house only to find I'd left my key with my younger brother. 
No problem, mum always leaves a spare under the shoe scraper. Bugger!! it's not there  I've now got BPOTC(Bit Pokin' Out, Touching Cloth). The usual procedure for gaining entry is, climb onto conservatory roof, go to corner of house, stand on the sticky out drainpipe and open big bathroom window by leaning in through small bathroom window. A precarious operation in itself, now hampered by Galloping Pyaka.
Gaining entry now becomes eclipsed by the need to lose about 2 stone, so I shuffle to the back of dads greenhouse, drop kecks and the relief is tremendous.
Cut to.......................dad going round the garden with his hoe(the gardening tool) in the morning, cleaning up after their dog has "Done her rounds". I am woken by all the shouting, culminating with my dad yelling "*Eilleen, get this fucking dog to the vets*" :lol: :lol: 
He still doesn't know it was me 8)


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## thehornster

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Probably didn't remember feeding sweetcorn to the dog!!!


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## LakesTTer

:lol: :lol: :lol: The more I think about it, the more surreal it becomes. Mums dog was a Gloden cocker Spaniel, about the same size as a cat. That turd I left behind was fucking mahoossive, like when the chick is trying to find out what the Triceratops had to eat that was making it ill, in Jurassic Park :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Dotti

My god LakesTTer, you are bad! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## A3DFU

Poor cat ----> muuaahhh :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## mike_bailey

This thread keeps floating back to the top


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## A3DFU

mike_bailey said:


> This thread keeps floating back to the top


What  How old is your daughter now, Mike? She was only born yesterday!!!!!!!


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## Dotti

A3DFU said:


> mike_bailey said:
> 
> 
> 
> This thread keeps floating back to the top
> 
> 
> 
> What  How old is your daughter now, Mike? She was only born yesterday!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

Wouldn't like to give birth to a baby that size!


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## thehornster

^Abi^ said:


> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> mike_bailey said:
> 
> 
> 
> This thread keeps floating back to the top
> 
> 
> 
> What  How old is your daughter now, Mike? She was only born yesterday!!!!!!!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Wouldn't like to give birth to a baby that size!
Click to expand...

Bet that would bring tears to the eyes


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## A3DFU

thehornster said:


> ^Abi^ said:
> 
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> 
> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> mike_bailey said:
> 
> 
> 
> This thread keeps floating back to the top
> 
> 
> 
> What  How old is your daughter now, Mike? She was only born yesterday!!!!!!!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Wouldn't like to give birth to a baby that size!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Bet that would bring tears to the eyes
Click to expand...

It would be OUTCH!!!!!!


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## Dotti

Couldn't eat a whole one either!


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## ObiWan

New on the forum, searching merrily away to see what is about and stumbled on this gem - had me in stitches, bet Peter Kay is using this before the years out :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## A3DFU

ObiWan said:


> New on the forum, searching merrily away to see what is about and stumbled on this gem - had me in stitches, bet Peter Kay is using this before the years out :lol: :lol: :lol:


Watch your step ObiWan .... and check out the _Jokes_ board :wink:


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## ObiWan

A3DFU said:


> ObiWan said:
> 
> 
> 
> New on the forum, searching merrily away to see what is about and stumbled on this gem - had me in stitches, bet Peter Kay is using this before the years out :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Watch your step ObiWan .... and check out the _Jokes_ board :wink:
Click to expand...

Are you telling me I should pull my socks up before some TT driver wipes his arse with them? [smiley=toilet.gif]


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## A3DFU

ObiWan said:


> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ObiWan said:
> 
> 
> 
> New on the forum, searching merrily away to see what is about and stumbled on this gem - had me in stitches, bet Peter Kay is using this before the years out :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Watch your step ObiWan .... and check out the _Jokes_ board :wink:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Are you telling me I should pull my socks up before some TT driver wipes his arse with them? [smiley=toilet.gif]
Click to expand...

No comment, just a frindly warning :roll:


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## mike_bailey

A3DFU said:


> mike_bailey said:
> 
> 
> 
> This thread keeps floating back to the top
> 
> 
> 
> What  How old is your daughter now, Mike? She was only born yesterday!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

Whoops, missed this while I was in Spain.

I'm surprised anybody spots my little girl on my discrete sig pics  
19 months old, has learnt how to express an opinion so I've got no chance now :?


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## Dotti

mike_bailey said:


> 19 months old, has learnt how to express an opinion so I've got no chance now :?


Blinding! That is so young to be expressing an opinion at 19 month old LOL. I have heard teenage girls are well bad :lol:  :wink: . Long way off for you yet, although it will give you something to look forward to


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## ObiWan

A3DFU said:


> ObiWan said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ObiWan said:
> 
> 
> 
> New on the forum, searching merrily away to see what is about and stumbled on this gem - had me in stitches, bet Peter Kay is using this before the years out :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Watch your step ObiWan .... and check out the _Jokes_ board :wink:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Are you telling me I should pull my socks up before some TT driver wipes his arse with them? [smiley=toilet.gif]
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> No comment, just a frindly warning :roll:
Click to expand...

I promise I will only poo at home when I am not wearing any socks. Thanks for the advice


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## A3DFU

ObiWan said:


> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ObiWan said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ObiWan said:
> 
> 
> 
> New on the forum, searching merrily away to see what is about and stumbled on this gem - had me in stitches, bet Peter Kay is using this before the years out :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Watch your step ObiWan .... and check out the _Jokes_ board :wink:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Are you telling me I should pull my socks up before some TT driver wipes his arse with them? [smiley=toilet.gif]
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> No comment, just a frindly warning :roll:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I promise I will only poo at home when I am not wearing any socks. Thanks for the advice
Click to expand...

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

At least you have been spared V's infamous thread (so far anyway) [smiley=end.gif]


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## thehornster

Well anyone else had any poo problems since this thread began?? :?

i double check now so ive been ok since


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## Carlos

Some of my favourites not already mentioned are:

Brown trout
Crimp one off
Pinch off a loaf


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## A3DFU

thehornster said:


> Well anyone else had any poo problems since this thread began?? :?


Never had any in my life :roll:


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## Richard W

Just the funniest thing I've seen for ages!!!

I do remember the 'phantom turd burglar' trick from my time in green :lol: :lol:

Fave expression is: gotta go - turtles' pokin' it's head out


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## thehornster

A3DFU said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well anyone else had any poo problems since this thread began?? :?
> 
> 
> 
> Never had any in my life :roll:
Click to expand...

Not even a Tandoori Bum Tingler :-*


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## A3DFU

thehornster said:


> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well anyone else had any poo problems since this thread began?? :?
> 
> 
> 
> Never had any in my life :roll:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Not even a Tandoori Bum Tingler :-*
Click to expand...

Nothing, not even that after a Vindaloo :lol:


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## ObiWan

A3DFU said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well anyone else had any poo problems since this thread began?? :?
> 
> 
> 
> Never had any in my life :roll:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Not even a Tandoori Bum Tingler :-*
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Nothing, not even that after a Vindaloo :lol:
Click to expand...

To much information :?


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## thehornster

A3DFU said:


> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A3DFU said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thehornster said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well anyone else had any poo problems since this thread began?? :?
> 
> 
> 
> Never had any in my life :roll:
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Not even a Tandoori Bum Tingler :-*
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Nothing, not even that after a Vindaloo :lol:
Click to expand...

Blimey a real woman !!


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## TTotal

Can't stay - there's one in the bomb bay.


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## ratty

TTotal said:


> Can't stay - there's one in the bomb bay.


Wont keep you then otherwise it will feel like you are giving birth...... [smiley=toilet.gif]


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## TTotal

Wish I could stay for a chat but I...

"Have to take the kids to the pool"

:roll:


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## thehornster

Don't lower the tone please.........................cos i did it months ago!

Apparently the auzzies say " Going for a Edger Brit" Whoever that is :?


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## jampott

My all-time favourite is still "Giving birth to a chocolate otter"


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## NaughTTy

Heard a new one at lunch time - "Need to do some filing in drawer number 2" :?


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## ObiWan

As the Russians and at least one German says "Toughshitzkey"


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## thehornster

jampott said:


> My all-time favourite is still "Giving birth to a chocolate otter"


I must agree this was the winner!! :lol:



NaughTTy said:


> Heard a new one at lunch time - "Need to do some filing in drawer number 2" :?


Classic :lol:


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## TTotal

When I got the kids to the pool, the little sods just wouldnt jump in :?


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## thehornster

TTotal said:


> When I got the kids to the pool, the little sods just wouldnt jump in :?


Exlax may help the little buggers jump!!


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## ratty

.
Must go.....'the tortoise's head is sticking out'

http://www.********.co.uk/gallery/ratty/Tortise3.jpg

:roll:


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## TTotal

or " Touching cloth " :lol:


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## A3DFU

ObiWan said:


> As the Russians and at least one German says "Toughshitzkey"


Just omit the "e" and change the "z" for an "s" and you got it :wink: 
Toughshitsky.

Oh, and I first read it on a birthday card to Ron from his brother :lol: :lol: :lol:


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