# Random comments thread...



## John-H

Just a bit of fun to see what develops. I'll start...

I've got a noise coming from somewhere. I need to know what it is before Tuesday. Has anyone else had a similar issue?


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## SalsredTT

And I'm a total mug and can't lie face to face to anyone, even a neighbour! How come I am babysitting someones kids on a Saturday night (not even my grandkids!)


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## brian1978

I like turtles


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## Shug750S

John-H said:


> Just a bit of fun to see what develops. I'll start...
> 
> I've got a noise coming from somewhere. I need to know what it is before Tuesday. Has anyone else had a similar issue?


When I borrowed your car I may have left the kidnap victim in the boot. Feel free to dump her anywhere.

I won't tell the police that you helped me dispose of her


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## kevbeans

Why am I in a hotel room with someone else's girlfriend???


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## YELLOW_TT

When I stay in a hotel I like to get my money's worth so I leave all the lights on and the taps running all the time i am there


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## fishchicken

I am procrastinating.

Reading strangers comments on a message board about cars is more interesting that writing up some academic papers I have been working on for 3 years. [smiley=bigcry.gif]


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## Lollypop86

I love how socially unacceptable I can be around my best friend

J
Xx


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## John-H

A glass is neither half full or half empty - it just needs topping up. . . . . . . Hic!


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## YoungOldUn

I think they have landed . . . . .


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## brian1978

In scotland, why is the choice drink of the homeless called Tennants.


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## fiftyish

Hoovers Suck!


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## TTSam

Lemons are sour. The dog is snoring

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Skeee




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## Callum-TT

Yesterday I didn't get steak or a BJ


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## brian1978

Callum-TT said:


> Yesterday I didn't get steak or a BJ


I got both, I had to make my own steak.


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## Callum-TT

brian1978 said:


> Callum-TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yesterday I didn't get steak or a BJ
> 
> 
> 
> I got both, I had to make my own steak.
Click to expand...

I was still getting over man flu though so I can't blame her.


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## NickG

brian1978 said:


> Callum-TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yesterday I didn't get steak or a BJ
> 
> 
> 
> I got both, I had to make my own steak.
Click to expand...

Tell me you didn't have to DO both!? :lol:


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## NickG

I wish i had a breeze running down my leg!


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## Callum-TT

NickG said:


> I wish i had a breeze running down my leg!


Is that instead of old stale urine !


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## NickG

:lol: :lol: EGG ROLL!!


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## YELLOW_TT

Fried breakfast


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## Cloud

A friend gave me a goose egg yesterday [smiley=chef.gif]


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## NickG

I'd kill for a cookie!


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## John-H

If an unstoppable object collides with an immovable object what will happen?


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## NickG

John-H said:


> If an unstoppable object collides with an immovable object what will happen?


Michael Jackson will raise from the dead and invent a teleportation device... duh!


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## davelincs

Half of the time we are gone, but we don't know where, and we don't know when


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## YELLOW_TT

If it takes a man a week to walk a fortnight how many apples in a bunch of grapes


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## fiftyish

When you can see the tree you are about to hit, it's called understeer.
When you can only hear and feel it, it's oversteer!


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## Cloud

My dog has wind!


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## John-H

Cloud said:


> My dog has wind!


Is it howling?


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## Cloud

John-H said:


> Cloud said:
> 
> 
> 
> My dog has wind!
> 
> 
> 
> Is it howling?
Click to expand...

More or less!! :lol:


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## Callum-TT

I have a need to urinate but can't be bothered to move off the sofa.


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## Bartsimpsonhead

I love lamp.


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## Callum-TT

Bartsimpsonhead said:


> I love lamp.


I love shoe


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## Skeee

Callum-TT said:


> I love shoe


Don't 'google' that!


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## Callum-TT

Skeee said:


> Callum-TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> I love shoe
> 
> 
> 
> Don't 'google' that!
Click to expand...

Google is for losers

I bing lol


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## brian1978

Callum-TT said:


> Skeee said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Callum-TT said:
> 
> 
> 
> I love shoe
> 
> 
> 
> Don't 'google' that!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Google is for losers
> 
> I bing lol
Click to expand...

The only thing I use "other" search engines for is to search for Google.

Why is it your bed feels like it should belong in a Thai prison cell when you are trying to sleep but it's the total opposite when you have to get up?


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## Otley

I wish Granny & Grandad had kids!


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## NickG

I'd kill for a cookie


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## John-H

Could a heat resistant dinosaur be called a Pyrex?


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## Cloud

I think my office clock is stuck on 20 to 5! :x


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## Skeee




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## Skeee

NSFW:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuCZE7zS ... zyd91NFx-Y


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## Skeee

NSF Star Wars Types!


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## j8keith

Do Brussel Sprouts come from Brussels.


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## Skeee

NSF Jess (_too much to read_!) http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_Episode_Ever


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## Skeee

j8keith said:


> Do Brussel Sprouts come from Brussels.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brussels_sprout

Yes.  _And don't interrupt my Simpsons links!_


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## John-H

They say christmas comes earlier each year but my Mum used to get the sprouts on in October :?


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## j8keith

Skeee said:


> j8keith said:
> 
> 
> 
> Do Brussel Sprouts come from Brussels.
> 
> 
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brussels_sprout
> 
> Yes.  _And don't interrupt my Simpsons links!_
Click to expand...

 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Otley

Today I think I'll experiment with a comb over.


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## Callum-TT

I just shaved my balls


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## Skeee

Callum-TT said:


> I just shaved my balls


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## NickG

SAVE THE WHALES!!!

... all very well and good, but who's gunna SHAVE the whales?! Hairy little buggers!


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## John-H

Ping!


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## Callum-TT

My wife's on the blob


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## John-H

The sun poked impudent marmalade fingers in through the grizzled lattice glass and sent the shadows scurrying, like convent girls menaced by a tramp.

After-life, after-shave: I don't hold with any of it.


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## brittan

Is this a dagger I see before me, the handle toward my hand? Come, let me grasp thee.
I have thee not, yet I see thee still.
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible to feeling as to sight? 
Or art thou but a dagger of the mind, a false creation, proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?
I see thee yet, in form as palpable as this which now I draw.


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## John-H

An elfin tissue curdled Florrie's mind with muted chimera. Through dancing-dark, neon-bright, saraband eels, gauzes of filmy Fellini, glimpses further than the rocket fathoms, rythmic, fading and in unending procession.


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## Otley

Sandals and socks?


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## John-H

Just one bit of comfort 'Fore I lie inside my box: If the Lord wears trousers - The prophets never mention socks!

"Filth hounds of Hades!" Sir Henry Rawlinson surfaced from the blackness, hot and fidgety, fuss, bother and itch, conscious mind coming up too fast for the bends, through pack-ice thrubbing seas, boom-sounders, blow-holes, harsh-croak Blind Pews tip-tap-tocking for escape from his pressing skull.

With a gaseous grunt he rolled away from the needle-cruel light acupuncuring his pickle-onion eyes, and with key-bending will slit-peered at the cold trench Florrie had left on her side of the bed. Tongue like yesterday's fried cod: "Mind over batter? Tongue sandwiches? Bleah! Eat what? But it's been in somebody else's mouth!" Black spot! The Blind Pews were now thrashing with their canes. "God's turban and tutu! Do I need a dare of the hog?"


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## Bucks85th

John-H said:


> The sun poked impudent marmalade fingers in through the grizzled lattice glass and sent the shadows scurrying, like convent girls menaced by a tramp.
> 
> After-life, after-shave: I don't hold with any of it.


English as tuppence, changing yet changless as canal-water, nestling in green nowhere, armoured and effete, bold flag-bearer, lotus fed Miss Havishambling, opsimath and eremite, feudal-still reactionary Rawlinson End. The story so far...

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Skeee

John-H,
please 'lock' this thread or pass the toke around.

_If it's dementia then I sincerely apologise!_


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## Shug750S

Umm, white or brown toast for breakfast tomorrow?
Marmalade or Blackcurrant jam?

Doesn't really matter as I'll be out for a bike ride soon after..


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## Callum-TT

Why does asparagus make your wee smell?


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## fiftyish

To err is human. To arr is Pirate!


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## John-H

Skeee said:


> John-H,
> please 'lock' this thread or pass the toke around.
> 
> _If it's dementia then I sincerely apologise!_


Cheeky Monkey. Did you know there is no proper name for the back of the knee?


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## Bucks85th

John, do you know what a palmist once said to me?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## John-H

Bucks85th said:


> John, do you know what a palmist once said to me?
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


She said, "WILL YOU LET GO!"


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## Bucks85th

John-H said:


> Bucks85th said:
> 
> 
> 
> John, do you know what a palmist once said to me?
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> She said, "WILL YOU LET GO!"
Click to expand...


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## Otley

Be that how it may, there stands the vast arched bone of the whale's jaw, so wide, a coach might almost drive beneath it. Within are shabby shelves, ranged round with old decanters, bottles, flasks; and in those jaws of swift destruction, like another cursed Jonah (by which name indeed they called him), bustles a little withered old man, who, for their money, dearly sells the sailors deliriums and death.


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## igotone

I'll follow him around the Horn, and around the Norway maelstrom, and around perdition's flames before I give him up.


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## Otley

Call me Ishmael will be along in a minute!!!


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## NickG

You can say that again Bob!


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## Bartsimpsonhead

I don't know about you, but at about this time of night I like to put a squirrel over a Petri dish


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## John-H

If I had all the money I'd spent on drink - I'd spend it on drink.


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## NickG

When life throws you lemons... squeeze them and throw the juice into your enemies eyes, temporarily blinding them enabling you to take advantage...


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## Otley

Sometimes I mainly never do that!


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## NickG

60% of the time it works every time!


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## John-H

All crime is due to incorrect breathing. Hissssss....


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## Jenny H

Please share this post


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## Shug750S

"You want to go where? Well personally I wouldn't start from here"


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## Otley

You can't get 'there' from 'here'.


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## Andy75

1 in a million chances occur 9 times out of 10.


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## Callum-TT




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## John-H

Awkward beasts, winkles. My brother Hubert uses them for ear-plugs. Turns my belly of a morning - watching him fiddle about in his lug-oles with a pin! Don't know why he bothers - he never hears anything I say.


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## fiftyish

To be is to do. Nietzcht.

To do is to be. Sartre.

Do be do be do. Sinatra.


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## John-H

So did you fall for one?


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## John-H

What does an undignified silence sound like?


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## DENO 905

Half the lie's I tell aren't true


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## John-H

Always wear gloves whilst welding - saves on ice cubes later [smiley=bigcry.gif]


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## DENO 905

I painted it yellow but it still won't float


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## Shug750S

I had one of them, but it broke


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## fiftyish

Mind my eye!


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## DENO 905

You never know when a fish might save your life


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## Lollypop86

fiftyish said:


> Mind my eye!


Said that last night ha ha :lol: :lol:

J
xx


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## DENO 905

Always put your handbrake on when parking in a tree


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## John-H

Old telephone directories make excellent personal address books - just cross out all the people you don't know.


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## Azreal

Dragons aren't true.


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## Mr Funk

Despite what happened I still love cheese


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## Mr Funk

This morning I drank Berocca from a jam jar and drunkenly made a slow cooked pork sandwich so good it could raise the dead


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## John-H

Did you know that the Elephant Shrew never closes its eyes?


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## sexytt

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.


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## John-H

You should always look both ways before crossing your eyes


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## Otley

To say it needed disinfecting is an understatement.


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## DENO 905

Always put your socks on before your shoes


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## Shug750S

If you're not in bed by midnight come home


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## sexytt

Yesterday seems as though it never existed.......


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## John-H

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.


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## Mr Funk

I've never even liked Masterchef.
Which explains why I'd like to club them both with a wok.
It's all so clear now


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## Mr Funk




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## John-H

Are we talking fluffy toys?


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## Otley

So THAT'S the reason for the unsightly stain on the rocking horse saddle!


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## John-H

This train will stop at San Domingo . . . Old woman.


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## Mr Funk

This evening I returned to the island and went out drinking.
It was a massive balls.
Mucho beer but the island is a great big cack hole.
Staggering pee monkey

SHABBA

as you were


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## Otley

So NOBODY can be bothered going, 'cause it's raining! :x


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## John-H

Edible ...


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## Mr Funk

And although id never admit it.
Pedro and I enjoyed our evening thoroughly,


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## John-H

Frankly, once I've eaten a thing, I don't expect to see it again.


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## Mr Funk

John-H said:


> Frankly, once I've eaten a thing, I don't expect to see it again.


Said my wife


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## John-H

Henry's rhinoceros tyranny had only the most peripheral effect on Hubert's life.


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## mdk3.2

Is red cabbage green groceries??


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## John-H

Is this thing on?


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## Mr Funk

You need to tap it a bit harder.

I miss the Rocco. Not the endless days chasing wiring gremlins, the under powered lump, the hilarious "fuel efficiency" and constant costs.
I miss the feeling of pulling up next to a new car and seeing the look on the face of whoever was next to me as the grumbling engine roared into life and a sound that could only be compared to Brian Blessed getting the bad news in a prison shower scared the bejeesus of whoever was in the vicinity. 
Seven years in the making.
Saying that though, it was never a daily and this evening I'll be driving home much quicker, much smoother in an air conditioned, heated seated cabin.
You win some, you lose some


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## gogs

Better to burn out than to fade away


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## John-H

Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to!


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## gogs

I like it nursie, gives me something to hang on to ..... Wooof


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## John-H

Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!


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## John-H

This is what happens when my word prediction is left to run riot. I just give it a seed word....

*Elephants* and the last time not this morning thanks for the TT Forum and if you fancy coming to the front page then clicking on a browser webpage, so I was going to wait there are many cheap Chinese copies available wholesale.

Ruddy heck!


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## POOKIETT

cold beans aint hot


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## cherie

I kill threads. :lol:


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## WALTTON

The hardness of the butter is proportionate to the softness of the bread.


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## misano03

bollocks, its all in the technique...


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## gogs

Some might say...........


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## John-H

CORNFLAKES CORNFLAKES CORNFLAKES!


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## Otley

You look nice this evening.....
What's going on?


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## John-H

Kate, he looks like what he is - a dung ball in a dress.


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## Otley

....... And now it's blistered, just below the ring!


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## John-H

Circus ring? Big tent? What does he want with a plasterer?


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## Otley

Ring finger, finger puppet, puppet master, master baiter, baiter late than never, never ending story, story word three official, official licenced product, product placement, placement issues, issues involving, involving everyone, everyone ready? ready and able, able seaman, seaman staines, staines massive, massive mistake, mistake n identity, identity theft, theft from, from Russia with love, love thy neighbour, neighbour hood watch, watch strap, strap on, on boost, boost bar, bar of gold, gold ring, ring finger!! :roll: [smiley=bomb.gif]


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## John-H

Through the intestinal smoke of Seth's pipe, Smeeton's sweat-spangled face, eyes straining with mad intensity behind glasses the shape of Ford Cortinas, shuddered with the ungovernable maelstrom of information, inessential, infantry and endless, that constituted the grotesque furniture of his mind.

Filing cabinets unlocked; thesauri fell agape; data danced in strict formation, quick, quick, quick-quick quick&#8230; puzzles fitted - it all added up: niggling, self-edited, tumbling with clicking impatience, cross-reference and erupting gathered berserk-fierce, heedless and torrential, howling for outlet from his springboard lips.


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## mdk3.2

What would you rather be..........or a wasp?


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## brian1978

It should be enshrined in international law that people need to pass a basic intelligence test before being allowed on the Internet.


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## Mr Funk

Or reproducing


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## ades tt 180

Q. What is the difference between a duck? 
A. One of its legs is both the same!...


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## John-H

ades tt 180 said:


> Q. What is the difference between a duck?
> A. One of its legs is both the same!...


Someone at my school made that up I think. Well it was from the 70's anyway :wink:


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