# Best Man Speech



## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

I have the proud task of being best man at a wedding in a months time. Luckily for me its in the Cayman Islands 8) Unluckily I have the uneviable task of doing the best man speech :-[

Now I'm not a funny person (although my girlfriend might disagree) so my worst fear is having a Vic and Bob tumbleweed moment.

Does anyone thats been there and done it or that has any experience of public speaking have any pointers or tips?

Starting to really crap it as the time is getting nearer :-/

Any help greatly appreciated.

Cheers

Craig


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## Dubcat (Jun 10, 2002)

Go to the toilet before you make your speech.

Just before you have to stand up and speak take some medium breaths in but then exhale out for much longer then you breathed in. Do this several times. Taking a deep breath will just make you more nervous.. its exhaling deeply that will calm your nerves.

Don't fiddle while talking. Don't fiddle with your cue cards or speech cheat sheet. Don't fiddle with the mic. Don't fiddle with your hands in your pockets. You get the idea.

Use a few que cards with reminders as to what you're going to talk about. Don't try to read your entire speech of a sheet of paper whatever you do.

That's all I can think of - hope someone else can help you ( you lucky git ) 

phoTToniq


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## vlastan (May 6, 2002)

If you are so nervous...why don't you take me with you and let me do the speech? I will come for free...you only pay for the flights and the accommodation!! ;D


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Cheers phoTToniq

The deep breath thing sounds good.

One of my mates suggested a large whiskey before the speech but I reckon that'll do more harm than good


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Vlastan thanks for the offer but the groom is counting on me - plus the flight and accomodation is preventing me getting RS4's and the Revo mod so no can do


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## mike_bailey (May 7, 2002)

The groom is expecting you to be yourself so be just that, honest and true. If you can't recall any funny experiences about the groom then tell one about yourself or better still about other people at the event - as long as the stories don't embarass them then you'll probably succeed in engaging your audience. Also, always exagerate stories to get the maximum laughs, nobody cares at a wedding as they just want to be entertained.

I've done it a couple of times and been just as nervous. At the first I got fairly pickled in advance and I think that this combined with the adrenalin rush saw me through (plus the jokes about how all of my mates have shagged the bride Â ;D).

Good luck (you lucky booger) Â .


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Thanks Mike your first comment is very true.

Just for some background - its a wedding of my best mate who I don't get to see very often. I haven't been to where he lives since he met his bride to be. So as a consequence I have never met her or her family :-/

As the wedding is where it is I am the only representative he has there - glutton for punishment me!

Makes it twice as hard as I have no idea of the audience I will be talking to. Therefore jokes about shagging his missus will probably get me and the groom laughing followed by a swift slap


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## r14n (Jan 10, 2003)

Following on from PhoTToniq point of going to to toilet, your opening line should be read from your cue card...............

" this is not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand " 

Worked for me as a best man opening line, but I knew most of the crowd.

Just be short and sweet, and make a fuss of the Beautiful bridesmaid(s) 
Its always good to start the evenings work / conquest on a positive note.


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Ha, Superb.

Thats the other thing I am looking forward to - I understand that it is my duty to dance with every female present ;D

My girlfriend is not particularly impressed with this stage of the proceedings but its tradition and who am I to ignore tradition?


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## TwickTT (May 7, 2002)

I start with a joke, and this is my favourite for opening the speech.

Being asked to be the best man at a wedding is like making love to the Queen, a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

To be honest worked better when the Quenn Mum was alive, but a bit sick if you 'use' her!!

Most male members of the audience will symbolise and be on your side!!


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Nice one TwickTT - maybe we should move this thread to the Jokes section? 

You are all making me feel better so keep em coming!

Also if anyone had any horrific things happen that I should look out for then they will also be useful - not just speech-wise but generally.


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## r14n (Jan 10, 2003)

CHECK YOUR FLIES   

Avoid rich food the night before, dont want to turn into jonny fart pants. :-[


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Could be the funniest moment of the day


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## raven (May 7, 2002)

I found it a lot easier when I realised that you don't have to be completely honest! I would go for it on the artistic license, and if you want any tips on what to cover / not to cover, have a look on the many marriage websites - eg www.hitched.co.uk. However, don't be too led by the sample speeches, they are appalling...


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## chip (Dec 24, 2002)

Just done the BestMan bit 2 weeks ago.

If you don't like addressing an audience or crap at telling jokes (like me), have you tried doing a Powerpoint presentation? The slides helps deflects the attentions off you. Best to decide a theme for the dodgy photos you want to show e.g. I chose the theme "Past" and "Present" on the groom. Spent ages locating 100's of pictures on the groom, then matched up "past" and "present" pictures e.g. past and present pictures of the groom wearing dodgy clothes, etc...

Point I put across to the audience is that the groom's behaviour/dress sense hasn't changed since he was a kid!! Achieved my main objection of embarassing the groom without been too crude. MaKe sure pictures are not too crude as some of the "older" audience may not be as broadminded as you. (deciding which picture to censor was the hardest part!).

Oh yeah, you have to put in the usual crap about how lovely the bride look (even if she's a minger!).


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## simonm (May 8, 2002)

Remember it is a honour to be Best man. Once it's over you will be on top of the world, and feel like you could do a hundred more!

From personal experience:


A few bevvies may help, but not too much![/*]
Abuse anybody you want as long as it's the groom - but remember, would you appreciate the same thing said at your wedding?[/*]
Most of the audience will be half-cut and everything you say will be twice as funny as you think it really is.[/*]
Preperation is key, have some cards and run through your speech as many times as possible before it is 'show-time'. Your Girlfriend should be sick of it by the wedding day![/*]
Whenever you get inspiration for content, write it down straightaway - I wrote most of one at 3am in bed on my laptop. If something comes to your mind, write it down a.s.a.p. otherwise you will forget it.[/*]
Ask the groom is there is any formal stuff you need to say, like mentioning the bridesmaids or something. I got dumped on being toastmaster 20 mins before the reception ???[/*]
Enjoy it[/*]

Good Luck, if nothing else you will get a good suntan!

Simon


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## Stu-Oxfordshire (May 7, 2002)

I have done this 3 times now and it gets easier....

2 points:

1. Never forget the 6 P's

2. As per previous threads the opening line is beneficial to the speech - I used the christians to the lions, one christian who survived being thrown to the lions in front of a massive audience did so by whispering something in their ear and they backed off instead of eating him.......caesar, puzzled, got him in front of him later and asked him his secret......christian replied: *".ah....I have no secret your majesty, I merely informed the lions that as soon as they finish their dinner they will have to give a speech to their assembled guests"....*


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Chaps,

Just got into work and read all the replies - some excellent advice all round. Good website as well for a bit of inspiration although I agree some of the speeches leave a lot to be desired :-/

I have a rough, and I mean rough draft that has the usual beginning, middle and end I just need to expand on it a lot.

You are right my girlfriend will be sick of it by the time the day comes around.

Thanks for all the advice and the good luck wishes. This forum is a wealth of information 

I'll post back in May with how it all went.

Cheers

Craig


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## proeliator2001 (Feb 26, 2003)

A friend compared the bride and groom to houses - her, a lovely victorian property in a good area, large double bay windows, well kept hedge, etc etc, him a rundown semi, not much up top in need of renovation etc etc. Can be rude without offense (especially if the crowd are a bit think) and certainly a little different.


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

If you want me to mail you the last one I did, then send me an IM.

While it was tailored to fit my mate, there were some generic jokes in there too.

You have to bear in mind though that it was his second wedding and therefore my second time as his best man...


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

In fact...

Now when Gary first asked me to be his best man, I was honouredâ€¦

Puzzled look.

Check other pocket; bring out second speechâ€¦

Sorry, must have left that in there from last time.

Now when Gary asked me to be his best man for the second time, I was even more honoured.

Joking aside, I do feel incredibly proud and happy to be here to support Gary on his wedding day.

Again.

Now if thereâ€™s anybody out there that hasnâ€™t had to make a best manâ€™s speech before, Iâ€™ll try and explain the feeling for you. I kind of feel like Iâ€™ve inherited a harem, I know exactly what to do, but I just donâ€™t know where to start.

The traditional start of course is to thank Gary for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids. So, er, Gary on behalf of the bridesmaids Iâ€™d like to thank you for your kind words. The other fairly common, if not actually traditional, way to start a best manâ€™s speech is to say itâ€™s a bit like making love to the Queen Mother a great honour, but nobody wants to do it (in fact, I think Garyâ€™s used that very joke before). Though in light of recent events, itâ€™s probably not in the best taste.

I have to say though, that while Iâ€™m nervous doing this speech, I donâ€™t think I was quite as nervous as Gary was before doing his. Iâ€™m not saying he was panicking or anything, but I went to the toilet after he did this morning, and I found this in the bowl.

[Hold up brick]

But you donâ€™t want to hear about what he does in the toilet.

You want to hear about the time that he decided to meet up with some girls in Newcastle after talking to them in one of those Chat-line places, but when he saw them, decided they didnâ€™t meet his incredibly high standards and kept on walking. In fact, I think theyâ€™re still there at the bottom of Greyâ€™s monument.

Maybe youâ€™d rather hear about the time that he went to Germany with Siemens on a training course and managed to bend a Mondeo around a lamppost. Mind you, in all fairness, it was a 1.6 so it was probably a little powerful for him.

Or perhaps youâ€™d like me to tell you about the time that he swapped over the tickets at the Longhirst Hall Christmas Party raffle. So that he won Â£50 worth of Auto Glym car cleaning products instead of what he should have won â€" four rather lovely peach satin cushions.

Or possibly, youâ€™d like to hear about the time that he managed to bend the forks on his new mountain bike. Convinced that the shop would never believe the forks just gave way, he decided it would be a good idea to make it look a bit more convincing.

By throwing stones at it.

So being the good friends that we are, we all helped out.

Unfortunately, when he eventually took it back to the shop, the bloke said, Iâ€™m not replacing that â€" it looks like someoneâ€™s been throwing stones at it.

But I wouldnâ€™t want to embarrass Gary on his wedding day, so Iâ€™ll keep those stories a secret and take them with me to the grave.

Instead, why donâ€™t I start at the beginning?

Gary was born on the 19th of March 1972 and shares his birthday with Patrick McGoohan who played #6 in the prisoner. If you donâ€™t remember the programme, let me refresh your memory - he was forever trying to escape from #1. Well Gary managed to escape from #1 but has just been captured by #2.


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

However, I think a much more interesting fact is what happened on this day way back in 1934. For it was on this day in history that the famous Alcatraz prison accepted its first inmates.

Poor young men were dragged away from their families to live a life of confinement. They were endlessly tortured, constantly humiliated and forced to do whatever they were told. But I'm sure that Louise picking today as a date for their wedding day was a complete co-incidence!

Gary is a Germanic name which means Spear-Carrier. Try as I might, I couldnâ€™t find the origins of the name Laskey. However, if you have a quick look in the Yellow Pages when you get home, youâ€™ll see that the Laskeyâ€™s in the area are either Bookmakers or Pig Farmers. Garyâ€™s not much of a gambling man, but I know for a fact that heâ€™s been involved with one or two pigs in his time, so maybe thereâ€™s some truth in that after all.

Iâ€™ve known Gary for a long time, and weâ€™ve been through quite a lot together â€" but luckily I donâ€™t think too many of them are here today. In fact weâ€™ve been friends throughout our school days and Iâ€™d just like to read out this quote from his school report. Before I read out these immortal words however, Iâ€™d appreciate it if you could give Gary and I a moment to remember the woman that wrote them. Mrs Rowlands.

Ahhhh.

Right then, where was I? Oh yes, the school report. 
Mrs Rowlands writes: â€œGary was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.â€
Sorry, her handwriting is a bit poor - that should read: â€œGary was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjectsâ€.

It has to be said though, that while Garyâ€™s academic prowess was somewhat lacking, when it came to P.E. he was very competitive. In fact I still remember one school sports day when he won the sack race by yards. Now, if you look at his current physique you might think that his physical performance these days would be somewhat lacking, but Louise tells me things havenâ€™t changed as much as you might think â€" she assures me he still comes first whenever heâ€™s in the sack.

As we got a little older, Garyâ€™s interestâ€™s turned to Girlâ€™s Clothes. Iâ€™m sorry, that says girls and clothes. In particular, Gary liked to dress like his idols, Bros â€" he had the Grolsch bottle tops on his Dr Martenâ€™s, he put designer rips in his jeans and he even used the same brand of wax in his hair. Mind you, so did I!

Those of you who are about our age will remember Bros, good looking twins with blonde hair, tanned, lean physiques and striking, prominent cheekbones - so it will come as no surprise to learn that Gary thought he was a dead ringer for the lead singer Matt.

Though I will admit the couple of times he went to see Bros in concert at Whitley Bay Ice Rink, he was chased out of the stadium by thousands of screaming girls. Who then shut the door to make sure he couldnâ€™t get back in and spoil their view. Oh yes, ladies and Gentleman, Gary was very much a ladyboy, er ladiesâ€™ man.

After leaving school, Gary went to the college in Ashington to study Hotel & Catering management and while he was never particularly keen on running a hotel, I think we can all see that he took to the catering part of his course with relish. In fact, come to think of it, he enjoys most things with relish. Burgers, Kebabs, KFC. Iâ€™m not saying his waistline has expanded at all, but I saw him put his belt on this morning with a boomerang.

After leaving college, Gary had numerous weird and wonderful jobs but in the back of his mind heâ€™s always had an interest in serving and protecting the public. And I know for a fact that before he became a fireman he was interviewed by the police on numerous occasions.


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

But now that he is a fireman, what does his job involve? Shinning up ladders to rescue young maidens from windows before carrying them to safety on his strong, muscular shoulders. Rushing headlong into a burning building with little regard for his own personal safety to save a young baby before tearfully reuniting mother and child. Even cradling a tiny kitten in his big arms (and we all know who love Big Arms) as he carefully plucks it from its precarious position on a high branch. Let me tell you, Ladies and Gentlemen, Garyâ€™s done, NONE, of those things.

Instead, he goes to work, has something to eat, plays on his Playstation for a couple of hours, has something to eat, manages to get some sleep only to be rudely awoken not seven hours later, for breakfast, and then, tired and exhausted from a hard dayâ€™s work, he makes it home again. For dinner.

And just while weâ€™re on the subject of jobs, I did admire Gary considerably when I found out that he was quite willing to let Louise go out each day and do what she does. But then someone pointed out to me that just because a Maths teacher teaches maths, it doesnâ€™t mean a Head teacher teachesâ€¦well anyway.

Now some of you know that Gary and Louise have just bought a new car and I know theyâ€™re both quite into personalised numberplates. Their old car, if you remember, sported the highly desirable V333 DUB, looked like Vee Dub as it was a Volkswagen you see. (Though he still insists that it was his idea and not mine.)

I happen to know for a fact that their dream number plate, as the new Mr. and Mrs. Laskey would be L45KEY but they decided not to buy it as it costs Â£10,780. Plus VAT.

They donâ€™t know this yet, but Iâ€™ve got a little surprise for them both. I havenâ€™t told them this yet, but I had a bit of a lottery win the other day, and thought as a nice wedding present Iâ€™d get them their dream number plate.

[Hold up Polyboard plate.]

Unfortunately, I only won a tenner, so I had to change my plans slightly. Instead of buying you that number plate Iâ€™ve had your names changed by deed poll to the registration number already on your car. So ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the new Mr and Mrs NG02 FXU.

So I'd just like to say Gary, you are a lucky groom; you've married Louise today and she's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one. I know there are a lot of you out there that have no idea of what itâ€™s like to be happily married, but I also know that there are some single people here today too, but I think youâ€™d all agree that if anyone does deserve to be happily married, itâ€™s Gary and Louise.

Right, well, Iâ€™ll just read out a few of these cards:

Before I sit down, â€˜cos I know youâ€™re sick of the sound of my voice by now, hereâ€™s a little poem Iâ€™ve written.

Congratulations 
On the realisation
Of your infatuation
And the termination 
Of your isolation, 
May I express my adulation 
Admiration
And appreciation 
Of your determination 
To end the desperation 
Of Garyâ€™s masturbaâ€¦oh noâ€¦sorry, I thought Iâ€™d taken that line out.
To end the desperation 
And frustration 
Thatâ€™s caused much consternation 
In giving you the inspiration 
To make this unification 
And bring an accumulation 
To the population
So as I wrap up my salutation
I raise my glass to this combination
and bid good luck to the consummation
letâ€™s hope Gary rises to the occasion
Now cheers, and on with the celebration!

And finally, In closing, Ladies and Gentlemen if I could just ask you to stand and raise your glasses and make a toast to the new Mr and Mrs NG02 FXU.


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

LOL!!

Kell - do you know my mate thats getting hitched?

Uncannily his name is Gary and its his second time 

Plagirism is gonna be rife!!!

Seriously though - thanks for posting there is plenty I can use in that ;D , so long as you don't mind


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

I don't mind at all - it's nerve racking enough as it is. If there's anything there you can use, then please fell free.

Like I said, there are some fairly standard jokes in there, but there are one or two I'm quite proud of.


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Thanks Kell - not surprised you are proud of it - some lines are fairly close to the mark though eh?

You must have known most of the audience before?


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## simonm (May 8, 2002)

Not to sure if the first few lines are reffering to a previous speech or a previous marraige.

It is very, very bad form to mention a previous marraige in the Best Man's speech - someone will be offended.

Simon

PS I'll need to read through the rets of it when I get a chance!


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## sonnyikea (Dec 31, 2002)

Guys,

Got back on Monday from my holiday and just wanted to thank everyone for their words of advice and to Kell for posting his speech. It all went very well and I only cocked up a small amount in the middle.

Got a few laughs and the groom remarked that I had 'done him proud' so I'm fairly pleased, although not sure if I would like to do it again. Wedding was superb outside on the seafront all afternoon and evening.

Great place Cayman if you get a chance to go - as is Cuba but the shock of one compared to the other was slightly overwhelming.

Anyway thanks again people you helped me out a lot.

Cheers
Craig


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## Kell (May 28, 2002)

Just a quick note as I hadn't seen the comment about the 'bad form'.

I checked with the bride as well as her pareents that mentioning the fact my mate was married before would be OK.

If any one of them would have been the slightest bit put out, then I wouldn't have done it.

But good to hear that all went well Craig.


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