# Ever been to church?



## jdn (Aug 26, 2002)

Oldie but a goodie!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters (or 
word processing programs). These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins 
or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be 
speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the 
Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action 
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a 
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has 
been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our 
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church 
help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this 
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't 
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the 
choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs 
blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message 
after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married 
on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening 
in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon 
topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due 
to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and 
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope 
along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker 
and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine 
dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and 
medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off 
clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing 
in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday 
morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies 
of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet 
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting 
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First 
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's 
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get 
High."


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