# Child Access through courts



## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Hello,

This is somewhat a difficult post to put up but i just want to gather as many facts as I can.

I'm not to sure how to go about it but I'd like to hear from fathers who have had to go through court to gain access to see their children. Ideally from from people who have gone through it recently.

I've spoken with a couple of co-workers who are somewhat older than me and it basically boiled down to mothers defying court orders and with the fathers having to walk away after years of fighting for access.

I've been told the children's Act of 1989 was updated in 2004 to give more equal rights to children to help them have a relationship with their father. If anyone has any factual advice or comments about this I'd really appreciate it.

My wife has no intention of letting me see my son if i leave and will do anything to make me have as little access as I possibly can even if I go through courts. Without going into details it is not because i am a bad father or husband but because she has some mental health problems which she won't acknowledge or seek help for. I've tried for 2 years to help her but now I've had to admit defeat and have come to the stark realization that things are only getting worse.


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## John-H (Jul 13, 2005)

Not an easy post. It's always difficult when relationships break down for whatever reason and especially for the children but they will likely cope.

Courts act in the child's best interest and normally that would be giving access to both parents.

The parent with the child living with them used to have "custody" but the wording was changed to "residency" to reflect that the child's interests were paramount.

The court does tend to favour the mother where residency is disputed but will make an order for contact for the father in the child's interest. A parent flouting an order can be held in contempt but sanction can be difficult to apply as it may affect the child. A court's patience can only go so far but pockets may need to be deep unless aided or representing yourself. There are support groups for this.

If a court believes that a child is in danger through the mental state of a parent then it will take protective steps but there needs to be medical evidence. If there is none then the accusation will likely just be taken as a dispute between parents.

Meditation is the first step however and this is best tried with as much compromise and best effort as possible to avoid future financial and emotional damage to all concerned. This cannot be over emphasised.


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

Lots of help here mate

http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/our-ca ... port-faqs/


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Just read the case studies page. It's reading real life stories like that that make me realise the law is still very one sided.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

Back in 2012 I was going to be getting married. My first child was born and life was great. My now ex was having it off with her coworker every time i went to work.

This was 5 months before the birth and 6 weeks after the birth I came home to an empty house and I knew nothing of what had gone on.

Enough to say my world fell apart. I spent £12000 on courts. I had my baby every week for 3 days. I managed to talk my ex into coming back and she basically ruined me cash wise. I told her to leave me after she badly assaulted me.

I thought I could use this to my advantage (I had it all recorded) but police said it's pointless but it did save me from being arrested as she said i had hit her.

And in the end the ex simply said you can see her whenever you want. I see my now almost 4 year old a lot. We have a great relationship. I don't engage her bloke and I keep it sweet.

Best advice. Work it out if possible or go for access (not home) as you will never win anything else. If your ex is a fruit loop then you need the kid back.

Record every pickup and drop off. I found that saved me as the police played it back.

Feel for you mate. My ex has mental issues too which is something I only learnt after the event.


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## rustyintegrale (Oct 1, 2006)

I went through all this years ago.

Not sure if the same applies now but back then because we weren't married, I had zero parental rights (except when it came to financial support). I was advised by several solicitors that if I chased access through the courts and won I'd have no chance of seeing my kids if she decided to disallow it. Even if she defaulted on a court order I'd have no legal recourse to correct it.

Add to that her admission that she never actually took her contraceptive pills during our short and troublesome affair and you can see why I was a very angry man back then.

I haven't seen my kids for over 13 years. I don't know where they live either. Although it sounds heartless I decided to break all contact after endless fruitless attempts to get an amicable agreement. The doorstep arguments in front of my kids after every weekend were far too much to endure and damaging to them. I felt I had to let them go.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

I don't blame you tbh. When I found out everything and my baby was six weeks. I was tempted to let it all good and the stress was stupid. I however decided no matter what to keep going. I wont give up on my little girl but I understand why you let it go mate.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Thanks for sharing your experiences...i know how hard it is to talk about.

Well it got to the stage where i thought i may have to seek refuge with our son for his well being and apply for a residency order. But things have escalated over the weekend and I have been told by my wife that she is moving to her parents house with our son and that I am not allowed to visit and to go through courts.

I was planning to apply through courts and give her notice a few weeks prior so that i could see him right up until the first court date. But with how things have panned out it seems as though i am going to have to apply and not see him until the first court date which can take 3 months and even then i may not be permitted to see him.

It's really a difficult situation because if i tell the truth my wife will do everything she can to prevent me from seeing him, but i am fed up of covering and protecting her. But on the flip side i don't want to destroy her life and would not want take away a baby from it's mother.

I just can't comprehend how someone can be so vindictive/selfish and put their needs ahead of a child especially considering all the problems stem from their behavior. Not seeing my son is not an option for me so it seems, as much i will loathe myself for doing it, that i am going to have to play hardball.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

How old are you mate and the baby?

I guess you have joint friends. How's that going? Anyone on the inside?


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

well the other option is to live in hell for the rest of my life in the hope things will get better and have the opportunity to influence my son into knowing the difference between right and wrong.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

mhuk01 said:


> How old are you mate and the baby?
> 
> I guess you have joint friends. How's that going? Anyone on the inside?


I'm 34 & little man is 19 months.

The thing is her world is built on painting a perfect picture. So what she tells her friends is far from the truth. Some of them do know as I've spoken to them (in private) and there were shocked at her behavior and the things I was telling them. One did get involved and subsequently she was ex-communicated.

It's really difficult to explain unless you have lived it..but in summary i think she suffers from a combination of Narcissistic and Paranoid Personality disorders. Trouble is, from my experience and research, it's extremely difficult to diagnose as the sufferer never tells the truth to maintain their perception and if they are challenged, the challenger is automatically cut-off so as not to disturb their perception and fragile world.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Basically to summarize in a nutshell...If you have ever seen the film "Gone Girl"...that is my wife.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

I'm 35 and my girl is almost 4. Funny enough I saw Gone Girl last week. Reminded me of my ex. She made a lovely story about me when she left. Later on tape (thank god) I got the truth and how it was all lies. Personally I would get access and leave it unless you fear for the child (sounds like you do) Being her mums on one hand I expect is having the effect of painting you in a bad light but it's also I expect a safer place for the kid. I knew one guy on FB who was flying to spain to see her baby almost weekly.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

What type of access do you have if you don't mind me asking? Any tips/advice/pitfalls etc?

As much i hated to do it i had to make a lot of recordings. Well after the 5th or 6th time she called the police on me for not wanting to do what she dictated, the officer advised me to start recording to protect myself against the allegations.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

Offically I have none. I started the court case and she came back. 3 months later it was over and the case closed. I don't trust my ex but she allows access anytime but my bubba is a long way from here. It's a long story.

I'm not paying child support ect. I offered several times but no answer to the question so I stopped asking. I do however save money and I worked out that I save more each month for my girl then what the support would be. She should have enough to place a desposit on a house (i hope) one day.

Yes you must record it all. Try and get unsupervised (pees me off that term) access. Your the dad but don't expect the world as it's not on offer sadly. I know that sound hard but if you join FB group (fathers for justice) you can see how bad these guys have it.

If you or I was a dad who did not give a shit that would be jst course but you sound like a decent chap.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Thanks. I'm not going to join the FB group...as too frightened to read what may happen.

I've passed over the test messages to the solicitor and am waiting for their response.

This sounds bad to say but i think my saving grace maybe that my wife threatened to, over text, report me with another false rape claim if i ever contacted the police and reported her.

Glad to hear that you get to see your little one.


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## Grizzlebear (Oct 2, 2015)

Firstly you could try and speak to her parents maybe? Keeping it all calm. Life is one big fan and the more shit you chuck the more hits you straight back in the face.
Solicitors tend to sour things so try and keep them to a minimum. I had similar and the court gave me residency because she couldnt cope. But you need to show how great you are NOT how bad she is.
Its all very hard on the soul !


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Not an option to speak to her parents or family. They all make tings worse by defending her behavior and not telling her what she is doing is wrong. A new dent on my car on Sunday which was no doubt caused by her. That is the type of person i am dealing with.

I'm filing for residency. I just find it unbelievable that a parent can put themselves before their child :evil:


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## Grizzlebear (Oct 2, 2015)

My heart goes out to you bud. I remember the smashed screen and s***. Prove you have all childcare sorted and a good stable family life for the child. You cant win by just slinging s***. I wish you all the luck in the world.


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## rustyintegrale (Oct 1, 2006)

nilanth said:


> Not an option to speak to her parents or family. They all make tings worse by defending her behavior and not telling her what she is doing is wrong. A new dent on my car on Sunday which was no doubt caused by her. That is the type of person i am dealing with.
> 
> I'm filing for residency. I just find it unbelievable that a parent can put themselves before their child :evil:


My car was keyed, the bonnet jumped on and the roof stoved in. While I was away my computer was stolen and she found intimate/glamour photos of an ex girlfriend and threatened to pin them to trees in the village. Things of value to me were smashed or broken.

Even now all these years after I have gone out in the morning to find damage to my car. She is completely bonkers. I found out she went round to her ex-husband's brother's house and smashed every single window on the ground floor. The insanity of this situation and the law that finds in favour of her and people like her is very challenging. I wish you a whole lot of luck.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Thanks for the kind words guys. Getting CCTV to cover the front of the office this weekend. It's just frightening to see how how common these type of situations are.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

I never had anything smashed up apart from my body.

As I said I got the recording which the police played back that night. You have to cover your ass. Don't be surprised at how fast your now ex moves on in regards to her life but know when it comes the child she will hold it over you. Wrong move and it's all to s*** again.

I found that while i'm gifted with having my daughter she can also take away privargages if I do anything she dont like. I find life choices are made by her for our daughter and i'm more like the helper. I don't feel im allowed a say.

Take the MMR jab debate. That was a joke.


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## rustyintegrale (Oct 1, 2006)

mhuk01 said:


> I found that while i'm gifted with having my daughter she can also take away privargages if I do anything she dont like. I find life choices are made by her for our daughter and i'm more like the helper. I don't feel im allowed a say.


Yep, I had all that too. A minute late back? Penalty. A minute late picking up? They're not going.

Once I was so scared of dropping my daughter back late I forgot to change her back into the clothes she'd been wearing when I picked her up. We'd been face-painting and I bought a cheap top and tracksuit bottoms for her to wear for fear of messing up her original outfit. She hit the roof when I took her back. Doorstep row. Again in front of my daughter. Truly unbelievable.


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## HSilx (Jul 27, 2016)

Good luck to you bud, honestly all the best. My old man wasn't ever interested in seeing me nor my siblings after him and my mum divorced and it still kills me to this day... Fathers day is awful. You guys give a damn about your kids and I really wish the courts would see that.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Does anyone have any information that may help me. I'll describe the situation below...

My ex wife has claimed she received a call from someone who sounded like my brother intimidating her.

She has provided a phone number.

Basically what happened was...at the first hand over her sister wouldn't leave and i had to call the police to have her removed.

she has now countered saying her sister didn't leave because of this false and fake phone call claim.

I know what network it belongs to but would be great if somehow i could prove her lies.

Any help/advice appreciated.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

Leave it to the police and if she can't prove who or it was or the police don't (even if they care) don't worry.

Remember record it all. Even you seeing the bubba record it. You never know what crap they might make up.

bump here / bruise here.

record and backup to something like googledrive.


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

yup planning to do so. It's been a total nightmare so far.


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

Hows it going mate?


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Hey mate,

Not good. More allegations being flung but, last week she got a caution from the police for malicious communication so hopefully she will reign her antics in.

Court on the 31/08. Just about staying afloat financially. The money is there but just not in the timescales dictated by the solicitors.

Everything hangs on being able to play video and voice recordings which the other side will try at all costs to stop. They show they extent of the rage.

But the hearing is in front of lay magistrates and going by what happened at the last hearing I have absolutely no faith in the family courts.

All can do is hope for the best but the system is an absolute mockery and very unfair, even more so if you are male.

One positive thing was the second visitation i had with my son was amazing. instantly recognized me and was happy to see me and even called me "dada". so i'm glad he hasn't forgotten me but, having 2 hours one a week leaves me feeling like a baby sitter. Hopefully that will also increase at the next hearing.


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## jamman (May 6, 2002)

Fingers crossed for you mate


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## mhuk01 (Apr 14, 2016)

> One positive thing was the second visitation i had with my son was amazing. instantly recognized me and was happy to see me and even called me "dada". so i'm glad he hasn't forgotten me but, having 2 hours one a week leaves me feeling like a baby sitte


That's great your son know who you are. I understand how you mean being the baby sitter but that's wrong. In time he will be all over you and it will be daddy this and daddy that. Nothing can take that away so hold in buddy!


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## nilanth (Mar 30, 2007)

Thanks for the messages of support! really heart warming to read!

Well the other side are trying every trick in the book to delay proceedings and even want to delay thing by 3 months without even offering increased contact.

I'm just going to keep fighting the good fight.

But looking forward to see the little man tomorrow even if it for 2 hours!


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